Sufferer Cptsd And Struggling

[Disenthrall]

Im new here and my story in brief is when I was very young (not sure of age) before 9 maybe I went through some traumatic stuff that I didn't really know of till later in life and I still can't fully remember. It affected me even without me remembing and I was raised in a very abusive household. My first boyfriend at 15ish caused trauma two "friends" I was seeing casually caused trauma at the end of last year. And my last ex who I was with till a few months ago knew of all of this and yet he caused more trauma.

Anyways I'm out of the household but now I feel even more confused and hurt. I was diagnosed Bipolar but I believe it's not right and if anything at all it's borderline personality disorder. I feel like everyday is a uphill battle with the constant thoughts I don't want. The fatigue that makes me feel like a lazy burden to the family I live with now. Since I moved kinda far from my friends and I don't have a car (this involves my parents not giving me mine) I don't get to go out do stuff and distract myself. Anyways I'm just looking for a place to remind me I'm not alone. I know what I went/go through wasn't even as close to as bad as others /: Im just struggling to get better.

 

[Ka-9]

Warm welcome to the forums

 

[Ane Jackson]

You are not alone in our thoughts, and this is a place where you can be heard, and also hear others that you may receive a great deal of encouragement from. Hold on tight! Hold on, please!

 

[ladee]

Welcome! Hope You find the Forum a safe and encouraging place to be.
You are not alone..
Gentle hugs if you accept. If not that's perfectly ok. Put them on a shelf and take one down when you want or need it.
Glad you are here.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Welcome, Disenthrall!
You are NOT alone! You have found an AWESOME place where you are accepted just the way you are, and there is no comparing of trauma. Just being raised in abusive home is a lot of trauma. How can we be ready for the "real" world if we are not nurtured, and rather, NOT even treated with love and dignity? You don't remember all that happened to you, which is good and bad. Our brains help us "deal" with trauma by blocking it out, but the sense of SOMETHING happening and not being able to pinpoint it, is unsettling, to say the least!

I am sorry you were raised in such a home, AND traumatized by people who were supposed to care. I have known other people who have had their cars held "hostage" when a person leaves the home. It makes NO sense to me at all!

I understand the inability to make yourself get up and go. I have piles of stuff in my living area that have sat untouched for months and months. Why? I don't know where to start...I do "ride" myself about it, but not enough to dig in. Yep, it makes me angry, but I'm learning that it's ME making me feel bad, and no one else. I tell myself to "knock it off" on the inner complaining. It works, sometimes.

I hope that you will come around and learn more about your symptoms, and find some things in common with some of us. You don't say how old you are, but can I tell you that the older you get, and the farther you get away from the people who cause you trouble, the clearer you can be about who you are...at least that's what I experienced.

Just a suggestion...about dating and being alone. I always thought that I had to have a man to feel whole. Hence, I got married 4 times, and the marriages didn't last. I didn't know who I really was, so just conformed to whatever the man I was with, liked and disliked. That didn't work, because after we were together for awhile, they began to take me for granted, and I hate that more than anything. It's possible to feel lonely in a relationship, and I found that I would rather be alone and miserable, than with someone and be miserable. At least I could be alone when I wanted, and had a choice of whether I wanted to be touched or not. I don't like being touched unless I am the one choosing. That goes for hugs with anyone...male or female...relative or not.

Welcome again, and blessings to you while you get stronger. Reaching out for help in the MOST important thing to do when it comes to learning to be healthy. I have learned to manage my conditions, and accept that I probably will always need medications to keep myself from sinking into depression and being paralyzed when it comes to getting out and about. Isolation is worst thing for us.

Take good care of you! You deserve better than you have been given. We ALL do!
AKJ

 

[Disenthrall]

Thank you so much for the kind words and sharing your experience. I really appreciate it. I'm just pushing myself to keep going forward and trying not to to fast or hard and hoping for the best.