Undiagnosed Constant anxiety, social anxiety, & feeling inferior.

I've debated weighing in on this question. I grew up in an extremely abusive, dysfunctional family. The best gift I was ever blessed with was repression. For most of my life the turmoil of my childhood was blanked out. I knew my family was horrible and I was treated terribly, but the specifics were never something I thought about much. The details just weren't there. When I arrived on my college campus my new friends remember meeting "a broken, shattered girl." I immediately developed an eating disorder - my first attempt at taking some control over my life. For the next several decades two words ruled my life: perfection and control. Eventually the charade of the perfect wife, mother, employee, friend, Christian and daughter-in-law ( I could never come close to being a good enough daughter) led to a humiliating breakdown. My recovery was equally humiliating and painful. After a long list of emotional and physical diagnoses, medical and psychiatric traumas, the loss of my church, my friends, and my job, as well as enduring unbelievable stigma (good mothers, intelligent women, educated professionals, and faithful Christians do not have mental issues), I made a bargain with God on the day I was going to end my life. I can not emphasize enough that I do NOT recommend this. We each upheld our end of that bargain. I did a visual exercise that, surprisingly, helped me tremendously. The next few years were difficult. They involved self care, eliminating toxic people from life, focusing on my faith, and realizing I could never be perfect...no human is perfect. I read, wrote poetry, loved my family, enjoyed my gardens, cried a lot, prayed a lot, and healed a lot. The apostle Paul says in the book of Philippians that he has learned to be content in whatever circumstances he is in (Phil. 4:11). I still have my struggles, but I can finally say I've learned to be content.
 
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