Dealing with difficult people

[Vero]

I recently moved in with her, but like I said in the OP she lived with me and my parents from when I was a child until 4-5 years ago, so we know each other very well. The difference it's that it's the first time just me and my grandmother. We used to have the same issues as we do now, so this is a long history...
@scout86 She only leaves the house to go to the doctor. She was always like this, I don't know why. Before she would go to church once in a while but not anymore. We offered to take her for a walk but she always finds an excuse to decline.
I will try to ask her more about her day, to see how that works. However, she usually doesn't have a lot to say because she is so isolated. It is sad.
I'm not sure if the problem is violating boundaries. I could navigate that. She resents me for talking on the phone with my friends because I don't talk as much with her. Because I don't tell her what we talked about after I finished the conversation. Because I close the door to my room (which happends very rarely) and she says I isolate myself. Because when I look upset I don't open up to her, even if I'm not particulary sad and I tell her I'm fine (in a calm voice). Because when I walk from my room to the kitchen I don't stop to talk to her. I feel that whatever I do is a sign to her that I avoid her and I don't mean it that way. I guess one of the reasons I struggle with my grandmother is because I became so self conscious about every move I make. That makes me want to whitdraw even more.
We sometimes have good conversations, it's not all bad, but I'm not at peace.

 

[siniang]

If I were you I would consider it a blessing and be thankful that you have someone who wants to be involved in your life. She is not going to live forever. And you may want to remember that the things you do and say today cannot be changed once she is gone, so put some thought into whatever you decide to do.

but she is still your grandmother.

She also needs help as she is old and doesn't want to leave the house so I honestly thought I could help with the groceries and stuff. I never thought it would be so difficult to live with her...

Guys, I don't think it's fair to make @Vero feel guilty for not getting along with her grandma - just because you got along with yours or wished you had or because it's somehow a societal expectation to get along with (elderly) family.

Being respectful and being close? Two very different pairs of shoes.

And just "being old and won't be likely to change anymore" doesn't give anyone the right to hurt other people. It shouldn't all be on Vero and sometimes there just is no consense, regardless of how much you talk, how much you try to sort this out. Sometimes the best way indeed is distance... Vero has no obligation towards her grandma (and it speaks heaps that she was still considering helping her grandma a major factor in her decision) and while grandma might be lonely, that doesn't automatically make Vero her entertainment and best friend.

@Vero from personal experience I urge you to move out. Moving out doesn't mean you'd never see her again and you can make plans to visit regularly.

 

[Lionheart]

I did not mean to make Vero feel guilty for not getting along with her grandmother. I was trying to encourage her to see the positive aspect of having a family member care for her and want to be a part of her life. I also did not want Vero to end up with any lifetime regrets (in case her grandmother passed) if she didn't think through her decisions. I have lost a lot of family over the past few years and that is the place I was coming from. I am sorry if I caused any guilt.

And for sure her grandmother does not have the right to hurt her or her family and distance may be the only solution. Again @Vero I apologize. It certainly is not your fault if you can't get along with your grandmother.

 

[Vero]

@siniang Thank you for your reply, I admit I felt a little beaten down in this discussion. I own my mistakes in my relationship with my grandmother and for sure I could do better, I guess I just wanted to find out how to warm up to someone I don't feel close to and sometimes feel angry at but try to not act on it. I'm sure my grandmother would not say I disrespect her or treat her badly, as this is not the case and if you would come by our house things would look ok, but the tension is still there on both sides. I came to the conclusion that sometimes distance is required in order to have a better relationship.

I think we could leave this thread at that.