Crisis chats

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm having really rough time right now, but the first time I may be able to get professional help or talk to someone is weeks from now.

I found few crisis chats online. But today, being one of the days that I can use it the most, I can't make myself press the "chat now" button. My hands are shaky and I am so deep into bad thoughts that it feels like either there's no point in trying to talk, or I won't be able to gather a single thought that makes sense...

 

[AnD]

You are doing it. You are reaching out right now. This is a win. You are doing it.

 

[Chiqui]

@SeekingAfrica , yes, you are doing It, as @AnD said.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

You are doing it. You are reaching out right now. This is a win. You are doing it.

Thanks. The worst of it passed, I think. But it's been hard lately, often. I guess that's all I can do right? Keep trying and getting through those moments one by one until it gets better?

 

[AnD]

You have this community hear to support you. And my opinion is that memories need to be processed in a safe environment.
Be safe

 

[joeylittle]

@SeekingAfrica - can you say more about what you are afraid will happen, if you tried the crisis chat?

I know you said you’re worried you wouldn’t be able to communicate. Is there more to that?

 

[Chiqui]

And my opinion is that memories need to be processed in a safe environment. @AnD
I needed to heard this...thank you.
@SeekingAfrica , glad to know the worst is over :hug:

 

[SeekingAfrica]

You have this community hear to support you. And my opinion is that memories need to be processed in a safe...

Thank you. To be honest I'm in very negative environment for the last month and will be for 2 more months(and it's family which makes it harder). And being in such environment definitely does not help, so I guess having someone to turn to, or more than one person, is key.

@SeekingAfrica - can you say more about what you are afraid will happen, if you t...

I'm around my parents a lot these days, and it's really affecting me. My mom is all negative right now, especially about my choices. And yes, I'm 28, and I should be more resilient to her opinions, but I had a really hard year. And it got me to being suicidal this summer, I was practically calling any close friends, even abroad and crying every day and really losing the point to anything and the sense that it will get better.

I slowly build myself up, but I guess everything is still fragile. And when I had to stay with my parents in December, it all just shattered. I resisted my moms negative opinions for a while and fought with her, but it got to me. Now I am depressed and working from bed, and it's becoming increasingly hard to get up. And my mom finally grasped that I'm depressed, but she still thinks that however I feel I'll be "cured" if I get out of bed and move and do things. It's hard for me to understand how much effort everything takes and that I am actually really trying. That working at a desk at home all day, and parcially in bed some days is still a lot of effort right now, when I can barely remember that I need to get up....

Sorry, that's a long explanation. I guess she's getting to me, with her thinking that I'm lazy, or depressed is just somewhat sad....and it makes me feel mute. And it also makes it seem that when days don't have a point and I barely get out of bed, I'm still not "bad enough" to talk to someone. For days I've been having that stuck suffocated feeling that I had right before getting suicidal last time. I see the pattern now, and I thought I should talk to someone before it gets worse. But being surrounded by people that don't believe in depression makes me think that unless I'm sitting at the bathroom floor with a bottle of pills, then may be it's not bad enough and I don't have the right to seek help.

 

[AnD]

I am sorry that your mother can not lovingly support you. That is on her, not you.

You are doing your very best. If possible, feel pride for what you are able to do.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I am sorry that your mother can not lovingly support you. That is on her, not you.

You are doing your very...

Thanks, I really need support...and from people who really get it. I think she is supporting me in her way, she wants me healthy and up; she just doesn't see that she makes it worse. It is what is is. But it makes it hard to remember that it would-might-may be-it's okay to try something like the crisis chat, that it might be good for me to do that.

I am proud. Sometimes. Today I'm proud that although I worked mostly from bed, I got up and worked out, for 45min, for a first time in 2 weeks.

 

[joeylittle]

But being surrounded by people that don't believe in depression makes me think that unless I'm sitting at the bathroom floor with a bottle of pills, then may be it's not bad enough and I don't have the right to seek help.

I often believe things aren't bad enough unless I'm right on that threshold, too. I think it's one of the by-products of getting to know your own crisis states better...it (perversely) can make it harder to ask for help, because you know on some level that you're not absolutely on the brink of disaster.

A lot of the time, crisis lines aren't actually for crisis. They are for that horrible thing you're going through, where you don't have anyone you can really just unburden yourself to, in real time, in a dialogue. Needing someone to listen (even if it's chat, so read=listen) is so human, and it's really OK to just get help for that. I hope it helped a little to write that stuff out about your mom, here. And I'm sorry you're in such a rough place right now. You do have the right to seek help, and it doesn't have to be a full-lights-blaring emergency.