Cynicism

[Upside Down Eagle]

I wrote about this topic earlier (November '13), and cynicism is still an issue for me. It's a lot like the episode of South Park where Stan is diagnosed with a condition called "Being A Cynical Asshole".

I often feel like I am Being A Cynical Asshole. I have periods in my life where I feel like an insufferable know-it all, because everything I see and everything that happens, I respond to with negative thinking. And I am very good at it. I use my smarts for the wrong cause.

On Friday, I went walking with two acquaintances from the city. We had a good time. But at the end I kind of felt hatred for them. Today, I was helping a friend of mine move. It was great, all very friendly people who were helping. And we were sitting together and conversing, and I liked them. But inside I also kind of hated them.

Something inside me just really wants to trash and hate everybody. And even though I don't express it, people can feel it. It irradiates off me, through my eyes and my stance. And I know it makes them insecure about me and about my intentions.

I was wondering if anyone else on here feels the same way, and how they did get rid of it, if they could.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Hm, I got a bit of that feel, but I usually associate it with my perfectionism complex, need to be at the top constantly :( Trying to work aganist it, but just getting rusty social skills because I don't quite leave the house... Social anxiety is crap... Anyway, I don't really know how to deal with the stuff, you can tell people that you have that as a problem so that they shouldn't take it by heart if you say some thing bad? Otherwise I don't quite know.

I feel that way, yes, but really, it's mixed up with other stuff. I feel bad and a kind of hate towards people who are happy often, seeing people happy... enjoying themselves... kids out in the street having a happy childhood, the envy eats me... Also my perfectionism problem kills me, seeing anyone better than me at something, even if they are 20 years older and have way more experience, it makes me feel bad, like a failure...

Well, hugs to you if you accept and understanding from me :hug:

 

[Justmehere]

I can get to a place somewhat like that. It is like I think everyone "is wrong, just wrong." Nothing is ok and I hate e v e r y t h i n g. It happens when my stress cup is full - it s a way to push away people, push away vulnerability. In a weird way. it's a twisted way I'm trying to be safe. I've spent two years trying to understand it. It's irritability combined with a flight or flight response.

For me, it gets better when I go do things to feel safe, feel resourced, feel rested. Tightening up my boundaries can help too, Looking at anything I hate about myself and offering a little self compassion can help me shift too.

I hope you find a way to move through it soon.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hmm. The weird thing is that I feel these two opposite things at the same. I'm like a cassette tape that way. Side A: I hate all these people. Side B: I really like these people.

I am a bit tired of the part of me that hates everything, but I still haven't found the button to stop it from playing. @otakujome I have thought about being that honest with these people. But it's very weird for me to be straightforward with people about stuff like that. You don't just go "Hey you guys, I really like you, but sometimes I have intense feelings of hatred when I'm around you...". xD

Because that's what it is. I am starting to truly appreciate people, but it clashes with my old defense mechanism and feelings of hatred.
Maybe I should work on relaxing. I have been kind of uptight, @Justmehere . You make a good point.

Edit: on second thought, I also got this when I returned from training for my new job the other day. The job was awesome and I kind of dig the people. But when I biked home, I felt like I hated all of them. Felt like giving them a reason to hate me back, so they'd kick me out.

 

[Javagoat]

I have been really trying to work on this stuff myself. I get really negative, irritable, and sarcastic. It is a lot worse when I get too stressed, have a lot of self-doubt/self-hatred, and/or my chronic pain is bad. It is a protective defense mechanism to hide my vulnerability and ward off attack. It was a survival behavior that I learned at a young age. I don't want be that way now. I don't want to hurt people and push them away.

 

[Anarchy]

have you always been aware of the two sorts of reactions, or is awareness of it something new as well?

The reason I'm asking, is that the viscious dislike sounds like the limbic brain's inner lizard, totally un aware of time, thinking that it is still in the danger that you grew up in, and it's wanting to bite people.

If our inner lizard gets triggered, it is very good at shutting down all of the rational, aware and mindful parts of the brain, so that its ultra fast, instinctive responses are not slowed by thoughts. If you are aware, it shows that the lizard doesn't have things all its own way these days.

I think I know what you mean about it feeling like people can see the venom inside. here's a silly question - aside from a lucky guess by someone trying to send you on a guilt trip - do you have any eveidence that people can see what you are feeling?

edit (chopped; on reflection, it could easily be taken in a way that wasn't intended.)

 

[Justmehere]

I also got this when I returned from training for my new job the other day. The job was awesome and I kind of dig the people. But when I biked home, I felt like I hated all of them. Felt like giving them a reason to hate me back, so they'd kick me out.

There is a purpose behind the hate, especially when it's people someone also likes. Hate is sometimes based in fear. Sometimes, not always.

Emotions may not always be based on fact, but they do serve a purpose. If you figure out what the purpose is of hating them, what the gain of being kicked out is, maybe that will help sort this out.

There are times where I feel intense ambivalence. It is to the point where my therapist and I now joke about it. I hate therapy and yet also love it. I dislike my job, and yet I also enjoy it. It comes up the most whenever it has to do about connection with people, attachment, even very light forms of attachment. There is one client I work for who I really enjoy and loathe being around - but only when I am away from them. I'm still trying to make sense of it myself... My therapist says it is related to my insecure attachment pattern. I'm not sure.

None of this may fit for you. Just some thoughts.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't advise telling people that you love them one minute and hate them the next. This sort of behavior is confusing for people, and nobody wants to be around someone who flips on a dime like that. You'd be putting them on permanent eggshells as they'd all be so afraid to say anything even remotely unkind or controversial as they would never know how you'd take it, even if it was just a joke. I think this is your issue to work through and not something to put on other people unless you want to risk losing those relationships.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

The reason I'm asking, is that the viscious dislike sounds like the limbic brain's inner lizard

"Vicious dislike", that's exactly what it is, thanks for giving it a good name. Yeah it could totally be that lizard. I think the lizard wants to protect me. It's saying "these people are gonna hurt you eventually. Get out while you can. Get out now". But how can I ever have a friendship with anybody if I have a heart full of dislike and disdain.

It's a rather new feeling I think. In recent years I have moved at least five times, and every single time I end up leaving people behind me who either hate me, were afraid of me, or are glad to be rid of me. Or a combination of all those. In every single house I have dealt with anger issues (that however weren't directed at these people). Every single time, I tried to communicate about it, and apologized multiple times, but met no understanding. So I expect people to hate me as soon as they get confronted with my issues.

As long as my PTSD doesn't show, everybody thinks I'm great (sounds arrogant maybe, but that's not what I mean. I can be very friendly and spontaneous, people like that about me). But when my PTSD shows, people seem to either get scared of me or hate me. So I think I hate them in advance, first for only liking me when I am not showing illness, and second because I think they might start disliking me at some point.

I think I know what you mean about it feeling like people can see the venom inside.

It's a feeling, and a really strong one. I can sense it, in the way people look at me some times, questioningly, like they are unsure about what signal I am sending to them. Also have hard evidence that people are often confused about me, want to be my friend, but then because of the contrary signals I send, they end up breaking off the communication.

 

[shimmerz]

It's saying "these people are gonna hurt you eventually. Get out while you can. Get out now".

I can relate to this since I came back from California. I have no patience for people and really just want to lash out (and sometimes do). It isn't normal me, and I am wondering if I am dealing with a whole new set of emotions now that is bringing this up. I don't like it and feel like it goes against my 'real' self.

But how can I ever have a friendship with anybody if I have a heart full of dislike and disdain.

Is it possible that it isn't your whole heart, but instead just a piece of it? If, as @Anarchy mentioned, and I think you concurred, it is your reptilian brain in action, then would that be considered a response to being triggered up?

If you bring that thought into consciousness, could you perhaps work on it by imagining that piece of your heart 'mending' or having a light shine around it? I know, sounds weird, but I use imagery a ton. It has helped me tons. Almost like invoking my own 'good' trigger over top of a bad one.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

If you bring that thought into consciousness, could you perhaps work on it by imagining that piece of your heart 'mending' or having a light shine around it? I know, sounds weird, but I use imagery a ton.

I have tried this before but it doesn't seem to work very well with me. I think I need to work more on mindfulness in order for it to work on me, because usually I'm not even mindful of my heart (or indulge in feelings of sympathy and actual love a lot). I'm more of an rational kind of type and tend to run away from mindfulness exercises because they scare me.

This month I've been an absolute star at running away from it instead of facing it... urgh :oops:

 

[shimmerz]

usually I'm not even mindful of my heart

Funny, this. People 'in the know' tell me to focus on my feet to ground. I am so not aware of my body I simply cannot do this. I get what you are saying. Perhaps you could focus on your liver (or pancreas)? (just kidding).

I'm more of an rational kind

Me too. I think a ton of us are pretty rational. I hear it is a coping mechanism, so this stuff takes a ton of effort to be able to attach to.