Coparenting with spouse

[Gamera3000]

I have an anger problem, but I learned long ago to keep it to myself. As a consequence of this, I will stay quiet if I’m starting to get mad, or if I don’t know what to do or say. Sometimes that’s a problem because I don’t know when or how to speak up anymore.

My son is four and also has trouble controlling his emotions. It’s not his inclination to listen to authority, and he will hit, kick, and say terrible things when he’s angry. He’s very smart. He IS getting better and we just started to see a child therapist for him. It’s going really well already.

Problem #1: My son is naturally large and strong, but has gotten to an “obese” level in the past six months. My husband is also obese (they are not related). I am a normal weight. I’m having a lot of trouble getting my husband on board with eating better, because my husband will not stop eating trash food in front of our son.

Problem #2: My husband is autistic, and is also one of those “elite smart” people. He’s literally a genius- always thinks he’s right. Since he’s autistic, he frequently has the opposite opinion and feelings as other people. I think he is overreacting to many of the misbehaviors our son does. Lots of yelling and saying our son is “stupid”, “willfully ignorant”, asking “what’s wrong with him?” Etc right in front of our son. My husband doesn’t handle stress too well, and like I said, is not in good physical shape. He says he has physical pain when he yells, but he keeps doing it anyway. It is hard for me because I don’t want to undermine him by not siding with him, but he’ll go way too far and I just can’t let him continue.

Any ideas?

 

[Innordinate]

does. Lots of yelling and saying our son is “stupid”, “willfully ignorant”, asking “what’s wrong with him?” Etc right in front of our son.

This is abuse btw and will do all kinds of crazy f*cked up damage to yer kid.

4yr olds dont regulate their emotions- the parents have to teach this through action and if your husband can't regulate his emotions then your son won't learn either.

Any ideas? Leave.

Short of that your husband needs an anger management course and to work on his autism- at the very least.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but you are 100% responsible for your sons emotional well being

 

[Gamera3000]

Thank you, @Innordinate, but we have a happy home. I guess my post wasn’t too clear.

My father in law grew up with 12 siblings in what used to be a slave shanty (seriously). He has a loud voice and deals with things with humor, but is sometimes off color. I think that came from growing up so crowded and poor. He’s also one of the best parents I’ve ever seen.

My husband clearly gets his parenting style from his dad. I feel like this plain talking and loudness works well in my husbands family, where the kids are autistic and the parents are not. But in OUR family, you have to imagine that my husbands face doesn’t show a lot of emotion and my husband is often stressed out. I think our son is tuning out yelling and insults. He’ll ignore my husband during emergencies (get out of the road there’s a car coming, don’t touch that hot thing, etc). And he’s starting to talk a little rough, which I really don’t like.

I do agree the “stupid” stuff is going too far. My husband just doesn’t agree with me that that is a harsh thing to say.