Hello All!
My name is Ashley. I am 25, from Kentucky, and will soon have a teaching degree! You should know that I am a very fun, bubbly, passionate person, but I have also fought hard with certain traumatic events. From being raped when I was 15 to marrying an abusive man. I am an emotional person at times, but I have sought help and I am seriously a very happy person.
I started seeing an Iraq Vet about 3 months ago. He is 34, did two tours in Iraq and has been out for several years now due to PTSD and TBI. He is currently building a house, in school full time to become a lab tech, he is already a certified phlebotomist and electrician. He has goals and works very hard to accomplish them. When we began actually seeing each other in March (we have talked off and on since November) I knew of his conditions, but never thought much about it. He never gave many signs. We were very affectionate and intimate and saw each other at least 3 times a week. We would text back and forth during the day. You know, typical "honeymoon phase." I met his kids and parents, and he met mine. I should mention my "kids" are actually my niece and nephew whom I have custody of.
My very first experience with his PTSD was a Monday afternoon. We were running some cable at his house when this dog randomly walks in the front door. Having never seen this dog (which happened to be like the friendly neighborhood pet) I freaked out and screamed. He LITERALLY jumped off the ladder and went into defense mode. I know my eyes probably got as big as quarters. He was breathing heavily and once he got a grip that all was okay he said, "NEVER DO THAT AGAIN, DID YOU FORGET ABOUT MY PTSD?" I felt awful. I saw, for the first time, how he suffers.
His PTSD did not show through for a few more weeks. We went fishing. Worked on his homework together. Did things couples do......But, now......the past few weeks things have begun to gradually change. He told me he had been having crazy thoughts of joining a civilian group to fight ISIS. His mother told me that the anniversary of one his fellow men's death is approaching also. Lately, he will not respond to certain messages. He would probably go all day without talking to me, had I not messaged him first. We had not been intimate for 3 weeks (until last night). I notice if my messages are lengthy or if they mention things like, "When can I see you again?" or "Do you feel the same way for me as I do for you?" I usually will not get a response. Anything deep, involving feelings or putting him on the spot is usually ignored. Being a typical, often insecure, woman I take it personally. I tend to think he has found someone new, or he does not want to be with me.
I hit up my mother for advice and she told me to research PTSD. So, I did. I read things that made me feel like a complete fool, for making this about ME, when all the while he is suffering inside. I told him I had been researching it, and he seemed relieved. He told me, "If you really love someone with PTSD it just takes some patience and trust." When I visited him last Friday, he looked me in the eyes and he specifically said, "I do not want you to think I am seeing other women, that is not what this is about."
He asked me on a date and we went out last night. We had a blast! We ate Mexican food, drank margaritas, went and goofed off at walmart, danced in the car, and came back to my place for the night. We were intimate for the first time in three weeks. Afterwards, we began to talk. I mean, he really opened up!
He read some stories to me. He told me things he probably does not share with many people. And, all the while I am trying so hard to hold back the tears. I know I am falling in love with this man and I am scared to tell him. He told me he has no adrenalin, no fear. Nothing excites him anymore. He told me he is not heartless, but he often feels emotionless. He said he cannot describe how he feels and it does no good for me to try to understand what is going on within him, because he does not even know. He told me that being over there he was somebody, and here, he is just another civilian. He feels like he has no purpose. Of course, I cannot understand that. Of course he has purpose, his kids, his family, his career, and maybe someday myself. He told me that he thinks of suicide. He told me that he wanted to die over there, because he wanted to die by fighting for his fellow men, his family, and his country. He told me he talks to many women because he likes the attention of feeling wanted, feeling like "somebody." Having been in that situation, I try not to let it break my heart too much, because I do understand that. (Part of my own personal demons.) I asked him if he wants a relationship, if he wants to get married again someday, etc. He said, yes! He said he really wants to be able to have a relationship and to have someone by his side. Being a woman, I am thinking..."someone?"....Why did he not say me?
Then he told me that he gets close and he starts pushing them away. I asked him if that is what he had been doing to me, and he said yes. It makes sense, the closer I want to him, the more distant he may become. Is he scared? Is he going to throw in the towel? I have no earthly idea!
As he left he looked down at me and said, "I do not want anyone else. But, do not expect me to ever talk about this again. The best thing you can do is just keep doing your research." I asked him if he thought we would ever actually be an official couple and he shut down, he could not answer. Why????
I guess what I am getting at here is this...... When do I know if I need to back off? How do I know it is his PTSD causing the distance? How do I support him without making him feel "less than"? There are times I want to just give him space and let him come to me when he is ready, but then I feel like if I am too distant then he may thing I am not interested anymore or that I do not support him. I do not know where the line is.... I have so many questions!!! If he is emotionless, how can he have feelings for me?
HELP!
My name is Ashley. I am 25, from Kentucky, and will soon have a teaching degree! You should know that I am a very fun, bubbly, passionate person, but I have also fought hard with certain traumatic events. From being raped when I was 15 to marrying an abusive man. I am an emotional person at times, but I have sought help and I am seriously a very happy person.
I started seeing an Iraq Vet about 3 months ago. He is 34, did two tours in Iraq and has been out for several years now due to PTSD and TBI. He is currently building a house, in school full time to become a lab tech, he is already a certified phlebotomist and electrician. He has goals and works very hard to accomplish them. When we began actually seeing each other in March (we have talked off and on since November) I knew of his conditions, but never thought much about it. He never gave many signs. We were very affectionate and intimate and saw each other at least 3 times a week. We would text back and forth during the day. You know, typical "honeymoon phase." I met his kids and parents, and he met mine. I should mention my "kids" are actually my niece and nephew whom I have custody of.
My very first experience with his PTSD was a Monday afternoon. We were running some cable at his house when this dog randomly walks in the front door. Having never seen this dog (which happened to be like the friendly neighborhood pet) I freaked out and screamed. He LITERALLY jumped off the ladder and went into defense mode. I know my eyes probably got as big as quarters. He was breathing heavily and once he got a grip that all was okay he said, "NEVER DO THAT AGAIN, DID YOU FORGET ABOUT MY PTSD?" I felt awful. I saw, for the first time, how he suffers.
His PTSD did not show through for a few more weeks. We went fishing. Worked on his homework together. Did things couples do......But, now......the past few weeks things have begun to gradually change. He told me he had been having crazy thoughts of joining a civilian group to fight ISIS. His mother told me that the anniversary of one his fellow men's death is approaching also. Lately, he will not respond to certain messages. He would probably go all day without talking to me, had I not messaged him first. We had not been intimate for 3 weeks (until last night). I notice if my messages are lengthy or if they mention things like, "When can I see you again?" or "Do you feel the same way for me as I do for you?" I usually will not get a response. Anything deep, involving feelings or putting him on the spot is usually ignored. Being a typical, often insecure, woman I take it personally. I tend to think he has found someone new, or he does not want to be with me.
I hit up my mother for advice and she told me to research PTSD. So, I did. I read things that made me feel like a complete fool, for making this about ME, when all the while he is suffering inside. I told him I had been researching it, and he seemed relieved. He told me, "If you really love someone with PTSD it just takes some patience and trust." When I visited him last Friday, he looked me in the eyes and he specifically said, "I do not want you to think I am seeing other women, that is not what this is about."
He asked me on a date and we went out last night. We had a blast! We ate Mexican food, drank margaritas, went and goofed off at walmart, danced in the car, and came back to my place for the night. We were intimate for the first time in three weeks. Afterwards, we began to talk. I mean, he really opened up!
He read some stories to me. He told me things he probably does not share with many people. And, all the while I am trying so hard to hold back the tears. I know I am falling in love with this man and I am scared to tell him. He told me he has no adrenalin, no fear. Nothing excites him anymore. He told me he is not heartless, but he often feels emotionless. He said he cannot describe how he feels and it does no good for me to try to understand what is going on within him, because he does not even know. He told me that being over there he was somebody, and here, he is just another civilian. He feels like he has no purpose. Of course, I cannot understand that. Of course he has purpose, his kids, his family, his career, and maybe someday myself. He told me that he thinks of suicide. He told me that he wanted to die over there, because he wanted to die by fighting for his fellow men, his family, and his country. He told me he talks to many women because he likes the attention of feeling wanted, feeling like "somebody." Having been in that situation, I try not to let it break my heart too much, because I do understand that. (Part of my own personal demons.) I asked him if he wants a relationship, if he wants to get married again someday, etc. He said, yes! He said he really wants to be able to have a relationship and to have someone by his side. Being a woman, I am thinking..."someone?"....Why did he not say me?
Then he told me that he gets close and he starts pushing them away. I asked him if that is what he had been doing to me, and he said yes. It makes sense, the closer I want to him, the more distant he may become. Is he scared? Is he going to throw in the towel? I have no earthly idea!
As he left he looked down at me and said, "I do not want anyone else. But, do not expect me to ever talk about this again. The best thing you can do is just keep doing your research." I asked him if he thought we would ever actually be an official couple and he shut down, he could not answer. Why????
I guess what I am getting at here is this...... When do I know if I need to back off? How do I know it is his PTSD causing the distance? How do I support him without making him feel "less than"? There are times I want to just give him space and let him come to me when he is ready, but then I feel like if I am too distant then he may thing I am not interested anymore or that I do not support him. I do not know where the line is.... I have so many questions!!! If he is emotionless, how can he have feelings for me?
HELP!
