Cutting Ties With Toxic Family

[Philippa]

I think I know what you mean there ProOptimist.

I've been having a similar conflict recently about abandoning my mother, but when I think about all the incidences of her emotionally abandoning me, and neglecting and ignoring and giving me the silent treatment, putting this sense of being insignificant onto me, for my whole life, it is hard to not feel justified in my decision. I may be abandoning her, but she has left me no choice.

She will not look at her issues, and will not admit to her bad behavior, which is harmful to me. I tried to work on it with her, but she chose to revert back to her old ways, and really dug her heel in this time. She has abandoned herSELF as well...it's not just me. Abandoning her SELF has been the real cause of her abandoning me emotionally, so I can only go along with the natural consequences of her behavior towards me. There is only so much I am willing to put up with, and with a person who has already stated that she doesn't really like me, to what degree am I obliged to stick around?

Forgiving is one thing, but that doesn't mean I have to put myself in the line of fire again, just to spare her feelings. She created this.

 

[Ohyeathat]

I have been reading everyone's posts here and I want to thank you all for sharing what you are going through. I have cut my toxic family off many times over the years. Always going back hoping that things would be better, always heartbroken when they were not. It's comforting to know I am not the only one who has been through this.

The worst for me has been the past two years. I finally told my mother about the abuse in my marriage. I left my abuser and attempted to establish myself and prepare for my children to live with me. But in order to get them away from my ex I had to serve him a restraining order. The day after I did that I got a call from my mother. Screaming at me for what I had done. Telling me how I had hurt my abuser. I hung up on her and refused to answer the many calls that followed. The messages she left on my voicemail were horrible. My mother was abused by her father and now she believes anything my ex tells her about me. I'm sure she has relayed anything he has told her to the rest of my family. They love to gossip. I have been told by my aunt, grandmother and mother that I deserved to be abused. That my ex had no choice to do what he did, because I told him couldn't take it anymore, that I didn't see any way for us to work on the relationship. It's amazing how he gets to be justified in his behavior and I am the villain. I pushed him to it, he had no choice they say. WTH?!?

I have removed family members from my social media accounts. I refuse their phone calls on my birthday and holidays. I still get the random message with empty sentiment around my birthday. I just don't respond. They will make attempts in the future to get me to play their sick game but I refuse. I won't dread the moment they reach out anymore. I will just prepare myself for it and give them the response hey deserve. Nothing.

 

[jmni]

ohyeathat, sorry for this. What a terrible experience. You're doing the right thing by blocking them. This are clearly people that you should have nothing to do with.

Each time I've revisited my family it's gone from bad to worse. I give them a chance and that is thrown in my face.

 

[Ohyeathat]

Each time I've revisited my family it's gone from bad to worse. I give them a chance and that is thrown in my face.

Exactly! I am not putting myself through that again.

 

[shoulderblades]

I've cut myself off from my family. I made the decision ten years ago, after confronting my grandmother about hurtful things she said and did to me when I was a teenager. (To give some context, she told me things like, "If your mother dies, it will be your fault" when my mum was diagnosed with cancer.) My grandmother's reaction to me confronting her was to tell me that I had made it up, that I was insane, selfish and that she had done no such thing. Cue my grandfather physically threatening me while I was holding my six-month old daughter. My grandmother of course told the rest of my family and my uncles and aunts took my grandparents' side; they all agreed that I was selfish, self-centred, that I was the cause of everyone's misery, and told me to leave town and never come back.

So, I made the decision right afterwards to never contact them again, never speak to them again, never have anything to do with them again. I fell into a heap; I had a mental breakdown after that and became terribly sick. As the years went by, I started to question whether my family were right; I started to 'whitewash' the memories of my family, remembering them in a more idealistic way than a realistic way. I got stuck in the guilt and mindset that everything was indeed my fault, just like my family had been telling me for years.

Last year, after nine years of silence and no contact with my family, my uncle phoned me up and told me my grandfather had died. I decided to go to the funeral, thinking maybe people would have changed, that maybe they were nicer, maybe this funeral could be a chance to reconcile. Boy, was I wrong. At the wake, my grandmother said something to me that cut me so deeply, I broke down into tears, and everyone took her side and said that I was the blame for the horrible she had said to me. Nobody bothered, not even once, to consider it from my point of view.

I knew then and there that I had made the right decision in cutting them out of my life. If anything, the funeral was a blessing in disguise, in that it gave me an opportunity to put my 'whitewashed' idea of my family to the test. It helped me lay to rest demons that I've been battling with regards to my family. Granted, I had a major breakdown after coming home from the funeral, but I at least had the solid reassurance that I was much better off without my family in my life.

Cutting family out of your life is a very, very difficult process. And it IS a process. It's not something you just decide to do and that's the end of it. No; it's a heart-wrenching, guilt-riddled process that takes years and years of anguish and self-doubt to work through. But if your family is toxic, it's a worthwhile process going through because nobody deserves toxicity in their lives, especially those who have lived through abuse at the hands of others.

To all of those here who've cut out toxic family from your lives: I commend you because it's a very difficult decision to make and even more difficult process to work through. That you've successfully managed to remove those toxic people from your life demonstrates how strong you all are. Doesn't matter if you're struggling with it - YOU ARE STRONG for making decisions that are right for you.

 

[jmni]

Sometimes I feel really afraid as if they are still here and still stalking me. As if they are just around the corner or peeping in the window or something like that. I can't believe they are really gone. It's hard to believe I can even do something as simple as go to the store or cook dinner without there being some kind of psychotic catastrophe because I am so use to my father ruining everything with his creepy immature fits. It's just hard to adjust to the possibility of a normal life.

 

[Ohyeathat]

I keep getting the feeling that my family is talking crap about me like they always have. They probably are and I am working on not giving a shit about it. They don't care about my feelings and they never will. Of course they will talk shit because it keeps them from having to focus on their own problems. Or working on the things they need to improve within themselves. I am starting to let go of the feeling that I should explain myself to them. They don't care what REALLY happened to me in my marriage or any other time in my life. Anyone who really cares wants to hear how you are feeling and will actually listen to you. I will NEVER get that from them.

I agree that it has all been hard. Removing them from my life and not feeling guilty about it. But I will not stop. Every day moving forward has been better than the last. I have to be the one who declare what is and isn't acceptable in my life.

 

[MissMacD]

shoulderblades - I am turning 30 this year and my family hasn't been there for me since I was five. My parents split up when I was little and I was basically left on my own since then. When I was 24 I moved away from home because I couldn't take the pain of them being in my life anymore and living so close to me. When I got here I had this fantasy that once I moved away they would start being my parents and things would be better. Five years later neither has ever been here to visit me. I suffered hardcore for about three years and about a year ago I completely cut ties with my mom and dad and biological sister. I went the extra mile to protect myself a few months ago by changing my phone number and only giving it out to my immediate friends.

Three and a half years ago I met an incredible man who has stood by me while I undergo my transformation of detoxing from my biological family. His own family is incredible to me and they call us every week to see how we are. They come to visit ever now and then, sometimes they stay for months at a time and it's totally manageable. It took meeting good people for me to realize how toxic my own family was. They destroyed my mental health and things like getting an education and getting to know myself has been put on the back burner. I am almost 30 and I hardly know myself because I have had to spend most of my life being my own best friend. There was nobody there for me - until now.

It is an excruciating process cutting ties with biological family.

 

[Raj]

All I can say is I am sorry so many of you are going through this BS! I am too. It would be a wonderful world if we could be treated the with the love we crave and deserve. Peace to you all.

 

[Lushiro]

Cutting ties with any family members, is a big thing for sure. I've realized that I must do that in order to move on with my life. Sooner the better. I did it once before for 6 months then she called me and I agreed to get in touch again. (should never have done that). I'm not giving anymore chances. This, ends. Now. Take care everyone!

 

[Mamimi]

I'm getting better at doing this, though I wasn't in the past. It's kind of like you get stuck in the process of grieving, and then the cycle starts all over once you communicate again. The thing is, the further I got, the more fond my feelings were which prompted a conversation. (Kinda like how people say, the longer someone has been passed away, the more of a saint they were)

Sometimes they can even be really nice, just to reel you back in for another suckerpunch. Please be so, so careful of that. It's gotten me so many times. Sometimes they also seek your sympathy, that's my mother's MO. "I was so sick last night" The thing about narcissists/psychopaths is that they want your pity, because it makes you vulnerable.

Just remember... "Better to be alone than in bad company"

 

[Loving yourself]

As I read your stories, I sympathize because I left my abusers ( my aunt and uncle who adopted me) when I was 18 and moved across the country; but the emotional toll takes years to recover from - if not a lifetime of healing, self-love and acceptance .

The other part of it is that it's hard to trust others and also hard to open yourself up to love and being vulnerable.. And the fact that you may attract others who are also manipulative and emotionally or physically abusive since setting boundaries is something you have to learn.

It's hard to break ties, with family even if that family makes you feel sad, judged, not loved, and even if they are emotionally manipulative and abusive.. Because the alternative is being without a family BUT having said that I know with every cell in my body that I am happier, stronger, more successful, sane, confident, loving, and fulfilled than I could have a Ever been if I continued to have regular contact with those hypocritical, mean, self righteous, manipulative, gossiping, low life's.

. You can not choose the family you are born into but you can choose to live your life in a peaceful and healthy way, which sometimes means cutting ties with your family!

I choose to be independent, strong, and mentally healthy. I deserve happiness and love and so do each one of you !