All you can do is talk regularly to her about it & how she is feeling. Well done for not reacting. I wouldn't take her knife away as she may then move on to razor blades etc. If she wants something to use, she will find it regardless of you. I think it's a great idea for her to have a support buddy. You will not have to pay for counselling for her if you have a word with your GP, as they will refer her. You have responded to her in a very supportive way. Good luck.
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All you can do is talk regularly to her about it & how she is feeling. Well done for not reacting. I wouldn't take her knife away as she may then move on to razor blades etc. If she wants something to use, she will find it regardless of you. I think it's a great idea for her to have a support buddy. You will not have to pay for counselling for her if you have a word with your GP, as they will refer her. You have responded to her in a very supportive way. Good luck.
Ok, so I haven't yet read all of the comments so I apologize if this is redundant. So, I teach Middle School and let me tell you 7th and 8th grade are literally the toughest ages. This is the age of the most changes, the most insecurity, the most hormones ect. Kids today are under a social pressure that we were never under. Due to the internet and social media teens are under a near constant flow of info and social exchanges that they almost never get away from. Teens at this age especially possess insecurity and need validation especially, but they simply do not get it from their peers and unfortunately often from teachers.
Shows like 13 Reasons Why, while great, because it sheds light on important issues, can create ideas like self harm and drinking at school to be glamorous and trendy. I have an advisory and I hear from my girls about the trendiness of self harm especially at age 13. There is immense pressure and anxiety right now among girls, women and minorities and we see this in school. There a MAJOR increases in bullying and it PEAKS in Middle School.
So, while self harm is serious and cause for concern, it also is normal and even trendy. I often tell parents that ms kids are in such a state of change that they will try various behaviors on like trying on clothes. These behaviors do not define who they are. Middle school students on the whole struggle with emotional regulation and cutting is a behavior that is talked about and attempted frequently.
Her "tribe" (peer group) has MAJOR influence over her behaviors. It is good she is joining band for a new social group and band will help her identity and self esteem.
I like the book "Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the 7 Transitions." She talks about the tribe and what to do when your daughter deals with tough things (like drugs, sex, alcohol, social pressure).
She does talk about cutting and does suggest therapy.
I get the guilt and stress over this. I have had to be in intense therapy for years but this makes me a better mom.
I would suggest a teen group or a teen DBT group with sliding scale or getting a teen DBT work book you could do together. I would also suggest telling her your story. She is old enough to not only understand, but would be benefitted by it. You would be showing her you are not perfect and that you are in therapy working on yourself. She would know that if you seem distant it is about you, not about her. You can be an anxious mom, but you are managing it. Her behavior is not your fault. However, the key is validation to easing self harm and that is what you have already done.
Shows like 13 Reasons Why, while great, because it sheds light on important issues, can create ideas like self harm and drinking at school to be glamorous and trendy. I have an advisory and I hear from my girls about the trendiness of self harm especially at age 13. There is immense pressure and anxiety right now among girls, women and minorities and we see this in school. There a MAJOR increases in bullying and it PEAKS in Middle School.
So, while self harm is serious and cause for concern, it also is normal and even trendy. I often tell parents that ms kids are in such a state of change that they will try various behaviors on like trying on clothes. These behaviors do not define who they are. Middle school students on the whole struggle with emotional regulation and cutting is a behavior that is talked about and attempted frequently.
Her "tribe" (peer group) has MAJOR influence over her behaviors. It is good she is joining band for a new social group and band will help her identity and self esteem.
I like the book "Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the 7 Transitions." She talks about the tribe and what to do when your daughter deals with tough things (like drugs, sex, alcohol, social pressure).
She does talk about cutting and does suggest therapy.
I get the guilt and stress over this. I have had to be in intense therapy for years but this makes me a better mom.
I would suggest a teen group or a teen DBT group with sliding scale or getting a teen DBT work book you could do together. I would also suggest telling her your story. She is old enough to not only understand, but would be benefitted by it. You would be showing her you are not perfect and that you are in therapy working on yourself. She would know that if you seem distant it is about you, not about her. You can be an anxious mom, but you are managing it. Her behavior is not your fault. However, the key is validation to easing self harm and that is what you have already done.
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Deleted member 37474
Everything you just wrote is true about middle school! I teach private students from the age of 11 til they graduate. I think this is partly why I didn't freak out when she told me. I have seen a lot! I am not ready to tell my daughters about my rape or my self harm for that matter. I have thought of telling them that I am in therapy for anxiety. Not sure. May ask my new T what she thinks. Ptsd/rape.... off the table.
EveHarrington
VIP Member
You are giving advice based on the UK that will not apply to the OP who is in the USA. Here, a referral is nothing more than an insurance tool. It doesnt mean treatment is free. Some insurances don't require a referral which is awesome as its one less appointment to attend before you get help.
With respect, you don't know what the OPs story is to know whether her child would benefit from knowing - children that age are learning to process quite difficult emotions and to understand complex issues and relationships.
For example, if the OP was raped and self harmed as a result, I'd struggle to see how it would be a good thing for her emotionally vulnerable daughter to know at this time. Besides, that neatly moves the discussion away from the daughter and her needs to her possibly feeling like she needs to take care of her mum, driving her own self harm under cover.
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WishfulThinking123
Gold Member
I tend to agree with @Suzetig, I wouldn't suggest lying if asked directly of course. There is a reason why self harm has become "popular". Kids think due to media, books, and also hearing what their friends say I feel sad/depressed so the correct response is to self harm. Kid are very vulnerable and she may very well think well mom has self harmed and nothing bad happened to her so, nothing bad will probably happen to me... Whenever I would ask my mom a question directly about did you ever do drugs, etc.. her response would usually be "it doesn't matter what I did or didn't do", and then she would point the discussion back to her current belief system and what she thinks is right/wrong for my life.. I now understand why she did that...
Suzetig, that is a good point about not putting OP's daughter into a place where she would need to take care of her mom and hide her own suffering. I would quote it, but can't figure out how.
I think the point I was trying to get at is just that children can know if a parent is struggling with something. Maybe not going into detail, maybe keeping it simple, maybe just talking about anxiety. This was good in my situation. I have cptsd and am recovering from severe protracted withdrawal syndrom after experience post partum depression. I have had a very hard time. My children trigger me. I have snapped at them and I have had panic attacks in front of them. I have had to be gone for whole evenings curled up in the fetal position due to benzo withdrawal. I have been in intense therapy and a main focus has been how to be a good mom. A big part of my strategy has been to actually tell them my story. They are now 4 and 7. I have kept it simple, not mentioning child hood abuse, but stating that I have anxiety and what that means and the proactive ways I am managing it and that I have doctors and support and I am doing better each day. They know I have bad days. All if this was worked out in therapy and approved of.
I am a middle school teacher and I have a small group of girls in an advisory. I am specificly and carefully open about some of my struggles for their benefit. I started a discussion one day in advisory about how I sometimes have insomnia since having a baby. I asked them if they have had the same thing. This makes me approachable, models I am not perfect and conveys healthy management. I hardly do this though, mostly I listen to them and it is about them. This is very diff than unloading onto them. Something I never do. I have a student who is 13 and she struggles with anxiety so does her mother. Her mother's struggles are out in the open and they manage anxiety together as a family. This has worked in all these situations, but may not be the best approach for OP. I think I just conveyed my original thoughts on this not clear and should have said what I have done.
I think the point I was trying to get at is just that children can know if a parent is struggling with something. Maybe not going into detail, maybe keeping it simple, maybe just talking about anxiety. This was good in my situation. I have cptsd and am recovering from severe protracted withdrawal syndrom after experience post partum depression. I have had a very hard time. My children trigger me. I have snapped at them and I have had panic attacks in front of them. I have had to be gone for whole evenings curled up in the fetal position due to benzo withdrawal. I have been in intense therapy and a main focus has been how to be a good mom. A big part of my strategy has been to actually tell them my story. They are now 4 and 7. I have kept it simple, not mentioning child hood abuse, but stating that I have anxiety and what that means and the proactive ways I am managing it and that I have doctors and support and I am doing better each day. They know I have bad days. All if this was worked out in therapy and approved of.
I am a middle school teacher and I have a small group of girls in an advisory. I am specificly and carefully open about some of my struggles for their benefit. I started a discussion one day in advisory about how I sometimes have insomnia since having a baby. I asked them if they have had the same thing. This makes me approachable, models I am not perfect and conveys healthy management. I hardly do this though, mostly I listen to them and it is about them. This is very diff than unloading onto them. Something I never do. I have a student who is 13 and she struggles with anxiety so does her mother. Her mother's struggles are out in the open and they manage anxiety together as a family. This has worked in all these situations, but may not be the best approach for OP. I think I just conveyed my original thoughts on this not clear and should have said what I have done.
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- #32
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Deleted member 37474
I have been able to apply my experience of anxiety to my teaching job as well. I have a couple of student's with extreme anxiety... which of course carries into performance anxiety (which many musicians suffer from, even the professional world!).
So when I told my daughter, "I get it," I was able to tell her that I have had students that go through this. Again, I wish to stay out of the equation. I think that students that have a mom with a "mental condition" are pitied by other moms. And no teen age child (especially my youngest) would keep info about me 100% private from her peers. I know this because private students tell me all kinds of things about their parents/friends. When my oldest was 4, her pre-school teacher told me, "be careful, she's a talker." Then said something embarrassing she said about home. Laughable... but still.
And also... in a heart to heart? How would I tell them anyways? Can barely speak about it to T.
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Deleted member 34328
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