Other Ddnos folks - do you feel misunderstood?

[Poofycat]

My therapist and I are still trying to figure out exactly how fragmented my personality(?) is, but he constantly states that it doesn't actually matter, and my exact diagnosis doesn't actually matter. The goal is communication and/or integration of the various parts so that I can lead a more enriching life and have a wider range of experiences of all kinds. We're currently trying to find the best way to achieve this. There isn't a recipe for this type of thing, it's differently for everyone.

That being said, I can't help but do tons of research on the subject. I just find it so fascinating! I read a really great research article about dissociated parts a couple weeks ago. I'm not finding the link right away but will post it if/when I do.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Pencil I feel you. I wish I had answers, too.

I, myself see DDNOS as a Structural Dissociation thing. I have 'parts' but 'soft parts' not the concrete wall of parts associated with DID. Usually one part is watching while the other is acting out. So I notice there is an alikeness of DDNOS and DID but the nuances between the two are very significant.

I know that I have parts. I know that sometimes "I'm" there at the same time another part is. I know that some of them have names and look different from me (which I've never been able to tell my therapist about, because everytime I try to I just get so dizzy and disconnected and float away). I know that I lose time. I just have trouble separating out what it all means and what it all points to, and my obsessive need to understand in order to fix gets in the way of me just accepting whatever it is.

Part of my problem as well, and why I want to have a label and an explanation, is that I am thoroughly baffled by what is happening inside of me most of the time. I feel empty. I can't locate thoughts or emotions or even "who I am." I don't even know what my sexuality is and half of the time I can't remember my age or relate to my name. It's a scary place to be and I want a label that will explain it all.

I think part of the disconnect in the literature on topic is mainly the fact that each person IS so unique and the DDNOS experiences are SO varied

I think this is part of my frustration. The label doesn't describe anything specific - just what I am not.

@Dissociated1 I think I've read this article about twelve different times. It's good. But it, just like what we are all saying, doesn't shed light as much as just reiterate the problems that exist - the lack of literature, the frustrations that DDNOS survivors feel.

DID is considered to be a disorder of secrecy because the victims' lives depended on hiding the coping mechanism. DDNOS is even more elusive.

Thank you for this.

Practically the only place I talk dissociation at these days is here, though. Plenty fellas with the same or very alike issues, less 'I'm so alone' concerns.

Me too. Me too. I can't hardly even talk with my therapist about it because I spend at least half of every session curled up in a catatonic ball in the chair, and the rest of the session trying not to curl up into a catatonic ball.

@Poofycat If you find the link, I'd love to take a look at that article.

 

[Poofycat]

Found the link: http://www.janinafisher.com/pdfs/dissociation.pdf

I'm having my husband read it right now. He's struggling a bit. I think it just sounds so foreign and strange to someone who isn't dissociative.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Poofycat That' a good one, too. I've read it about twelve times as well. Thanks for sharing.

I think Janina Fisher has other articles on her website. I'll look at some of those, as well.

 

[Poofycat]

I can't hardly even talk with my therapist about it because I spend at least half of every session curled up in a catatonic ball in the chair

Have you tried writing it down for your therapist to read? At least then he'll be aware of what is going on and can try to find a way for you to move forward on addressing the issue. I often have trouble vocalizing things, so I end up sending my T a lot of emails. He says he doesn't mind, and I think I might believe him.

 

[Ronin]

I spend at least half of every session curled up in a catatonic ball in the chair, and the rest of the session trying not to curl up into a catatonic ball.

This. Mix of running in a fugue, catatonia, deep rage inwardly or outwardly and all around more lights out & nobody's home states here, too. Usually when someone inside decides to be the soother & motivator we're back to aware, ish, but all in the before is hell.

After, too, because ashamed of it. Humor helps. Heck, some tropes help. But on the deeper end, it's so f*cking not funny. Miss the times trusted people chained me to something or just held me tight whole spell long to be honest.

 

[Poofycat]

So much this:

After, too, because ashamed of it.

I'm just now realizing how often I automatically cover up missing time. Like someone will mention how funny something was, and I won't remember it and say something like "oh yeah, so funny" but inside I'm like "oh shit. It happened again. I wonder what else happened? What did I do? I probably did something embarrassing." It's the worst, and really gets to the feeling misunderstood part of this. How do you explain that people? Like, I couldn't just say "Oh, I must have switched personalities. I don't remember that, but I'm sure someone in my brain does." You would be locked up.

 

[Ronin]

I'm fine covering it up, honestly. I try to not insult people (cough, try and fail, but) as all-around group policies even in dire circumstances, as people tend to remember insult to their honor / personhood / values / qualities far more than anything else.

Everything that's not a moral injury of some sort is much easier to just joke off. Not funny it may be, easier.

Plus my sense of humor is twenty shades weird on the best of days, so people tend to take it as 'one of those You things'.

 

[Ronin]

One more thought if I may - when struggling, please be careful how much reading on dissociation is done.

With PTSD it tends to bring clarifying A-ha moments, clearness, calm, progress.
Dissociative deeper scales don't work the same. Spinning into worse states and more confusion & regressing & overload by early trauma or very uncategorized complex trauma dissociation usually keeps at bay, can be the opposite of helpful.

Going in hand at times, they are still quite different disorders. Evaluating what is more a reason for current issues? (Dissociation? PTSD? Something else physical? Something environmental?) Far more helpful step before offering reading.

 

[Pencil]

I don't even know what my sexuality is

Ah!! Same here.

 

[Geminitwins]

Very good thread, here .. thank you. We struggle regularly to understand ourselves, but *I* feel like the mouthpiece for everyone else. Not DID, but not really myself, either. I feel half and half, and the boy side of me is dominating and sometimes mean and vindictive, take+control+dominate+punish, but the girl side of me is tender and overly emotional, submit+keepthepeace+empthize+virtue. So I don't know my own sexuality either. I'm just the normal, everyday, shield and mediator. I suppose I'm bisexual, but that's not really right either. I know what I want, and depending on who's in control - boy or girl - I am all that and no inbetween. I haven't found any literature to explain, and I definitely don't feel understood, but I don't really care about that. Girl me hates she has a p*nis, and boy me despises that girl me wants to give it up for a big fat .. well, you know. *I* feel like I shouldn't be so sexual either way, there's so much MORE to a relationship than just the physical so I don't ever get (or give) either. VERY frustrating. More than one of me trapped in here, and we hate sharing. So we just keep to ourselves.

 

[Pencil]

Dissociative deeper scales don't work the same. Spinning into worse states and more confusion & regressing & overload by early trauma or very uncategorized complex trauma dissociation usually keeps at bay, can be the opposite of helpful.

I experienced this first hand. In 2012, when it all came crashing down, i did a lot of reading to try and make sense of what was happening, and it started spinning out of control.