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Daughter told me she cuts.

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My 13 year old daughter told me on the way to her teen mission trip that she cuts. She promised her youth leader that she would tell me. She was surprised when I didn't yell at her and said, "I get it." "Do you know the underlying source of your urges? Do you know why you do it?" She says because she hates her self and deserves to feel pain. But she has decided to stop. She kept asking me if I was crying, I said "no." I think she wanted or expected more of a reaction from me. She showed me her arm. It was just a light swirl, I don't even think she ever broke the skin. She has a really nice knife from Girl Scouts that I may hold onto. I told her that she needs an accountability friend. She chose one, and I said also an adult. She chose her youth leader.

What else can I do? I can't gage if this is even serious. I used to feel depressed when I was her age, maybe it is hormones? She has ADHD and Has had depressive tendencies from that. She starts high school this year. I am a mess of a parent. Going to start emdr soon. I tend to isolate when in therapy. This whole conversation triggered me into rubbing my arm raw where I already had a slight rash. And in all honesty, if she needs therapy we are screwed. I would have to give mine up to afford hers. And without my therapy I don't know how I can be any good to anyone or maintain employment.
 
Does your husband's employer have an employee assistance program? Sometimes these programs also cove...
No. We have mental health coverage but the copay is $60. She doesn't know I am in therapy, so then that would have to come up too.
 
Companies, depending on the size, many times will offer an employee assistance program that is separate from health insurance. They usually offer a limited number of visits (for me it is six) at no charge. They do this because mental health issues for both the employee and their family can adversely affect work performance.
 
She kept asking me if I was crying, I said "no." I think she wanted or expected more of a reaction from me.
What else can I do? I can't gage if this is even serious. I used to feel depressed when I was her age, maybe it is hormones? She has ADHD and Has had depressive tendencies from that. She starts high school this year.
I think you did great with her. Some thoughts on how to move forward:

She's got a big stressful thing happening this fall - High School. And you're right, also, hormones. The red flag is that you think she may have been expecting more of a reaction from you. It's good that you did not give her that, but you might need to reinforce the potential seriousness of the problem by going ahead and getting her into therapy for a bit, if you can swing it $ wise and get a good recommendation on someone who works with teen girls. I wouldn't just go with anyone, you want to try and cut through to an option you can trust. Having this person in her life now might help bridge the stress going into HS, and will help you communicate about this stuff with her, too. I think it can be a relief, knowing you're .not the only person trying to support a teenager.

If you want to open up more of a conversation, it would probably be about fears. If this is the first time this has ever happened, it's likely that she is feeling invisible and afraid (not uncommon for kids heading into HS), and does not know how to initiate that conversation. So, she does something to make herself visible (in this case, explore self harm), then hopes that the conversation will somehow get where it needs to go.
 
I think you did great with her. Some thoughts on how to move forward:

She's got a big stressful th...
I am guessing her friend group also plays a part in this. Her best friend (male) is suicidal/depressed in therapy and moved in with his grandparents. She says the majority of her friend group moved this summer. Once August starts she will be in the marching band. Her older sister is the section leader (they both play French Horn). They have been hot and cold this summer, but mostly get along. She doesn't want my husband or her sister to know about the cutting, so that also complicates this. And I don't want to explain self harm to my husband because I hide it from him. It would be nice if this could all just stop. We go back to mom not being mentally ill and kids being in elementary school. I actually am starting to feel guilty and selfish for feeling the need to deal with my past. I want this to all go away, any acces to magic wands on this site?
 
I am sadden to here this TC. I am happy that she did come and tell you. That must have been a big hard step for her. I think that you reacted very good you didn't panic. Now you do need to figure out how to move forward and maintain that openness to talk. I don't have much to say as i don't have any kids myself. I do know open communication is the best. I wished I had had that at that age. If I could have gone home and told what was happening to me maybe things would be different today.
 
I think you are so full of courage in coming here to post about the situation with your young daughter. Your honesty will serve you very well I think as you apply this one to your daughters need of you. I hope you soon find a good solution to finding therapy for your daughter. Best to you and to your daughter.
 
Cutting, by itself, to me is a cause for concern, but not a cause for panic. She's at a really difficult age, and it actually speaks magnitudes that she was able to tell you this at all.

I'm not a huge fan of instantly turning to therapy with kids. The behaviour is unhealthy, but by no means abnormal, and staying calm about it, reassuring her that this is something that it's totally ok for her to talk to you about? To me is the best starting point. Therapy, to me, would send the message "This is WAAAAY abnormal and we need to freak out and you need someone else to talk to...". This? Actually makes her a pretty normal kid in the year 2017.

She has people to talk to, and she used those supports appropriately, and they gave her good advice. So to me? Awesome job, people!

So yes, be concerned, but not alarmed. Open up the conversation at intervals if you feel you can, reassure her that she's loved, that you're not gonna flip on her, but you are going to help her stay safe. Which is exactly what you've done.
 
and it actually speaks magnitudes that she was able to tell you this at all.

I agree!! I never could've gone to my mom about something like this (or about anything for that matter). Well done!! I encourage you to also focus to the positive aspect of what happened with your daughter. I understand this is easy for me to say as I don't have children, so I hope you take it as my way of trying to support you. (((((TexCat))))
 
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I understand this is easy for me to say as I don't have children,
This! Me too! And I should probably have prefaced my post with that!

But I've certainly been that age, and I have a T who is all about Healthy Parent mode. She would always start with validating the emotions going on here, and she would probably nut up to having conversations with her child about the negative self image, where it comes from, and trying to reassure her child that she's perfect and loveable and even the most popular kids are secretly having these exact same issues.

Healthy parent mode? Sounds reeeeally hard!
 
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