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Childhood CSA/COCSA

When I was between 7 and 9 (can't remember exactly as it was so long ago) I was touched sexually and exposed to pornography by a classmate. I didn't understand that it was sexual and the only thing I knew was that it felt good. When I (female) was 10 and my younger sister was 5, we would play this game where one of us would try to wake the other up and the other would pretend to be sleeping. Several times that we played this game she would touch my genitals or I would touch hers and I didn't do anything to stop it. Mostly, she would ask to play the game but sometimes I was the one who initiated playing the game first. This continued until I was 11, when I decided to refuse to play the game because it felt wrong. I didn't know exactly why, only that it felt "off" so I decided I would not do that anymore. Then, when I was 14, I found out about sex and sexual assault and realized that by playing this game I was abusing her. I grew up in a very Christian, purity centered household and any mention of sex was considered taboo, so I found out about sex through one of my friends. This has been eating away at me for years. I am so disgusted with myself over this. My sister could be traumatized just because I decided to let this happen without a second thought. She never mentioned it to me or gave an indication that she remembered it but the possibility is there and she might just be too traumatized or triggered by it to say anything. Can I become a good person again? I developed depression as a result (deserved) and was suicidal for some years. I wasn't even abused and since my mental condition afterwards was that bad, hers must have been much worse after facing sexual assault at my hands. I just want to make things right, if that's even possible at this point. What can I do?
 
Are you seeing a therapist?

This is my frustration with extremely uneducated but highly religious households. Kids play and learn and discover and now there’s all this huge shame that shouldn’t be there because nobody stopped to talk about what’s normal and what’s not. Talk to a therapist and even talk to your sister.
 
Are you seeing a therapist?

This is my frustration with extremely uneducated but highly religious households. Kids play and learn and discover and now there’s all this huge shame that shouldn’t be there because nobody stopped to talk about what’s normal and what’s not. Talk to a therapist and even talk to your sister.
I'm not seeing a therapist yet but plan to start soon.
 
I didn't know exactly why, only that it felt "off"
Puberty.

Before puberty? Anything -innocently- sexual has the same childish joy as lollipops, ice creams, or jumping off swings. Whether it’s sneaky forbidden or a bona fide treat. As soon as hormones kick in? It changes. Becomes charged. Isn’t just play. It’s not just childish joy but… more. Before puberty? There simply aren’t the hormones, or development, to make it more.

Then, when I was 14, I found out about sex and sexual assault and realized that by playing this game I was abusing her.
Pfft. No you weren’t. You were a kid. Doing what kids do.


Can I become a good person again? I developed depression as a result (deserved) and was suicidal for some years.
I’m so sorry. PLEASE do find a good developmental psychologist to walk you through how absolutely NORMAL kids experimenting with each other is (pretty much the only kids who don’t are/have been sexually abused), and help you find your center, self worth, self esteem, & self confidence.
 
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