greyvelvet
New Here
I was just diagnosed with PTSD about 6 months ago. My little sister committed suicide last December, and after that I decided I should get some help. My therapist has been very helpful, and I just completed a CPT program at my local hospital.
A brief summary of me, going backwards:
I just turned 40, male, and haven't been functional in a while. My sister committed suicide last year following a long struggle with hard drugs. A few years before that, my mother died of cancer. I took care of her for the last couple months of her life. She collapsed in my arms and died. I didn't think it bothered me, but a few months later I was having problems so I was put on Paxil.
At 26 I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, and it got very severe for a long time. My insurance dropped me almost immediately, and I didn't have a DR for a while. I eventually was treated at a local free hospital, but I was usually dealing with med students that all had a different opinion, so my treatment fluctuated between Crohn's and UC for several years. I took a heavy dose of steroids, the immunosupressant Remicade, and I was hospitalized a lot. I starved myself down to about 100 pounds at the worst of it. The illness was severe for about 7 years, until I had to have my colon removed. It was a year long process that consisted of a hospitilization of about 2 weeks each time (TPN and lipids to get my weight up, colon removal, "j pouch" procedure, and then reconnecting everything). During this time I had an ileostomy (similair to a colostomy) and it was very traumatizing. I basically was a shut in during those 7 years, only really leaving the house to go to the Dr. I was diagnosed with panic disorder with agoraphobia.
While trying to piece together the cause of my illness, I started having to deal with the fact that I was significantly abused physically and emotionally by my father, and very enmeshed with my mother. I grew up in a part of the south where it seemed like everyone beat their kids (especially sons). I had a lot of friends that had it worse than me, so I didn't give it the weight it deserved. My father has always hated me and treated me accordingly. My mother was always my "best friend" but I am now learning how inappropriate this can be. I have no memories of any sexual abuse, but there are a lot of red flags from my youth to now (fear of bathrooms, fear/shame of nudity, body shame, aversion to touch, dissocation/panic attacks during sex, long periods of "sexual anorexia").
Getting a diagnosis has been very validating and i've made great progress in the last 6 months, but it is still very confusing and overwhelming. I'm trying to move on and better myself, but I'm losing friends left and right as I establish firmer boundaries. I've been in school off and on, but have had to drop out of two separate programs that I worked very hard to get into. I have hope for the first time in a long time, but sometimes I think that I will never be functional and live a fulfilling life. I hope to find other people here that I can relate to and learn from.
I am grateful for this forum and am looking forward to meeting all of you.
A brief summary of me, going backwards:
I just turned 40, male, and haven't been functional in a while. My sister committed suicide last year following a long struggle with hard drugs. A few years before that, my mother died of cancer. I took care of her for the last couple months of her life. She collapsed in my arms and died. I didn't think it bothered me, but a few months later I was having problems so I was put on Paxil.
At 26 I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, and it got very severe for a long time. My insurance dropped me almost immediately, and I didn't have a DR for a while. I eventually was treated at a local free hospital, but I was usually dealing with med students that all had a different opinion, so my treatment fluctuated between Crohn's and UC for several years. I took a heavy dose of steroids, the immunosupressant Remicade, and I was hospitalized a lot. I starved myself down to about 100 pounds at the worst of it. The illness was severe for about 7 years, until I had to have my colon removed. It was a year long process that consisted of a hospitilization of about 2 weeks each time (TPN and lipids to get my weight up, colon removal, "j pouch" procedure, and then reconnecting everything). During this time I had an ileostomy (similair to a colostomy) and it was very traumatizing. I basically was a shut in during those 7 years, only really leaving the house to go to the Dr. I was diagnosed with panic disorder with agoraphobia.
While trying to piece together the cause of my illness, I started having to deal with the fact that I was significantly abused physically and emotionally by my father, and very enmeshed with my mother. I grew up in a part of the south where it seemed like everyone beat their kids (especially sons). I had a lot of friends that had it worse than me, so I didn't give it the weight it deserved. My father has always hated me and treated me accordingly. My mother was always my "best friend" but I am now learning how inappropriate this can be. I have no memories of any sexual abuse, but there are a lot of red flags from my youth to now (fear of bathrooms, fear/shame of nudity, body shame, aversion to touch, dissocation/panic attacks during sex, long periods of "sexual anorexia").
Getting a diagnosis has been very validating and i've made great progress in the last 6 months, but it is still very confusing and overwhelming. I'm trying to move on and better myself, but I'm losing friends left and right as I establish firmer boundaries. I've been in school off and on, but have had to drop out of two separate programs that I worked very hard to get into. I have hope for the first time in a long time, but sometimes I think that I will never be functional and live a fulfilling life. I hope to find other people here that I can relate to and learn from.
I am grateful for this forum and am looking forward to meeting all of you.
