CSA survivors’ complicated relationship to anger

[Rose White]

Not sure how to put this but will try. I think I’m trying to formulate ideas. I noticed that in popular culture anger is considered generally negative and toxic and something that needs to be tempered and managed. I do agree with that to some extent. And also, recently it is no longer considered healthy to vent anger as it tends to just amplify it further.

But! (You knew that was coming.)

It seems to me that some of us were conditioned to be repositories for anger from others and to repress any anger of our own (which often gets turned into self destructive behaviors and defense mechanisms). I wonder how many of you, like me, thought at some point in your life, “I can’t get angry.” Or, “I can only be angry on others’ behalf.”

I say it’s a complicated relationship because anger seems to be the vital lifeline to healing from csa, if properly harnessed and directed and expressed it can move the energy out of our bodies instead of letting it fester and harden and cannibalize ourselves.

I feel it is complicated because there are legitimately people whose lives are ruined by their own anger and they would give anything to tame it or manage it.

To make matters more complicated, I think that people like me who were conditioned to accept and metabolize others’ anger are like a lock and key set for someone who has difficulty regulating their anger. What starts as something amiable can spiral into codependency as each person falls into old patterns.

Also, csa survivors have so many reasons to be very very angry. And if that is never expressed? It comes out in other ways, and someone being angry by proxy could serve as a way to ineffectively get it out.

Sorry my thoughts are all jumbled. I welcome your thoughts experiences etc.

 

[arfie]

i am a natural rager. i have reason to believe i came down the birth canal fighting mad. for sure, i've had anger issues for as long as i can remember. i have a hyper-active metabolism with suspicions of autism. fighting is second nature to me. this is the first i've heard the thought that venting anger amplifies it. in hindsight i can see the philosophy embedded in all the "proper lady" lectures i endured as a tomboy who would rather dissect a barbie than play with one. dissection is not play?

in the psychotherapy sessions where i learned anger channeling, there was much talk about finding safe, appropriate vents in place of the random targeting i tended to do as a child, but the popular consensus was that repressing anger amplifies far more than appropriate channeling. i can agree that the random targeting amplifies anger. venting my anger at innocent stand-byers comes with allot of guilt and shame baggage. but the cathartic relief i gain from well targeted anger venting is beyond measure.

 

[Rose White]

@arfie that sounds like a great outlet.

 

[Ecdysis]

I struggle with this too and yeah, the old school of thought was that anger should be vented.

But that's shifted now, in terms of anger management classes etc, as for many people, venting can just continue to fuel the cycle.

Hard to find good middle ground tho between repression and fueling it...

 

[iceberg13]

I love this conversation. As it's what I am dealing with right now within myself and also trying to have a romantic relationship.

I think he is super co dependent and also has anger issues that he has no clue why he is the way he is.

I can barely be around him because I am at my wits end and just end up screaming at him because of built up resentment because of his behavior and how he treats me.

He freaks out when I set boundaries...I don't freaking know how to break the cycle other than setting more and more boundaries...open to suggestions

 

[Teasel]

I relate to all of this. Growing up I thought that I don't get angry - I was entirely dissociated, and binged a huge amount. I see the binges as self destructive and self punishing sometimes too. Before the binges there was restricting food. I can remember very occasionally feeling angry for just a moment, it would turn immediately into crying.. Think I've heard some people mentioning anger turning into sadness... Maybe because sadness is safer than anger.

It wasn't safe for me to be angry.

Dad had a terrifying temper

My ex was incredibly angry too.

Later in life, I did begin to get in touch with my anger, and began to be capable of sticking up for myself too - I feel they are linked, rightly or wrongly

And though I had always responded to my ex with trying to stivk up for myself, and being angry - I never "won"

I think because I was still very much hampered by erroneous beliefs such as thinking boundaries are something you try to get others to respect by explaining yourself and how someone hurt you.

I did eventually learn from @Friday that boundaries are all about what you do when someone crosses your boundaries. Eg leave

I left my ex lol

Building up to leaving, I found myself feeling absolute rage - maybe from all the years of suppressing all that anger I don't know.

I was filled with rage with men for some years. My Dad, brother, grandad were all abusive, all my partners and many other incidences of sexual assault and rape certainly helped fuel that.

I mean, I've always been a see things from both sides kind of person, prolly too much so many times. And I don't tend to sweeping statements like I hate men. Nor did I hate all men. But yeah, I was bloody angry with men for some years. I'm much more reasonable now. I'm angry with the particular men that hurt me, or hurt others. It's a healthier anger?

I figure, when you learn something new, you aren't perfect at it immediately? So I think I forgive myself for having a period of time of being angry with men.

At some point I realised I was becoming bitter and I wasn't ok with that. I don't remember everything I did to work on that, one of the things I did was to take up Metta Meditation though which helped a lot, helped a huge amount for self compassion also.

Menopause
f*cking hell.

Menopause has brought a new relationship to anger which I'm not bloody enjoying at all.

0 to rage on a regular basis, frustration tolerance is very f*cking teeny tiny indeed.

Edit to add, 0 to rage is overstating things

So I have more homework regarding anger.

How to deal with the excess of it now rather than the supression of it.

Great post @Rose White

 

[iceberg13]

I relate to all of this. Growing up I thought that I don't get angry - I was entirely dissociated, and binged a huge amount. I see the binges as self destructive and self punishing sometimes too. Before the binges there was restricting food. I can remember very occasionally feeling angry for just a moment, it would turn immediately into crying.. Think I've heard some people mentioning anger turning into sadness... Maybe because sadness is safer than anger.

It wasn't safe for me to be angry.

Dad had a terrifying temper

My ex was incredibly angry too.

Later in life, I did begin to get in touch with my anger, and began to be capable of sticking up for myself too - I feel they are linked, rightly or wrongly

And though I had always responded to my ex with trying to stivk up for myself, and being angry - I never "won"

I think because I was still very much hampered by erroneous beliefs such as thinking boundaries are something you try to get others to respect by explaining yourself and how someone hurt you.

I did eventually learn from @Friday that boundaries are all about what you do when someone crosses your boundaries. Eg leave

I left my ex lol

Building up to leaving, I found myself feeling absolute rage - maybe from all the years of suppressing all that anger I don't know.

I was filled with rage with men for some years. My Dad, brother, grandad were all abusive, all my partners and many other incidences of sexual assault and rape certainly helped fuel that.

I mean, I've always been a see things from both sides kind of person, prolly too much so many times. And I don't tend to sweeping statements like I hate men. Nor did I hate all men. But yeah, I was bloody angry with men for some years. I'm much more reasonable now. I'm angry with the particular men that hurt me, or hurt others. It's a healthier anger?

I figure, when you learn something new, you aren't perfect at it immediately? So I think I forgive myself for having a period of time of being angry with men.

At some point I realised I was becoming bitter and I wasn't ok with that. I don't remember everything I did to work on that, one of the things I did was to take up Metta Meditation though which helped a lot, helped a huge amount for self compassion also.

Menopause
f*cking hell.

Menopause has brought a new relationship to anger which I'm not bloody enjoying at all.

0 to rage on a regular basis, frustration tolerance is very f*cking teeny tiny indeed.

Edit to add, 0 to rage is overstating things

So I have more homework regarding anger.

How to deal with the excess of it now rather than the supression of it.

Great post @Rose White

Yes...I am in perimenopause also

 

[Teasel]

I am in perimenopause also

*Nods* My condolences

He freaks out when I set boundaries...I don't freaking know how to break the cycle other than setting more and more boundaries...open to suggestions

Was the same with my ex. I stopped trying to explain how his behaviour affected me and could he please stop. Instead, when he did something I wasn't ok with, I got up and removed myself to somewhere else. Every time. And eventually moved out all together.

 

[Roland]

My dad had rage anger. It was scary, and his anger controlled me, because I tried so hard to just agree with him so he'd stop or to avoid his triggers. My mom actually also had some anger issues but not as bad and mostly reactive to him. So the result was lots of yelling, sometimes breaking or throwing things as well. But me? I don't get angry like that, I internalize it, which led to self harm and suicide attempts. I cry when I'm angry, I don't lash out at others. But even still I don't feel truly connected or expressed in my anger. I have anxiety attacks when people are angry. So I can't imagine really being angry like really. Over the years I've learned not to internalize it so much, and to hold people responsible for reasonable reasons to be angry with them, disappointed in them etc but I still think for the most part I don't feel anger exactly.

 

[Rose White]

Thanks for the responses! Really vibing with a lot of what’s been said here! Especially…

I can remember very occasionally feeling angry for just a moment, it would turn immediately into crying..

Yeah same.

Maybe because sadness is safer than anger

And I think this too. My dad was the only one “allowed” to be angry and he seemed to sort of feed off of others’ tears. If he could get us to cry he would feel better. Eventually my retaliation was to not cry (and take more of his anger) because I didn’t want to give him relief.

It wasn't safe for me to be angry.

Dad had a terrifying temper

My ex was incredibly angry too.

Relate very much.

I have anxiety attacks when people are angry.

Similar though not full on anxiety attacks. I feel like I’m really good at becoming calm when people are angry. But it does affect me, especially later. Then I tend to self harm, but not too badly these days. It’s the internalizing. I’m getting better at not doing that but it is definitely an old habit.

Thanks @iceberg13 too for sharing your thoughts and experience. I look forward to hearing how you work through some of that. @Ecdysis you have shared some in other posts how you deal with this kind of stuff. Appreciate you joining in.

 

[iceberg13]

*Nods* My

Thanks for the responses! Really vibing with a lot of what’s been said here! Especially…

Yeah same.

And I think this too. My dad was the only one “allowed” to be angry and he seemed to sort of feed off of others’ tears. If he could get us to cry he would feel better. Eventually my retaliation was to not cry (and take more of his anger) because I didn’t want to give him relief.

Relate very much.

Similar though not full on anxiety attacks. I feel like I’m really good at becoming calm when people are angry. But it does affect me, especially later. Then I tend to self harm, but not too badly these days. It’s the internalizing. I’m getting better at not doing that but it is definitely an old habit.

Thanks @iceberg13 too for sharing your thoughts and experience. I look forward to hearing how you work through some of that. @Ecdysis you have shared some in other posts how you deal with this kind of stuff. Appreciate you joining in.

The anger I have now is different than any anger i have ever felt before, like a big layer. So big I am afraid of it...makes me feel physically violent, can't even focus, can't write because the energy feels like it will break the pen. Also internalize it like some say on here...maybe I should name it...? Lol

Anybody got a good name for my "raging bitch" that's showing up?

 

[enough]

anger is supposed to drive action and all of that anger we experienced as kids was supposed to drive us to find escape from our antagonists. from age 11 when it started to 14 when i got a work permit and my escape i was constantly angry and constantly depressed by my inability to affect change. Anger turned inwards is depression? maybe.
now, i no longer repress anger and i swear its true when i am raging and cursing it is only because i am trying to affect change for the better, and my deepest depressions are when it feels like it just isnt possible unless i let anger make me push the nuclear option button and just disappear from a life that some days feels like immersion in the world of antagonism. clothes. truck. gone, never to look back on the lost fruits of a long hard life of work. Better to repress the anger? better to let it do its job? hard to decide.