Relationship Daughter Is A Victim Of Sexual Abuse

[tlh]

My daughter was sexually abused as a 12 year old and raped as a college sophomore. She has been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and anxiety. She sought therapy last year and attended for 2 months and then left therapy. Currently, she is 21 years old and abusing alcohol. She regularly puts herself and others in harm. I have been in bars at 2am looking for her when she called for help only to find she left the bar before I arrived. I have set up an Uber account for her, with my credit card, to make sure she stopped driving under the influence. I realize this is somewhat enabling on my part, but I was afraid she would kill herself or someone else. I didn't know what else to do.

She is often verbally abusive. I receive most of the abuse, but she invites others into her hatred at will. She is tough to be around. She has started to verbally attack my boyfriend. She does not like him, and although she is entitled to her opinion, she acts much more like a child than an adult. Recently, at a family dinner her verbal assaults where launched at her grandparents - two people that have always been by her side.

She has inappropriate sexual relationships including; one night stands, multiple partners, and unprotected sex. This is not a judgment on sexual activity, however, for my daughter it seems to be repeated self abuse and lack of self respect. She was treated for Chlamydia twice - neither episode curbed her behavior. I worry about STD's.

In the past she cut herself. To my knowledge she no longer does; I have asked her. I feel the alcohol and sex have replaced her propensity to cut.

She is a full time college student - commuter at the moment - with a 4.0 GPA. She asked her professors for extra credit "just in case."

I know she suffers, and my heart breaks for her. She refuses therapy at this time and does not take any medications. I have offered to go with her as either moral support or in co-therapy to get to the bottom of the verbal attacks.

I am hosting my family's Christmas Eve party and I am so worried about her behavior. She demands all rights of adulthood, yet she can not operate as an adult. I have talked with her. I have communicated my fears and my feelings. She controls her behavior for a couple days and then reverts back to her established patterns.

A long post, and I apologize for that, but I don't know what to do. I know there are others on this site that have lived through this. Even more that are living it today. What advice or solace do you have for me?

I appreciate any time and energy spent reading and responding to my post.

 

[Poofycat]

That sounds like me at 21, right down to the abuse! Although I don't think I verbally abused anyone. But definitely the drinking, promiscuity, putting myself in harmful situation, etc. I also did well in school except for the semester I pretty much failed due to mental breakdown. Anyway, I'm mostly doing really well today. Good job, great husband, etc. So there's hope!

It might be helpful to remember that you can't control her behavior, you can only control your own. It sounds like you need to make it really clear what your expectations are when she is around you then hold those boundaries. For example, if she becomes verbally abusive towards you or others in your presence then she needs to leave. If she gets too drunk at a party you throw then she either goes to lay down or leaves. Basically, she acts like an adult in your presence. Full stop. Because she is an adult. It's better she learn it from you where the consequences are less severe than somewhere else where she might end up arrested.

Good luck! Don't give up on her! You sound like a really great parent!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Sounds like you are discribing me though I am not and have never been a college student (though would love to be), I am 35, and currently sober of hard drugs. Cocaine was my drug of choice. Coke or crack. Though I had a VERY bad huffing duster habit of about 16 cans a day for the last few yrs of my drug abuse. Currently clean 2 yrs. I have been in therapy 8 yrs and am still currently going once a week.

Though I was forced into therapy by my dad, whom had taken me in after an accident that left me physically unable to work for the next 2 yrs. He said go to therapy or move out. I had no one else I could go to so I caved. But I had a keen fear and general major dislike for therapy and therapists. Luckily I got an amazing one but fear of even admitting to the past let alone talking to someone about it in consistent weekly appointments could be why she is refusing. I knew I needed to help but had no intention of talking about it with anyone and didn't tell my therapist of my past for an entire year.

The remainder of that sounds just like me. So please understand this is coming from a sufferer on what helps me in my view during explosions. They seem to be rage explosions to outsiders but are more anxiety explosions as it happens when my anxiety peaks from 0 (or some very low number) to 1000 in a split sec. Boom, like a fire cracker, over the smallest thing, but it has nothing to do with that smallest thing but others on the outside have no clue that is't not about the smallest thing. So if you put the toliet paper roll on the wrong way and my anxiety happened to spike at the moment (or all the stuffed junk happens to come out on its own at that moment) then I am exploding over the toielt paper being backwards.

They are also blind. Once there I go black so though I am screaming, I don't know what I am saying or doing until its over. I have NEVER been violent though my step mom (dad & step mom currently live with me) wrote in her diary, that I wasn't supposed to read, that I was emotionally and verbally abusive. But know that I have zero control over it once there. So i can't stop it once there. But have been taught to feel my anxiety spike which gives me a sec to try to leave the situation before I explode. That has been after years of therapy though, taught to me by my therapist.

I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder along with PTSD and Generalized Anxiety disorder and BPD plays a huge role in this as my emotions are very unregulated, felt at their highest possible intensity or extreme and cause distress intoletance so I believe BPD is the main reason for my blind "rage" explosions and not PTSD. Though PTSD is an anxiety disorder therefore if she was diagnosed with anxiety (mine is GAD) on top of PTSD then I can see that but just also keep in mind I have that extra disorder.

The best advice that I can give anyone that asks "how do I deal with your explosions" is to disenage completely. Advise that you will continue this conversation when she is calmer and walk away, or if you can't walk away then just stop talking. Do NOT fight with her, or try to rationalize her as when I am at the point I cannot rationalize and everything is irrational. Nor can I think clearly at all. So wait it out. She will eventually calm down (and maybe yell talk to herself as I do) but I always eventually calm down and can at that point think clearer and be rational.

I am still VERY promiscuous and also am very danagerous with my super hyper sexual behavior, playing out my past. There is no "stop doing this" that would ever work and my therapist has never asked me to stop but rather asked me what led up to it. Happenings, emotions, thinking of the past, flashbacks, etc. It is very extreme as I grew up in a cult that did very dangerous things surrounding sex. I honestly do not think that you should even mention any of that to her as all she will say back is that she is an adult and its none of your business. Or I would anyway.

I think, instead, that you should still seek counseling for yourself as that can help you learn how to deal with individual specific situations and also help you with your own emotions and fears and damage it might be doing to you. Whether she goes to therapy or not I believe you still should.

And then I would mention therapy to her but I can't think of a way that would be better then what you have already done. And I only went as I had no other choice. My dad had all the leverage.

As for the Christmas party, don't not invite her but I would try to advise all other guests but her that if she yells or is rude or behaves in any way not kind, to stop talking and disengage right away. If all are consistent with that and NONE EVER fights with her in that state, she will see that in order to converse, she needs to behave appropratly. Don't make her feel bad for it as personaly I can't help it. I have no control over it at the moment. But if you just very calmly but nicely and kindly state "we will pick back up this conversation after you have had a chance to calm down some". You can even throw in "i love you" or something but don't talk down about her "behaving like a child" or "out of control" or even "please calm down" because I cant. And after someone says something like that I will go and cut or burn myself as a "punishment" for acting that way. If it isn't pointed out to me and I am just advised that the individual will come back and talk to me after I have had a chance to calm down, thats ok. And a big one in my life that is also a big no no is saying that I have a rude tone of voice or anything about my tone. That esclated me last night.

Anyway, sorry i couldn't be more help to you. I hope this has helped some.

ETA: If she does go back on medication I have found Seriquel XR (extended release) helped much better then Xanax for anxiety. Also given to me due to BPD and it does lower the intensity of all emotions but it helps the anxiety way better. For me anyway.

 

[Keming]

You are compassionate, intelligent and brave. My heart goes out to you.

Sufferer, here. Your daughter's anger is familiar. Your communication of feelings and fears is absolutely right. You, as a parent and adult, have the right to express your concerns and boundaries. If your daughter is able to control her behaviors after communication, even for just a few days, it means
a) your communication is working, at least a little bit
b) she's trying. Maybe not optimally, but there's effort.

If she can handle a little positive reinforcement, offer some overt, but mild appreciation for a specific positive behavior. What works for me (as in, forty minutes ago) is things like "thanks for putting the kettle on" or "thanks for watching tv with me, i really enjoyed this." Perhaps be careful of "praise," as sometimes it feels shallow, or even spiteful. Perhaps be careful of praising a "lack of negative behavior," as it still puts brain-processing at work to think about negative behaviour and may backfire.

When I was "out of control," I wanted very simple things. I wanted to feel "good." I wanted people to stop lying to me about what they want, or wanted from me. If someone wanted sex, and I gave sex, then a) I knew what they wanted, b) I provided that service, c) I was briefly sexually satisfied. Getting to "know me" would be met with scorn, because if they just want sex, stop pretending to want anything else. It felt good to live in a world of absolutes, but it wasn't healthy. A friend helped me out. (Oddly, what helped most was my friend pointing out that a hooker charges $100 for a lay, while I only charged the price of a beer. And that made me think about the concrete value of me. I still engaged in frequent sex, but I had that dollar value in my head, and realized I shouldn't sell myself for less than the going rate... and since I had a degree, my rate should be considerably more. Doing the math made me think about myself, constructively. Also, my friend knew I didn't actually think of myself as a sex worker, and wouldn't want to be one.)

Is there such a thing as classes / skill-building sessions for supporters? Gotta be somewhere (one hopes).

 

[Justmehere]

Have you considered meeting with a counselor or going to al-anon? They could both help equip you on how to show love, set boundaries, and be a supporter without enabling.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

(Oddly, what helped most was my friend pointing out that a hooker charges $100 for a lay, while I only charged the price of a beer. And that made me think about the concrete value of me. I still engaged in frequent sex, but I had that dollar value in my head, and realized I shouldn't sell myself for less than the going rate... and since I had a degree, my rate should be considerably more. Doing the math made me think about myself, constructively. Also, my friend knew I didn't actually think of myself as a sex worker, and wouldn't want to be one.)

Hmmm, intresting. If someone said that to me I'd say "yeah, you're right" and then start charging again. But I was a prosititute. A child prositute but still one. But that's me.

I would be careful with comments like that as the vaule of me is less then a beer, it's pain and punishment, and death. Again, just me and my trauma and my issues. I just don't know if an off comment like that would do in several different brains.

I know you weren't telling her to say that. It just got me thinking about what I'd do.

If she can handle a little positive reinforcement, offer some overt, but mild appreciation for a specific positive behavior. What works for me (as in, forty minutes ago) is things like "thanks for putting the kettle on" or "thanks for watching tv with me, i really enjoyed this." Perhaps be careful of "praise," as sometimes it feels shallow, or even spiteful. Perhaps be careful of praising a "lack of negative behavior," as it still puts brain-processing at work to think about negative behaviour and may backfire.

I agree! I like little thanks like that and also someone saying they enjoyed time with me really helps the self esteem and the "everyone hates me" self talk. Positive renforement of lack of negitive behavior like "thanks for being calm" or something like that, "thanks for being rational", I can see that trigger an explosion.

Your communication of feelings and fears is absolutely right.

True, if rational and at the moment of explosion that isn't the case for me so I would pick a time that she is calm to explress how the explosion made you feel. During would just escalate me.

 

[tlh]

Thank you for all your incredible and insightful responses. I am in therapy and working on a plan to set my boundaries - and stick to them. I have recently thought AL-anon - it's time I do more than think on this one and attend a meeting.

I wish all of you much success in your recovery and care for self and others.

Again, thank you for your kindness.

Be well!

 

[Justmehere]

Super glad you are doing so much to reach out for help and guidance.

If/when you start keeping new boundaries, expect things to get worse for a bit. It doesn't necessarily mean you are doing something wrong, it may mean you are making the right change and the old behavior won't work as well for her, and hopefully she will try something new -- and reach out for therapy too.

 

[tlh]

There is so much at stake - her life, health, and happiness - I just don't want to make it worse. Then again, I feel the pangs of guilt at my lack of action and enabling behavior. So very hard.

 

[tlh]

Hmmm, intresting. If someone said that to me I'd say "yeah, you're right" and then start cha...

I am going to try more positive reinforcement. Thanks for the advice! During her outbursts she is usually drunk, so I can only address them later. She gets fall down, sloppy drunk.

 

[tlh]

Sounds like you are discribing me though I am not and have never been a college student (thou...

Lost - I am sorry for the pain you have felt. Thank you for your input and thoughts as they are helpful. Please be well and know you deserve to be a found and remembered soul.

 

[joeylittle]

Is there such a thing as classes / skill-building sessions for supporters? Gotta be somewhere (one hopes).

In the US, the non-profit organization NAMI (national alliance on mental illness) has local chapters, and many of them offer groups for supporters of various mental illnesses. It can be a good place to start looking.

I'm not sure if Canada has an equivalent.