Daughter told me she cuts (part 2)

[Butterflies2023]

Didn't read all the threads but what I can offer something. Self Harming (SH) may not stop until she feels ready. Whether it's peer pressure or painful experiences. The more opportunity she has to connect with a trusted soul the less likely she will SH - it will stop. What you might ask of her is to use same cut mark or different area where it won't be exposed - there will come a time she will regret it all. Like band camp or any other friend/social activity and then when she has a career. Try to explain those marks to a boyfriend. Potential husband. Children. Suggest getting therapist (T) involved - maybe same T you see. At least someone she connects with. And if you can set aside an activity with her - just something enjoyable for that hour and then dinner - give her frequent opportunities to say the same thing over and over again -(be a patient listener and just listen) the more she talks and shares - over and over again - even if it's same story - the less she will want to cut. Again be patient and just listen. You don't have to have any words to say back to her - just listen. Maybe you can comment like "I hear you" ...."hmmm" ...."so I hear you are saying...." you don't necesssrily have to understand but you can give her a listening ear. And quite honestly you are the sounding board. Sharing troubles over and over and over no matter how tedious it becomes. Perhaps more trying at the beginning but it does become less frequent with time. Could take 3-4 years to reach a solid ground - safe ground.

 

[KerriJ]

As a former self harmer myself, who self-harm started around your daughter's age, I really reccomend therapy.
The most important thing you can do has a mother is understand that your daughter is not doing this to hurt, upset or frusterate you. She most likely just doesn't know how to cope with her feelings yet, and that's where therapy would come in handy. Teenagers are very reliant on friends and since her friends do it, she thought it would work for her.

One of the best books on self-harm is Cutting by Steven Levenkron. It might be beneficial for you to read. Even your daughter too. Reading that book helped me learn why I self-harmed and how to help stop. It is an addictive behavior, and one that only the person who is self-harming can learn to stop.

Offer her other coping skills: writing in red pen worked for me, glitter bottles worked for some of my friends, The Butterfly Project (drawing butterflies instead of cutting) worked too. I know this sounds like enabling but offering her scar cream and/or bandaids to cover her cuts would let her know that you care and want her to be healthy. If my mother had helped me with my scars/cuts, I may have stopped much sooner.

The fact that she told you shows she wants to stop but doesn't have a clue how. A therapist (have her see one who specializes in treating adolescents) would be able to teach her new ways to cope. Tell her that you are here to talk if her emotions or urges are getting bad - if you are unable to do that due your own trauma (which is perfectly okay, we need to take care of ourselves before helping others) give her numbers and people she can talk to.

My heart goes out to you and your daughter in this tough time <3