Crossing Therapy Boundaries?

[katiekat]

@greenleaf Thank you for your posts. I can relate to what you said on many levels and I feel a sense of relief reading it.

 

[Friday]

@greenleaf... Do you know how you would have felt if your therapist had food allergies and had to turn them down? Or a medical condition (diabetes, etc.), or religious issues, or an eating disorder, or their own issues were triggered by baked goods, etc.?

Not saying it was wrong (I had a T I'm close to, aka knew some of his personal life, I would bring kosher cupcakes to for him & his wife whenever I passed through his small town's bakery in my travels for work a few states away... And a few other examples of blurred boundaries) but it does put the therapist in a potentially awkward position. If they have an issue (personal, medical, religious, etc.) do they disclose it? Do they lie by omission or outright? Do they accept, and then throw it away? Accept and run the risk of being made sick, or lapsing in their eating disorder, or, or, or. Emotionally: If it made you feel close to your T / safer for them to eat your food... If they had rejected it?

 

[katiekat]

@FridayJones you make an interesting point that could apply to anyone and it could be an awkward situation-yet I believe intention is more of what is the issue in my situation.

 

[Jane.l]

@katiekat whichever way you look at she did make a mistake by not making her rules clear at the outset and personally I would have excepted and thanked you for your gift and kindly and gently explained to you my mistake in not telling you that I don't usually except gifts - so this would be a one off. She hasn't handled it very well but it's her mistake not yours.

 

[Suzetig]

I think for me the solution when I get to these "weird" points is to go slower. For me it happens most when I push myself further than the relationship is ready for. It's hard to go slow, I just want to be healed and done...but I need to go slow.

I think this is so important - sometimes baby steps are big enough - going slow is still going, I know for e sometimes I need to slow the pace right down so that I can manage the process.

@katiekat , you said you have trust issues and are worried this has set you back - you have some control over whether it does or not. You can use this situation to doubt yourself or your therapist, even make you decide to end therapy with her or you can go back and talk it through with her. That may be a conversation that happens over a number of weeks little bit by little bit, but doing that is what will build trust in the relationship and will be therapeutic in its own right.

 

[greenleaf]

@FridayJones -- I think her emotional response to my intent is likely to most crucial aspect for me. Absolutely loads of people cannot eat all sorts of things, or just don't like them! That's not the issue... taking it out of the realm I intended completely, and making it into an issue of 'That Is a Rigid Boundary In This Room For Your Own Good And This Is Helping Your Treatment' would have freaked me out...

Generally, I am most comfortable in informal settings; I think part of me just had too much exposure to people who combined formality with abuse, and even used formality as an excuse for subtle abuse; perhaps I can better tell if people are empathetic if it's clear they put people above rules... though of course it's often not so clear-cut, rules are often actually very helpful. Well life is just complicated! But my "gut feelings" in therapy really are most relaxed with empathic informal people.

 

[Seasounds]

Coming into this late, in the thread.

• Re: etiquette: You are a good person, amidst a profession, where the rules and nuances aren't clearly spelled out, spoken of, nor consistent among the professionals in practice.
• Protection: From how I understand therapy, and the T to client relationship, the traditional idea of "no gifts" stems from trying to keep the relationship free of actions that might add a layer of (possible) complexity to the relationship. As it may seem cold, it is meant to support a neutral situation.
• In the end, let the financial arrangement, and "thank you", be enough. This also keeps the therapy as the focus. Much money and effort has been put into making sure the T to client relationship is legal and ethical.
• As a patient, for me-with my habits, I have found this tradition helpful because it has stopped me repeating a pattern-from feeling like I need to do more, (like i would my parents) to appease an authority figure's retribution.
• Re: old therapist communicating with new therapist; it sounds like the old T has decided that they are done-don't want to do anything more, and that they are being a bit passive/aggressive. Additionally, therapists will often not share their notes, with anyone, even though they are suppose to. You might save energy, by not pursuing, unless you want to take legal actions.
• From the (seemingly) snotty comment about gift giving to your new therapist and your old therapist, that your new therapist made, I, feeling protective of you, wonder if your new therapist is empathetic and understanding (enough) of your point of view, intentions, and needs.
• Re:email contact: for me, I've liked the idea, but it became a problem, when my last therapist allowed it. My old therapist found it, to be too much input; T preferred to have me save it for our sessions.
• good luck!

 

[katiekat]

@change Thanks for your breakdown-its helpful to take a step back and try to see the situation for what it is and without any emotions getting in the way.

 

[KwanYingirl]

My therapist encourages email checkins when I am close to self harm due to either an overwhelm of chemical fumes or overwhelmed by emotions/life events.
He says it takes him several days to watch me problem solve before he is convinced it's either/or. He does not respond to my emails unless he senses I need extra support. His emails are goal oriented. Take a walk, eat lunch, take a nap-that sort of thing. He is interested to see how I process my overwhelm in realtime, not a week later when the dust settles. I don't need to email him very often, but man if I get too much fumes, my body feels like acid molecules wrapped with barbed wire are coursing through my blood. Yuk.
Anyway, a heart to heart chat with your therapist is the only true way for you to determine her motives and policies. We are all making assumptions which, in the end, may not be benefitting you as much as hearing it from the horses mouth. Muster up your courage and spill your guts so you can get moving forward-whatever that will be.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm wondering something sort of connected to this, because I'm realizing it might be what would bother me in your situation. Could your discomfort be because due to your previous experiences you equate someone defining a boundary with someone withdrawing love/support or even being abusive? I don't know much of your background, but in my family there was never a definition of boundaries, we were just expected to know, and they changed all the time anyway depending what mood my mother was in. She would go along for a while being a doormat and then suddenly explode violently and start imposing rules she had just at that moment made up. I grew up never knowing what calm authority looked like. I've gotten so I really appreciate people telling me their boundaries up front so I don't have to guess, but someone setting one I didn't know about that takes away something I thought I had is still an issue for me because it awakens this not feeling safe. My instinct is very much to feel I must be a bad person and to want to sink through the floor anytime this happens. Could something like this be happening for you?

 

[Seasounds]

• I wish your current therapist could have, empathetically, explained the 'none' gift giving tradition. You have good intentions, which are so meaningful (I guess I am speaking for myself) to have acknowledged.
• Regarding therapy chart notes: I found out how feisty therapists can get, when I first started therapy. I was extremely anxious about confidentiality, so my T told me how many T's have a basic, mundane set of notes for insurance purposes, and 1. may or may not keep any other notes, or 2. may keep a private set, for themselves, which is their property, which they (my T) would destroy in lieu of giving over due to a legal requests.

 

[Seasounds]

@sun seeker, I think the reasons can be so many, and it can be helpful to explore them.Your question brings up how I, as a genuinely nice person (astrologically dominated by Pisces) and a needy person-seeking closeness with anyone, (since my parents didn't allow an accepting or kind interchange), I gave gifts from both (genuine and needy) motives. Certainly, these motives were not 'conscious', at first.

@katiekat, whatever conscious or unconscious motives, may be, I've always found it helpful to "shew" the 'right and wrong' model that, for me, causes self-judgement and shame. Instead, I take a developmental approach, that I am innocent and in a process of learning.