Cruelty And Guilt

[scout86]

After the child is born, I'm sure that if I don't seek child support from him, he won't harass me.

I hope you're right!

 

[Casey_03]

@Cashew I know @FridayJones was trying to prepare me for the worst here, I just really want to stress that my statement was not about what I want, quite the opposite. It wasn't my thinking as an individual, it was my thinking as a parent. The worst case scenario is, of course, that maybe he will push for sole custody once (if) his mother finds out about the baby. I have thought a great deal about that and consulted lawyers, who say nothing about this situation works in his favor. But there is also a chance I will be moving back to Russia after the baby is born. And if that happens, he won't even be able to find me. The Russian courts do not cooperate with the UK in this sphere.

 

[Ronin]

But there is also a chance I will be moving back to Russia after the baby is born.

The Russian courts do not cooperate with the UK in this sphere.

I am glad to hear it's an option still, & that there's options in the justice system of the country you're a citizen of.

 

[blackemerald1]

So @Casey_03 I presume you have or will be taking out a restraining order to get this turd off your back??

Regardless of him feeling guilt or remorse sooner or later. As a mother you have an obligation to protect yourself & the baby.
I hope you are keeping texts, recordings, diary notes of threats etc for any legal action you may need down the track. He is. STALKING you, that is illegal! Report him to the police.
Feelings don't come into this right now, you & your baby, regardless of his feelings come first.

You can block him till the cows come home... then what.. he escalates his feelings to the next level?

Sure people can feel remorse, but will it be too late to fix you or your baby..that depends on his ongoing behavior NOW!

Wondering if he is going to feel remorse, who knows, but knowingly putting you & baby through hell now does not bode well for your health & the baby.

It doesn't matter whether he has any feelings, he has no right to treat you & your baby this way.

Whether the baby was planned or not; clearly you cannot reason with irrational behavior & threats, risking your job & other much more important things, right now.

Wait till he gets hit with a child support order because you are going to need financial assistance to raise this child. Don't wait for him to really trip his trolley then because I am positive his feelings will not be on your radar then.

And by the way, do you think he is losing sleep over your feelings, potential loss of job, harm to you & baby etc.,?

Do something right now. Maybe a few nights not being able to wreck you & and a complete innocent, will make him realise he must respect your feelings, regardless of his.

I just read your post about you think he is behaving this way because he doesn't want his family to know.... absolutely pathetic piece of shit! Oh, having raised two children on my own, get over the fact that you won't be needing financial assistance from him, because baby's don't live on oxygen alone & you do not have a crystal ball for your future financial situation. Whilst the Court can give you full rights for no visitation to the baby by him, they can also force him into making child support. They don't necessarily go together... if he was man enough to do the deed; let the Court know how much he is terrorising you now, let the Court deal with his feelings. Don't be fooled into his feelings of reputation with his family or his feelings about having to pay for a child he is responsible for concieving.

No, don't take that risk, because while you & that baby exist, till he is stopped, you remain at risk.

Sorry, bit emotional over this but being left twice by husband's, who squirrelled their way into paying the most minimal child support, while I worked my guts out in full time employment to keep a roof over my children & provide every thing I could without ever one visit except to threaten harm, well that's reality @Casey_03 .

 

[Ronin]

He is. STALKING you, that is illegal! Report him to the police.

That depends on an assumption it's indeed defined as illegal where Casey is right now, and police system works with it as a crime (which, being Eastern Europe, and right now at war? I doubt.). What she's experiencing, while it well is stalking with its predictable effects, may not meet the legal definitions of stalking, assuming it even IS a crime over there.

 

[Casey_03]

@blackemerald1 @Cashew The situation is especially complicated because this is a transnational case -- a U.S. citizen mother living in Ukraine, and a UK citizen father living in London. Ukrainian laws do not apply, because he is doing the stalking within the jurisdiction of the UK. So it is legally defined as stalking and he could face prosecution - IF I had the money to pay for the lawyers. I was able to afford only a consultation. I can't afford to pay for a restraining order or to file for child support - that would cost me at least a few thousand dollars because it requires international lawyers who can work in transnational jurisdiction. I wish I could afford to do something, but realistically I can't. I need to save what little money I earn to be able to pay for the birth and the costs of the baby after he is born.

 

[Friday]

it was my thinking as a parent.

- There are parents on this board whose abusers have been proven in court to be abusive, and the courts still gave them their kids. We're not talking threats, we're talking documented abuse, much of it horrifying. Parents who have fought for years. Who have bankrupted themselves. Who have cried over their child in the hospital, after their ex put them there. Again. And again. And again. This is just one of the many sick, sad, twisted sides of DV. When the courts know there's abuse & keep giving the kids back to their abusers, no matter how much the other parent doesn't want it. I'm one of them.

- There are parents on this board whose abusers were denied access to their kids by the courts... And then kidnapped them.

In both of these cases? We don't want our exes to have our children. They still do. I very much hope that both your ex & the courts agree with you.

You. The other parent. The courts. All have equal say.

I know it's a difficult concept (it's the most difficult concept in divorce/parenting ; that what you want no longer matters / the other person has equal say, and the courts are wild cards, no one knows what they'll say until they do). One thing that can help is to run everything you're sayin through an opposite filter: You think your ex would have to ask you to see the baby. Do you have to ask him to see your baby?... Of course not! Right? It's your baby! It's his, too. He has as much of a right to it in most countries -and more in some countries- as you do. // You ex has declared that he won't let you in your child's life. Do you agree? Walk away and never see your child again on his say so? Or disagree / would fight that?... Not saying your ex would or will disagree &/or fight, but he can. Just like you can. // If the courts agreed with him, he now has sole custody? Would you listen to the courts? Or fight that? Even if it took years and years? Or ignore it & kidnap your child? ............ This is the 3 parties, all have equal say. You. Your ex. The courts.

Best case scenario The courts don't grant him custody/visitation AND he agrees with that & leaves the 2 of you alone for the rest of forever.

This simply isn't always what happens. In some places? It isn't even what usually happens.

I very much hope you & your baby stay far, far, far out of his & his wealthy family's reach for the rest of forever... And that they want nothing to do with you. It's not being abandoned when an abuser leaves you alone (whether they're over the moon happy to, or feel remorse about it now or at some point in the future), it's a blessing. It's what one wants. Or, at least, hopefully what one wants. Big difference between abandoned & escaped. I hope you escape. I didn't.

 

[Casey_03]

@FridayJones I hope I escape too, and I'm sorry you had to go through this hell. He wasn't abusive until I got pregnant, and even then it was emotional/verbal abuse, and stalking/harassment. I was fortunate enough that he never tried to lay a hand on me. The reason I'm not especially worried (I can't say I'm not worried at all, that'd be a lie) about the courts in my situation is because not only do the father and I live in two different countries, but I am off the grid in my country. Even if he went through the UK courts and filed a petition with the Ukrainian courts, I'm not registered in this country. There is no record of me or where I live, no registration, nothing on file with the U.S. Embassy. I don't even use a debit or credit card. The only way he would find me is through my current job, which I probably won't be at much longer. And if I do move back to Russia, he stands no chance whatsoever. Russian courts don't just not cooperate with the UK, they delight in obstructing cooperation. REMO does not apply in Russia. So, in sum, it's not even that I think the courts will side with me -- I don't. It's that international cases like this don't work the same way as they do when it's all happening in one country, especially when one of the countries isn't a signatory to the international treaty that sets the rules for this area of law. If I were to move back to the U.S., I'd think it's very likely that he would find me and maybe sue for custody of the child. But the transnational nature of the current situation makes it next to impossible for him to do that. I know the old adage "never say never" - so I won't say never in this case. But I will say highly unlikely in the current circumstances.

 

[blackemerald1]

But, there is the issue of you NOW! Are you positive that he cannot be given a restraining order in absentia without it costing thousands? The UK has laws for prosecution of his behavior. If you flee to Russia, do you have the money to get out, leaving everything behind - & the means & support necessary to begin again as a single mother?

And, not to throw another problem in to this. You are in the US. Therefore, your child will be a US citizen? How do you get yourself & child to Russia via International flights? You must register your child's birth somewhere. The getting of a Visa to take your child anywhere, without you being legal where you birth this child, would be near impossible.. or am I completely confused?

 

[scout86]

You are in the US

She's a US citizen, working in the Ukraine.

 

[Casey_03]

@blackemerald1 I am positive about the restraining order, yes. It has to be filed through a UK court, and since I am not a UK citizen nor do I reside in the UK, i would have to hire lawyers to get it done. I've consulted numerous women's rights NGOs about this and lawyers. And no, I am not in the U.S., I'm in Ukraine. I think you are confused about that. I have residency in Russia, spent ten years working there. I would go there after the birth, so the child would be registered through the embassy here. I don't need a visa for Russia though, and it's only a train ride away.

 

[Casey_03]

@blackemerald1 I'm not completely crazy )) Not trying to flee to Russia from the U.S.