Dealing With Physical Scars

[Maxwell]

One of my biggest issues is with body image. I was horribly obese at the peak of the abuse. Getting away from the trauma, I've shed 160lbs. with diet and exercise alone. I now have (what I believe to be) very ugly loose skin. My body has no shape, I require a lot of medications, and insurance won't help to get rid of it. My entire body is destroyed. The only thing to get rid of it is money, which I will not have for many more years. It's very painful to have gone through so much, put in so much effort to heal the effects, and have this issue beyond my control.

I've already been anorexic and bulimic. My entire life, my mother constantly made my body an issue. She made fun of my father's body, which already makes me feel bad. I'm in my mid-20s and never had a relationship.

I look relatively decent with clothes on, which is nice.

I'm not sure what else to say. I just want to know if anyone else has physical scars related to the abuse. How do you deal with them? How do you deal with your self-esteem? How do you deal with it being a constant reminder of the trauma?

 

[Mary Burgess]

I do not have any physical abuse scars, thank goodness, but I wanted to say this: you lost 160 lbs, and that is incredible! Wow! That is a whole lot of perseverance, dedication and love you gave to yourself - how could anyone not love you for that? ((((((((This hug is for you!)))))))

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think Mary Burgess puts it well.

 

[Muzikluvr]

I don't have a physical scar, but I look like my abusers. My children look like my abusers. I'm glad that my children are still growing and changing. Sometimes they look like my husband and his family more, for that I am thankful.

I look in the mirror and when my face is fat (as it is now) then I look just like my mom. I mean, just like her. Today, especially. :( And, when it's thin, then I look just like one of my mom's evil sisters. :( If I don't look like my mom's side of the family, then I look like my dad's mom or my dad's niece. Either one is despicable to me. I don't want to look like these people. :( I don't want my daughter to look like these people.

I even look like the boy who raped me, sometimes. I have the same color eyes he has, and some of my facial features are similar to his. :sick:

I wish I could look in the mirror and not see these similarities. I try not to think about it too much.

 

[freakofnurture]

Congrats on those 160lbs! An admirable feat.

I have scars from self-abuse which I consider to be abuse by proxy since I acted out my abuser introjection.

I usually wear them like a warrior would wear her battle scars. They show where I've been, emotionally. They show what pain I have survived.

But they are also reminders of times when I felt incredibly horrible and sometimes I just want to get rid of them. Since I can't, I cope by wearing long clothes on these days.

 

[Maxwell]

Muzikluvr,

I feel the same exact way. I look like so many family members I don't like. As I get older, I worry so much that I'm going to start looking more and more like how I remember them. It scares me.

And Mary, thank you :)

Freakofnuture, I feel the same way about my weight. What does it say that I lost it naturally within two years of getting away from the abuse?

 

[Muzikluvr]

What does it say that I lost it naturally within two years of getting away from the abuse?

Your body responds to your mental state. Part of the reason could be stress, fear, anxiety from changing your situation; another part of the reason could be the stress relief of not living under an abuser's rule anymore. Changing your stress from powerless to powerful can do a lot for one's state of mind.

People lose too much weight, sometimes, when they make a change or become depressed. If you're not trying to lose weight, is it something you can put the brakes on before you lose too much?

- My T asked me that when I first remembered being abused. I enjoyed the weight loss, and I only dropped to the bottom end of the healthy weight chart. I didn't try to lose the weight and I didn't try to maintain my weight. I just ate when I was hungry, and didn't eat when my stomach was in knots.

What do you think the reason is that you naturally lost the weight?

 

[Maxwell]

I definitely tried very hard. It was quite a struggle. It became easier and easier. Now, like you, I simply eat like a normal person. I eat extremely healthy. I was so stressed before that people thought I was on prednisone. I had a 'moon face', buffalo hump, etc. My body was pumping out that much stress hormone. I talk to my mother for 10 minutes and my blood pressure goes up and I get angry. It's no wonder I needed so many medications before. I just wish social services had intervened when I was quite literally the heaviest kid in my middle school. I was on the verge of heart failure. I had diabetes, high blood pressure, heart rhythm problems, etc. All of that is gone. My blood work is amazing despite being technically still 'overweight'. It's better than most really thin people. I can walk, run, work out, etc. I couldn't even climb the stairs to my room before. I quite literally almost died from abuse.

 

[Muzikluvr]

(((((((Maxwell)))))))) I think your weight loss is a huge victory! It is a physical validation of the fact that you can save yourself. You are a very strong person. You are your own hero! That's how I see your weight loss.

This is how I see you. :) This is what your story says to me.