Coping with Disconnected Memories and Sudden Realizations

[KayW]

It means, to me, that I'm getting stronger, that my mind now recognizes that I can handle more than I used to. So, some little part of my mind - like an alter, a Gatekeeper - lets me hold the memories for awhile and then, before it all becomes way too much, takes them away.

This seems to explain it well. I wrote this over 6 months ago and I do feel stronger now than I did then and I tend to feel more connected to some traumatic events, not all, but I guess that will come when the time is right.

That’s exactly how Avoidance works.

Dissociation is a form of avoidance.

But I would differentiate the experience I wrote this thread about from my experience of avoidance. When I am avoiding thinking about trauma, there is a little niggle in the back of my mind, the thought/feeling is still there, I'm just not looking at it.

With this experience, I would disconnect. Prior to therapy, that was amnesia for some if my trauma. After therapy, I could recall speaking about it in therapy but they didn't feel like they belonged to me or that they were real.

 

[Friday]

Dissociation is a form of avoidance.

It can be. Or it can be it’s own symptom, like with flashbacks. Or a coping mechanism. Or totally normal. Or, or, or.

But I would differentiate the experience I wrote this thread about from my experience of avoidance. When I am avoiding thinking about trauma, there is a little niggle in the back of my mind, the thought/feeling is still there, I'm just not looking at it.

Psych language is vexing as hell, amirite? So many duplicate/triplicate/myriad/disorder-specific/general uses of the same durn word, and that’s not even touching all the colloquial uses of the same durn word.

Like there are Triggers & Stressors (Avoidance Symptom, Criterion C) AS WELL AS triggered (verb / coping mechanism) which can be an anxiety attach being triggered, flashback being triggered, intrusive thoughts being triggered… all 3 of which are under different symptom criterion. Ditto PTSD stressors -vs- Life stressors.

Avoidance, in PTSD, is both a symptom (CritC) AND a coping mechanism/ verb/ stress management tool.

What I was talking about was Avoidance (Symptom).

Knowing you knee jerk towards dissociation when your avoidance (symptom) is flairing? Can be a reeeeeeeeally useful tool. As straight up dissociation (symptom) one wants to Ground/Center fast & hard, both to get back to reality ASAP, as well as to create a well worn path of deescalating. But when it’s Avoidance using disassociation as a tool to protect yourself? Grounding will escalate, rather than deescalate, because kaBOOM, that protection is gone, and the vacuum fills with other oh-so-fun things (including even harder/deeper disassociation, but more commonly anxiety attacks, panic attacks, shame spirals, SI, anything/everything your brain can throw at you to avoid dealing with the trauma itself.

It’s one of those tricks to keep in your back pocket, that if you’re dissociating and getting more present makes things worse, instead of better? You’re most likely tackling Avoidance as the driving force. (Although also possibly another symptom set using disassociation as a coping mechanism).

 

[Quassus]

I have a few similar posts and it seems to be a common response to trauma. To go in and out of acceptance or to connect and disconnect. I am getting more and more floods of memories that have me questioning everything I ever knew. Did I put myself into a disassociatian bubble all this time?? Like what the what?? Ha...it's crazy how the mind works to help us survive.

 

[Freddyt]

Did I put myself into a disassociatian bubble all this time??

More likely it's "PTSD Amnesia" where your brain tries to fix things by "forgetting" them.

That's part of the big mind messing part of PTSD, where it's screaming to be found, and hiding the memories of what caused it, all at the same time.