Childhood Csa Shaped Your Entire Being?

[Stills]

CSA completely shaped my behaviour throughout my entire life. I always thought something was wrong with me. And to know it could've been solved years ago just makes me feel like the damage can't be undone. How am I supposed to undo all that I am and my ways of life? oh my god....I've always had obsessively clingy relationships with certain people and I just had no idea why I was like that. It's like I have no boundaries at times for some people and I feel so bad for them. It's like I can't control myself. I feel like withdrawing myself from absolutely everyone until I "get better" if that's even possible!!! I HAVE to do that. I've been like for this forever. I constantly felt sensation in my genitals and I thought there was something wrong with me or I simply had a high libido, but to be that way basically when anyone gives me attention is just like what... Does anyone else not like hugs? Sometimes I can be really affectionate, but sometimes I don't know when to hug people. Also when I want a hug, I never ask for it. And when I do ask for it, I don't like myself for it. I just don't like hugging people generally, like it comes and goes, but I rarely ever reach out for one. Most of the time when I do reach out for one it's because I feel like that's what friends do and I just have to do that. Maybe I'm just overthinking it. I crave touch, but it makes me uncomfortable that I either won't relax into it or it'll just take me a solid minute to let go and just accept it. Either that, or it simply irritates me and gets me upset. Anyone else feel this way???

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Yes I feel this way too. I've become apathetic about it all recently though.

 

[Fadeaway]

My grandmother hated hugs so I never got them as a child but I craved them, but I fear the rejection too much to ask for one. I struggle with being touched bad. I too craved it but can't stand it at the same time.

 

[RussH]

I completely understand how you feel. How can you undo the damage of the past? You can't, but you can heal.

As for the clingy relationships: The need to feel accepted and loved can be a powerful motivator, to act in a positive, or negative manner.

How do you change? I think the first thing is to learn to accept and love yourself. When we,I include me in this statement, learn to accept and love ourselves, then the need for external acceptance and love is reduced. I think we can then put our relationships with others into a better balance, and therefore a far more healthier relationship for both them and us.

 

[Deleted member 34060]

I think in General it is very hard to find boundaries, in particular the right boundaries when you have been abused as a child. Personally I wasn't sexually abused but "only" verbally, but I can still relate. While I'm comfortable with hugs and touches I still today have difficulties saying "no" for example.