Dating Someone With PTSD

[samsara]

From my experience, they can last 24 hours to about 5 days. Depends if they have a job to go to, commitments, pressures, addictions to narcotics or booze etc.

When we broke up the first time, there was a period where BB would not talk to me at all and we were sleeping in the same bed. -- but he was mad with me during that time and insisted I'd triggered something. Then it got so emotionally chaotic that the whole situation was burnt down.

We're only back together due to his decision to "get our shit together and choose life, and to not hide from himself so he could blame it on everyone else." It takes two for any relationship. You work together. One is not a puppet nor the other a puppeteer. Be careful you are not trying to save him, from something you can't possibly understand.

Be careful that you are not pitying him and want to help on compassionate grounds. Even though I need to be strong, BB is also very strong and it's important for him to feel that may, that he could survive with or without me is important for both of us.

I guess the big thing to understand is that you can't do, or say anything that will make them snap out of it. And if they want you around, they will make a sign.

 

[samsara]

Also, the feelings do subside, but in our case it took two years. We were not in contact for two years (save two one sentence emails). We were very passionately in love. We are more in love now.
Get on with your life, and if it is meant to happen, it will, but not until you are both ready .

 

[neverforget]

if they want you around, they will make a sign.

I broke up with my boyfriend because our relationship became a real mess and he was so confused, I thought the best thing was to give him relief and stop contacting him.

I feel he's conscious he's got a problem, but I don't feel like he wants to face it, he'd rather pretend he can live this way.

I love him, miss him so much and I feel like sending him email just to say I think of him and hope he's fine but I don't know if it's a good idea...

I hope one day he'll make a sign, that it'll come from him when he's ready.

 

[Langdon]

I agree, I finally arrived at the same conclusion that its time to move on and let what happens happen. Took a long time to get there. I suppose it took a while for my emotions to catch up with the reality of the situation.

If I have any anger, it is only toward the perpetrator of the assault which led to the PTSD in the first place. That person probably continues to blisfully live a self-centered, drug-hazed life, uninterested and unaware of how seriously he damaged someone. He has no clue I even exist, but his actions ended up inflicting a lot of pain on me too.

I know my decision may not be right for everyone, but I'm at peace with things now.

 

[JustJane]

Langdon, be real careful about thinking someone is hurting himself when you really don't know what's going on. When I lived in the south, I was plagued by all manner of biting insects. I have zero tolerance for anything that itches and would scratch an itch until I broke the skin and the itch was replaced by hurt. I couldn't stop scratching the itch long enough to get an ointment out of my purse or get to a first aid kit. There were times that I had so many of these "scratched areas" that it looked as though I had been in a car wreck. It didn't help that I bruise easily either and that only compounded the problem.

I wasn't in treatment for any kind of emotional or mental disorder at the time and was really offended when people asked about my scratches, lacerations and/or bruises and when I told them what caused it, well, I guess you have to be plagued by itches to understand. Few did. Even supervisors and managers where I worked insinuated that I was being battered or would openly tell others, "she says it's a mosquito bite..."

People can really be cruel when they don't understand what they see and then disbelieve the explanation. If your friend says he must have scratched himself, give him the benefit of the doubt. It might actually be that he hadn't noticed them.

 

[samsara]

I feel like sending him email just to say I think of him and hope he's fine but I don't know if it's a good idea...

Do it! If you feel like you should, then send him an email. Then send another if you feel the urge ( and there has been no contact) again after a couple of months.
Just keep it brief and too the point, don't deliver questions, just let him know you are thinking about him, love him and miss him. That will be enough and won't confuse him too much.

 

[2quilt]

I am the same way with mosquitoes, JJ. Mosquitos will come to get me from other counties, and my husband can stand right next to me and never get one single bite. i hate him.

 

[JustJane]

I love to be outdoors - but if you're a mosquito, I'm armed and dangerous.

 

[Langdon]

I understand and appreciate the alternate theories on scratching, but we were in New England in the dead of Winter. Not even the hardiest of bugs can survive our winters! I didn't make a big deal out of it, other than noticing to myself that they were very odd. Not trying to be over-dramatic, but I feel the scratching adds another piece to his PTSD puzzle.

 

[shadowmedic]

langdon-
first and foremost, welcome to the forum. i want to comment on the concept of going to work and dealing with ptsd. in some cases, i think it depends on whether or not work or their job is considered a place of safety. i am a combat medic in the army and for me, my job is in a sense a place of security and sheer terror wrapped into one. it is a place of security or safety in the sense that everyone that i work with wears the same uniform i do and there is a form of trust in that. it is terrifying in the sense that when you deploy, medics often work on people alone when their on the line. and there is this "unsaid law" that states that everyone in your unit is expecting you, (as the medic), to save a person's life regardless of the situation that soldier might be in. its an enormous amount of pressure, especially when the adrenaline is flowing. i hoped this helped. respectfully, SM

 

[Langdon]

Hello Friends,

I didn't think I'd be posting again but an amazing thing happened in that I heard from my friend after 3 months of silence! I figured everything was over because that is such a long time with no contact, but I took a chance on Friday and texted a simple birthday greeting. Today I received an email out of the blue apologizing for everything. He went through a real bad time with deep depression and reoccuring PTSD. And just as I learned from several of you here he said he pushed me away because he didn't want to hurt me.

So - I want to respond, but now I'm almost afraid to. I want him to know how glad I am to hear from him, but not knowing what stage of recovery from this last episode, I don't know how much to say at this point.

Any suggestions?

 

[anthony]

Hi Langdon,

Your partner will be up and down more yet, though all I could suggest is be direct, but do not push them into a corner to make decisions in the frame of mind they likely are. Be open, be honest, be direct, but just leave the ball in their court for the time being. Don't allow yourself to be a doormat though either... be careful of that from a sufferer with uncontrolled PTSD.