Daughter's Depression Triggers Me

[AnnaLost]

My daughter has fought depression for years. I didn't understand what it was until a few years ago, because I'd never even heard the clinical definition of depression until then. She used to cut herself, numb with pills, has been borderline for years. I had no idea what to do. The teachings that I grew up with didn't help her and I've rejected them completely since I left.

Now that I do understand I can recognize how long it went on, untreated. I failed to help her when she was younger and maybe if I'd known she wouldn't be struggling so hard now.

We have a good relationship despite everything and thankfully she doesn't blame me. But when she's here and her life has blown up, again, I get triggered.

I carry my own guilt of failing to help her, but I'm struggling to take care of even the most basic functions of my own life. I want to help her, but I can barely help myself. She knows, but the saddest part is that I'm one of a very few SHE can go to. I can't take that away, but I can't maintain my own balance while trying to comfort her.

Just venting. Trying to sort it out by writing it down. Thanks for listening.

 

[Intrepid]

I know what you mean. When my daughter made a suicide attempt I felt totally responsible. That was 3 years ago. She's made much improvement.

I have to stop myself when I start the self-blame. I did the best I could. I know I did some things to make it worse, but that was out of my control.

I have to understand that my PTSD was disabling, just like what she was dealing with. Thank God there were resources for her in the community.

 

[Seasounds]

Now that I do understand I can recognize how long it went on, untreated. I failed to help her when she was younger and maybe if I'd known she wouldn't be struggling so hard now.

When I have dealt with such situations, one of the most helpful things that I found that I could do was to 'forgive myself' multiple times a day. I did my best, and believe that you did the same.

I carry my own guilt of failing to help her, but I'm struggling to take care of even the most basic functions of my own life. I want to help her, but I can barely help myself.

I too, found it very wise and helpful to make sure that I helped myself first, through a crisis, before I helped any one else, even though I cared for them.

but the saddest part is that I'm one of a very few SHE can go to. I can't take that away, but I can't maintain my own balance while trying to comfort her.

I know that I have not always been able to be the support person that I wanted to be, for the children that I loved. As you mentioned, your love will continue,and maybe it will continue in a new way-as you mentioned, you taking care of you.

There are ways that your daughter can build new supportive relationships-either with relatives, church members, neighbors, or being in touch with Crisis Lines, signing up for financial assistance due to a disability (seek out a Social Worker) and reaching out to professionals. Those new relationships may be the key to her healing. As it is a new road for her to develop,and it can be done.You are wise to reach out to may helpful relationships too. For myself, it has been useful to have a variety of supports, as at least one of them is available when I need them.

I have always found it helpful, when a person I depended on, could not help me, that they said, in a kind voice, that they cared for me and that they were so overwhelmed themselves, that they couldn't help me. In such a way, you might share your boundaries. The love is felt; their abandonment is diminished, especially if you continue to clearly, and kindly, set your boundaries.

What I find inspiring is how you are realizing that your daughter is triggering you; and that you reached out to the forum to help.Moms get boundaries so they can heal and remain sane! You can think of yourself as a good mother, who is helping yourself and thereby, is helping your daughter.

Congratulations! I hope you find support here.:)

 

[AnnaLost]

Thank you all for you for your kinds words of support. On good days I can tell myself that I did my best and I can be kind, to me. Today isn't one of those.

She's in full melt-down mode, her husband took off and hasn't talked to her in three days. She's been here, because she has nowhere else to go, which also means she stayed up all night, on my screen porch, drinking and smoking pot. After a 8 hour shift on my feet I came home, checked in with her and tried to go to bed. Tossed and turned, maybe got 2-3 hours. Woke up, made coffee, blood trails on the floor of the kitchen. She says she cut her foot last night. Went out to my screen porch, and found a disaster area.

I can't leave my house, because I don't know what will happen. Her anger, her grief are triggering me badly on too many levels. I don't know what to do for her. I can't say anything or I'll start crying. And nothing I say she'll listen to without responding in an overwhelmingly angry way, which I definitely can't handle more of. So I'm quiet, just listening and trying not to fall apart.

For two years I've tried to get her to go to therapy, to get help. She says she wants it, but never carries through.

Her dad, my husband, died last year and we're all she has left, after her husband, who appears to be MIA.

I hate days like this.