I have 3 sisters, the twins are 12 yrs older, and the other is 8 years older. One of the twins got custody of me when I was 12 and my mother was considered unfit by the court. Obviously there was abuse and neglect. This sister was very cold to me the entire years I lived there. She was never involved in my life in any way. Her husband is actually the one that went to court to get custody. He was strict but at least allowed me to go to homecomings and things like this. I got married at 17 and she did not want to come to my wedding or shower, etc. Her husband was the only father figure I really ever had. When I was about 25, her husband had an affair and they got divorced. She forbid me to ever talk to him or it "would ruin our relationship". Even after my lengthy explainations, she would not budge. Obviously, our whole family is quite dysfunctional. I continued my relationship with her husband. Up until this point, I was about 28, I had never stood up to her and did what she wanted.
When good things happened in my life, she seemed to resent it.(birth of my chidren, buying a home, graduating college, etc ) She bad mouthed me to her children during their teens which was very hurtful since I took care of them during my teens alot. Eventually, they have all grown up. Another sister is her twin and follows her lead. The twins have alternated on me or the one 8 yrs older being on the outs for many years. It finally came to the point that I just stopped talking to any of them. If I cross paths, we are cordial, we just do not call each other and do what we can to avoid each other. That has worked ok.
She is very underhanded and has told me that she has resented me for my whole life. As much as that hurts, I have felt it best to just accept that truth. She has a list of things she has done for me, primarily, taking me in her home when I was 12, even though I was treated like I was invisible, and inconvenience, and tolerated.
Over the past couple of years, my niece and I have become somewhat close again. She is 12 yrs younger than I and we live in the same neighborhood. She has a 14 yr old daughter that like to bring friends to my house to swim in the summer and other stuff. Anyway, my niece sometimes drinks too much hard liquor and gets on this rant of wanting to re-unite her mother and I. I can understand her desire and have told her 2 times that if she likes, we can discuss this sometime when there is no alcohol in the picture because it is much too sensative subject.
A couple of days ago, while planning a family dinner, she brought up the subject again and became insistant that I should apologize to her mom for something I said 18 yrs ago, the first time I stood up for myself. I have no intention of apologizing because I am not sorry even if it did hurt her feelings. I also know that it came on the heels of me refusing to terminate a relationship with her husband. I listened to her longer than I should before I finally said that this conversation is over and left. I went home and took a xanax, slept all night, all the next day, got up and ate at 10 pm, back to bed and slept the whole night again. It seemed to trigger so many things in me. I could not even talk about it until today. It was nonsense and senseless. This evening I re-read Anthonys post about needing that sleep (not depression) following such events. (the overflowed cup)
I know there are many others on here who have written off family. I guess my question is-did you find that you had to terminate a relationship with all of them, part of them, have you been able to maintain relationships with some that are more reasonable? At this point, I am not finding my niece very reasonable. As a matter of fact, it was her mother telling me what to do that led to the discord. They are relentless. This type of discussion is exhausting and senseless.
I also wrote a letter to my niece (that I wont probably send), it was for my own benefit, therapeutic of what I would say about the situation. I have never said one bad word about my sister to her children, and when my niece has pointed out her flaws, I have even attributed it to how we were raised and that she did the best she could. And so did I. Out of 15 children between us, mine are the only to graduate from college and are bad mouthed and called spoiled brats for getting an education. At least 6 have serious addiction problems, including my oldest duaghter who was born when I was 17.
I miss having siblings but I do not miss the drama or attempts to be pulled into their disputes. Now I feel as though my niece is stepping it up to draw e back in which I will absolutely not due. My feeling is that it is none of her business.
I do not want to react on ptsd emtotions or be unreasonable, but it is feeling very unhealthy to continue this. I welcome any advice and experiences that you may have. Please share your thoughts on what is the best way to handle this. I dont want to over react-though I guess 2 straight days of sleep is a bit over the top.
When good things happened in my life, she seemed to resent it.(birth of my chidren, buying a home, graduating college, etc ) She bad mouthed me to her children during their teens which was very hurtful since I took care of them during my teens alot. Eventually, they have all grown up. Another sister is her twin and follows her lead. The twins have alternated on me or the one 8 yrs older being on the outs for many years. It finally came to the point that I just stopped talking to any of them. If I cross paths, we are cordial, we just do not call each other and do what we can to avoid each other. That has worked ok.
She is very underhanded and has told me that she has resented me for my whole life. As much as that hurts, I have felt it best to just accept that truth. She has a list of things she has done for me, primarily, taking me in her home when I was 12, even though I was treated like I was invisible, and inconvenience, and tolerated.
Over the past couple of years, my niece and I have become somewhat close again. She is 12 yrs younger than I and we live in the same neighborhood. She has a 14 yr old daughter that like to bring friends to my house to swim in the summer and other stuff. Anyway, my niece sometimes drinks too much hard liquor and gets on this rant of wanting to re-unite her mother and I. I can understand her desire and have told her 2 times that if she likes, we can discuss this sometime when there is no alcohol in the picture because it is much too sensative subject.
A couple of days ago, while planning a family dinner, she brought up the subject again and became insistant that I should apologize to her mom for something I said 18 yrs ago, the first time I stood up for myself. I have no intention of apologizing because I am not sorry even if it did hurt her feelings. I also know that it came on the heels of me refusing to terminate a relationship with her husband. I listened to her longer than I should before I finally said that this conversation is over and left. I went home and took a xanax, slept all night, all the next day, got up and ate at 10 pm, back to bed and slept the whole night again. It seemed to trigger so many things in me. I could not even talk about it until today. It was nonsense and senseless. This evening I re-read Anthonys post about needing that sleep (not depression) following such events. (the overflowed cup)
I know there are many others on here who have written off family. I guess my question is-did you find that you had to terminate a relationship with all of them, part of them, have you been able to maintain relationships with some that are more reasonable? At this point, I am not finding my niece very reasonable. As a matter of fact, it was her mother telling me what to do that led to the discord. They are relentless. This type of discussion is exhausting and senseless.
I also wrote a letter to my niece (that I wont probably send), it was for my own benefit, therapeutic of what I would say about the situation. I have never said one bad word about my sister to her children, and when my niece has pointed out her flaws, I have even attributed it to how we were raised and that she did the best she could. And so did I. Out of 15 children between us, mine are the only to graduate from college and are bad mouthed and called spoiled brats for getting an education. At least 6 have serious addiction problems, including my oldest duaghter who was born when I was 17.
I miss having siblings but I do not miss the drama or attempts to be pulled into their disputes. Now I feel as though my niece is stepping it up to draw e back in which I will absolutely not due. My feeling is that it is none of her business.
I do not want to react on ptsd emtotions or be unreasonable, but it is feeling very unhealthy to continue this. I welcome any advice and experiences that you may have. Please share your thoughts on what is the best way to handle this. I dont want to over react-though I guess 2 straight days of sleep is a bit over the top.
