Hello all, I'm new here. I've sort of self diagnosed as someone who identifies with symptoms of Complex PTSD. I'm hoping for some honest feedback. I've been attending a therapist for three years because of a lot of feelings of loss and anxiety arising. I come from an addictive family background, some narcissism, cruelty, shaming etc. but for some reason I haven't turned to drink or drugs. I do work in a demanding job that's changed recently. I don't have family support. My issue or question is this:
Two months ago I attended the therapist in a good mood because, as I told him, I'd begun reading a book on CPTSD that really resonated. I asked if he might read some of it so I could discuss things that rang true for me (he'd never mentioned the condition in our therapy that I found was meandering a bit). He seemed to stiffen and said he already knew about PTSD and didn't have time to read the book. I felt hurt and during the session I told him so. I told him it was hard for me to ask but I felt my request was being dismissed (I also said I was willing to accept I might be in a flashback). My gut feeling, which I also told him, was that he was annoyed I'd mentioned the book and was feeling defensive about it. This therapist can talk about his hurt a lot in our sessions. If I say I feel upset, he says he does. Anyway, I told him I wanted to take a break for awhile to think about the session which for me, felt like I wasn't being listened to or seen because of his needs.
Today, after 6 weeks I went back. I decided I wouldn't plan what I wanted to say but I'd just go with what was in my heart. So as I sat down I said I didn't want to leave things the way we had done in the last session so I was here because I wanted to talk about what had happened that day and understand what and why it had turned out that way. I said I still felt hurt and at times angry that he'd seemed to dismiss my interest in CPTSD and the book, that he hadn't used my reference to the book as a gambit to chat about CPTSD...but instead seemed to take my request as pressure on him (he had told me he had other things he had to prioritize). I hope, I think I said what I said in an open manner.
After that, today's session descended into him getting quite upset, saying that I was attacking him. He used a slightly sarcastic tone and mannerisms (like waving his hands and mocking finger pointing). I kept trying to bring the discussion back to the issues raised in the last meeting that still needed to be aired and asked him why he kept distracting from that. I said at least 6 times over the hour: can we get back to discussing what happened so we can understand it? After three attempts to bring it back he said I thought he wasn't 'good enough'. I said: 'I never said that and I don't think it. I feel all confused. I thought these sessions were meant to so I could bring up my feelings but it feels like you don't want to hear them. I feel hurt by that and it feels cruel'.
He then said: 'you are calling me a sadist'. I said, 'of course I'm not. I didn't say you aren't good enough or a sadist. I'm not talking about you. I'm trying to tell you how I feel...but this is all beginning to feel unsafe and uncomfortable.' He went on about 'how do you think I feel' etc. and kept asking 'are we okay, are you okay?' but I didn't know what he was on about. Then he said this was all good to come up in the session as I was projecting my mother on to him. I said: 'I'm willing to accept that could happen but I really don't think I'm doing that here. The things we are talking about are what's happening in this session.' He said he'd like me to come back for another session because this was the work we needed to do. But I really felt I had landed in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest today. I felt again that his issues took upper hand. It's never been this bad although I do sometimes feel when he expresses concern he doesn't really feel it the way ordinary people do. It's like he's scripted. And today, several times (which he does regularly) he said: 'I know you're feeling X now' when, I had to tell him: 'No, I'm feeling Y'.
So I'm unsure whether I am projecting, whether he was just having a bad day or whether for some reason my mentioning the book (and later saying it might be good for us to look at CPTSD in my case) triggered something in him. Or if my not going back for 6 weeks triggered something. OR worse case, I'm being gaslighted. I don't want to blame him and if I'm not seeing something I want feedback telling me so so I can really work on myself honestly. But tonight I don't feel safe working with him into the future. I don't feel that he's been honest with me. I doubt myself at the best of times and don't want to spiral further into this relationship (albeit a potentially therapeutic one) where I'm blamed for things I really haven't done AND where I'm not given room to figure out how to regulate my own emotions (and they aren't allowed to be heard).
I know that's all very long winded, but as you all have far more experience in this area, I'd really appreciate your thoughts. All the best and thanks so much for taking the time...Joie...
Two months ago I attended the therapist in a good mood because, as I told him, I'd begun reading a book on CPTSD that really resonated. I asked if he might read some of it so I could discuss things that rang true for me (he'd never mentioned the condition in our therapy that I found was meandering a bit). He seemed to stiffen and said he already knew about PTSD and didn't have time to read the book. I felt hurt and during the session I told him so. I told him it was hard for me to ask but I felt my request was being dismissed (I also said I was willing to accept I might be in a flashback). My gut feeling, which I also told him, was that he was annoyed I'd mentioned the book and was feeling defensive about it. This therapist can talk about his hurt a lot in our sessions. If I say I feel upset, he says he does. Anyway, I told him I wanted to take a break for awhile to think about the session which for me, felt like I wasn't being listened to or seen because of his needs.
Today, after 6 weeks I went back. I decided I wouldn't plan what I wanted to say but I'd just go with what was in my heart. So as I sat down I said I didn't want to leave things the way we had done in the last session so I was here because I wanted to talk about what had happened that day and understand what and why it had turned out that way. I said I still felt hurt and at times angry that he'd seemed to dismiss my interest in CPTSD and the book, that he hadn't used my reference to the book as a gambit to chat about CPTSD...but instead seemed to take my request as pressure on him (he had told me he had other things he had to prioritize). I hope, I think I said what I said in an open manner.
After that, today's session descended into him getting quite upset, saying that I was attacking him. He used a slightly sarcastic tone and mannerisms (like waving his hands and mocking finger pointing). I kept trying to bring the discussion back to the issues raised in the last meeting that still needed to be aired and asked him why he kept distracting from that. I said at least 6 times over the hour: can we get back to discussing what happened so we can understand it? After three attempts to bring it back he said I thought he wasn't 'good enough'. I said: 'I never said that and I don't think it. I feel all confused. I thought these sessions were meant to so I could bring up my feelings but it feels like you don't want to hear them. I feel hurt by that and it feels cruel'.
He then said: 'you are calling me a sadist'. I said, 'of course I'm not. I didn't say you aren't good enough or a sadist. I'm not talking about you. I'm trying to tell you how I feel...but this is all beginning to feel unsafe and uncomfortable.' He went on about 'how do you think I feel' etc. and kept asking 'are we okay, are you okay?' but I didn't know what he was on about. Then he said this was all good to come up in the session as I was projecting my mother on to him. I said: 'I'm willing to accept that could happen but I really don't think I'm doing that here. The things we are talking about are what's happening in this session.' He said he'd like me to come back for another session because this was the work we needed to do. But I really felt I had landed in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest today. I felt again that his issues took upper hand. It's never been this bad although I do sometimes feel when he expresses concern he doesn't really feel it the way ordinary people do. It's like he's scripted. And today, several times (which he does regularly) he said: 'I know you're feeling X now' when, I had to tell him: 'No, I'm feeling Y'.
So I'm unsure whether I am projecting, whether he was just having a bad day or whether for some reason my mentioning the book (and later saying it might be good for us to look at CPTSD in my case) triggered something in him. Or if my not going back for 6 weeks triggered something. OR worse case, I'm being gaslighted. I don't want to blame him and if I'm not seeing something I want feedback telling me so so I can really work on myself honestly. But tonight I don't feel safe working with him into the future. I don't feel that he's been honest with me. I doubt myself at the best of times and don't want to spiral further into this relationship (albeit a potentially therapeutic one) where I'm blamed for things I really haven't done AND where I'm not given room to figure out how to regulate my own emotions (and they aren't allowed to be heard).
I know that's all very long winded, but as you all have far more experience in this area, I'd really appreciate your thoughts. All the best and thanks so much for taking the time...Joie...
