Crossing Therapy Boundaries?

[katiekat]

Thanks everyone. I also just talked to my cousin who has had many years of therapy experience. The way he put it is similar to how @Suzetig said above, that having these boundaries help to create safety, and keep the sessions contained in the office, so that outside of the office, my life is totally separate. It still feels counter-intuitive because there isn't a day that I DON'T think about something therapy related because its a huge exploration of who I am, my problems, my accomplishments, and how all that relates to each other and what I want to address in therapy. I don't expect her to be my friend in any way, however, it is very hard for me to trust her and tell her things if I feel like there is this unnatural invisible boundary that is in place to keep both of us "safe" (or, rather, at a distance is how it really feels). I have a habit of putting up nearly impenetrable walls and it doesn't do me any favors, yet this is a situation where I feel like I want to take down my walls, yet I also have to keep them up, and so does she, so its confusing and hard to get over. Does that make any sense?

 

[Jane.l]

Yes it makes perfect sense - I know just what you are saying and I have only recently got my head round this. Although it feels like boundaries are there to keep you at a distance - and in some way that is true, because if a T becomes too close they lose perspective and cannot be affective - they are mostly there to make you feel secure, it's a kind act to be very boundaried - without a frame and knowing where the lines are unconciously it can mess with your head. It doesn't mean your T doesn't care - infact often it means they do - because they want the most effective safest means to help you.

 

[Suzetig]

It still feels counter-intuitive because there isn't a day that I DON'T think about something therapy related because its a huge exploration of who I am, my problems, my accomplishments, and how all that relates to each other and what I want to address in therapy.

That makes sense, therapy is a key process in your healing and self development, it's natural you'd think about it a lot out of session - processing what's happened in session, thinking abut what you might want to take to your next session or piecing things together all mean you're doing what you should. Most of the therapeutic work actually happens outside of the session where you make sense of yourself. The boundaries are in place to help you process things on your own, to find your own best way of working through issues and coping with the feelings that come up for you. Your therapist is effectively working him/herself out of a job.

I think a lot about therapy, I journal, talk to friends and think things through myself - if the only place I did "therapy" was in session, I'd become overly dependent and never get better. The boundaries do feel strange, but it's important that you learn to trust the process, including the boundaries and nature of the therapeutic relationship - it does work!

 

[katiekat]

@Jane.l Do you have any insight as to how to get over that since you said you recently have come to terms with it?

 

[Jane.l]

I can try but all I can give you is my experience - I went through a bit of a nightmare a year ago and looking back my T perhaps over compensated - I became extremely over reliant on him for my well being and he tried to be 'there' for me but at the end of the day with the very best will in the world he can't always be there - and the first time he wasn't was catastrophic because I had no idea how to cope. So he got it together and started to build his boundaries and put a safe frame in place and I took it as him trying to push me away and resentment for my neediness - now my guard is up and never coming down !

Then I started a course for counsellors - which starts off explaining boundaries and the frame and why it's there and suddenly I had a lightbulb moment and saw that actually it wasn't that easy for him to keep the boundaries in place but I needed them - I crave consistency - I need him to be solid - I need to know however much I fall apart, however hard I push - everything about the way he interacts with me remains the same - that makes it safe.

I do really understand where you are coming from - as a bit of a rebel I have never been keen on rules and regs but there is something very comforting in knowing they are concrete. It is coming from a place of care even though it doesn't always feel that way .

 

[ghotiff]

I think for me the solution when I get to these "weird" points is to go slower. For me it happens most when I push myself further than the relationship is ready for. It's hard to go slow, I just want to be healed and done...but I need to go slow.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Lots of interesting posts. Your situation reminds me of how I handled a difficult situation I had with a client. He was exhibiting inappropriate sexual advances. I was so freaked out and intimidated by him it was parylizing. When I sought guidance from my therapist he said taking action would empower me. It took a couple of weeks and I also shared the experience here on the forum. I was really uncomfortable and wished it never happened. Finally I did confront him and I terminated him as a client. It was life changing. It took a long time to muster up the courage, but the outcome was freedom.

I'm not suggesting that you terminate with your therapist. I just want to put out to you how great it feels to be empowered. Overcoming the icky feelings, and discussing them with your therapist may be an experience of empowerment. Those of us that struggle with self esteem have trouble expressing our needs which means they don't get met.

 

[littlelotte]

I have not read all the posts on here so sorry if this has already been mentioned.

I don't think her mentioning of crossing boundaries was supposed to imply that you had done anything wrong. Given her question about him touching you, she is thinking he crossed the line. She is thinking he is the problem and that the emailing etc was a way to encourage a more then healthy connection. That would also explain the comment about gifts. He accepted them without saying anything and may have been reading more into it than he should have. Just my two cents from having been in a similar situation.

Ask her about it before reading too much more into it. Her comments make it sound like she is concerned about him, not you, having done something wrong.

 

[katiekat]

@littlelotte I believe she was more concerned about his actions than mine and wanted to set boundaries for me now before I potentially become hurt. I don't believe in my heart that I didn't do anything wrong, I have always given these types of gifts, even to my boss who I have a terrible relationship with/can't stand generally. It was a gift of appreciation, much like a student would give a teacher an apple-that is how I see it. BUT, her bringing it up and the way she was talking about my past therapist gave me an icky feeling that I can't shake. I have trust issues, and I am worried this may have set me back significantly-even though she is most likely trying to protect me and be as ethical as possible. The therapeutic relationship is weird enough, and I feel like she just made it more awkward.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Chances are that YOU, the client, have wonky boundaries, and she is trying to reinforce strong boundaries. You don't like that, so now you're balking. Its pretty natural.

Honestly, many therapists don't realize how important it is to reinforce these strong boundaries. They have their clients email, text, whatever in between sessions. This creates DEPENDENCY when the goal of therapy is INDEPENDENCY. This is a professional relationship so I think its best to be kept as professional as possible. That means tokens of appreciation are not exchanged and such. I think you fail to realize that this is a paying relationship. She isn't your friend, your neighbor or your priest. It can make her job a LOT harder if you start crossing boundaries that then need to be fixed in the future.

Stop looking at your therapist like she is anyone else in your life. You pay her and she provides you with a service. Boundaries need to be rigid as before you know it, you're uber dependent on this person and can't function at all without her input. Not a good place to be. And honestly, you're lucky that she even allows emailing. Most of my therapists didn't allow that and would only allow texts for appointment changes and such (nothing therapy related). The general idea always thrown at me was that if you couldn't function on your own outside of one or two therapy sessions a week, then you need a higher level of care, ie a day program or hospitalization. It may sound rough, but it is designed to force the client to use their skills in between sessions and learn how to function on their own without having the constant input of the therapist.

I think its sad to see how many people responded saying that your therapist is new or inexperienced. This just goes to show that MANY people out there have had therapists with wonky boundaries.....NOT a good thing!

ETA

You may think its "just a plant" but she doesn't know you. She doesn't know if one day, if that plant will die and you no longer see it in her office that you won't freak out and make it into a "my therapist hates me because she threw my plant away!" kind of issue.

Therapists have to keep universal boundaries across the board for the safety of all. Its sort of like when you go into the hospital and everything is locked up and you say "well that's not an issue for ME!" Well, the reason that many things are they way that they are is because OTHER people can't handle XYZ. So maybe there would be no issue with the plant and your therapist, but there would be issues if she accepted a gift from someone else. I think these across the board rules can confuse some people, but they are there for the safety of all.

 

[greenleaf]

I think that ethical therapists differ on these issues, within reasonable limits (and they probably don't agree on what is reasonable totally, but certain things are definitely out.) Some do allow some contact outside sessions, for instance... it probably depends upon the client's issues and needs, too. Extreme rigidity about boundaries might be harmful to one client who has trouble connecting at all, but perhaps firm consistency is helpful to another who has trouble maintaining boundaries. (I'm totally guessing with that last sentence.) I bet some of us have both problems at different times!

I don't actually think that the goal of therapy is total independence, @Solara... (healthy) humans are just plain not totally independent, solitary mammals. We're very social creatures -- as are all our primate relatives -- and need some relationships and connection to be healthy. Abuse in childhood can have messed up our abilities to form healthy connections in all sorts of very different ways too, so I would totally not expect one-size-fits-all treatment to be helpful for many.

@katiekat -- maybe asking your current T for clarification? I also have to say that for myself, if I feel that someone like a T is extremely focused on rules rather than actually helping (and the boundaries are only there when useful as a means toward the primary goal of helping), I really can't trust them due to past experiences with rigid people.

Some relatives of mine were very rule-focused and not human-focused; not warm; I find I need warmth in a person to really trust them -- it feels like empathy in them means they will be safer. If they can actually take on another's pain and share it, they would not want to cause such pain, and also they can help one not feel so alone with the pain.

 

[greenleaf]

p.s. I have taken my trauma therapist cookies. She ate them. I was happy. I felt oddly safer.

Monkeys share food too; I often enjoy learning about the social activities of the (less violent) monkeys... when not bonding with felines...