Debate: Is Spanking A Naked 15 Year Old Girl Child Abuse?

[tphillips117]

I find this to be confusing and hard to reconcile in my head. Very sad, indeed.

 

[Pencil]

Abusive, crazy and sad, yes.

 

[tphillips117]

Do you think that symptoms and memories like this define you? Am I destined to be haunted like this forever? I downplay what happened to me because I just have to imagine that compared to other people, what happened to me wasn't that bad. I feel like my body and mind are over reacting and I question my T judgment of a situation that he was not privy to. Hence the confusion.

 

[safenow]

tphillips117, you will not be haunted forever. You can move past this and get on with your life. Once in a while, you'll remember, but it won't haunt you like it does right now.

 

[BloomInWinter]

The abuse does impact us, but how we choose to live our lives once we've faced the abuse is totally up to us.

It doesn't define me. It's a part of my story. I still have trouble calling what I went through 'abuse' but that's also the defensive structures I put into place to distance myself from the feelings or risk death or insanity.

The abusers in my life taught me to not trust my feelings, to never question their 'view' nor their actions. That's emotional abuse.

Just giving it a name doesn't change the fact that it happened. Neither does denying it.

Denying and minimizing the impact to myself serves only the abusers and does nothing to help me heal. My T. taught me that it really doesn't matter whether or not it would meet a standard definition somewhere. All that matters is the impression it left. If it left psychological injuries, then I deserve healing.

But I did learn to never try to get an abuser to admit to their abuse. That's a further waste of my healing energy. I surround myself with only validating people now. I leave my abusers to their own views, which they are entitled to.

But I'm entitled to mine. I get to name it, claim it, and tame it. They don't have to live with the effects of what they did, only I do. It's tremendously unjust but not as unjust as me continuing to abuse myself with their judgment by blaming, shaming and hating on myself for having been hurt.

Being treated hurtfully hurts. We're not 'bad' because it hurt us. We're not 'bad' for seeking healing.

...and it's nobody's business what I choose to call what happened to me. I don't have to give it a label if I don't want to. But it did hurt and I want to face that so it finally heals.

Hang in there. Try not to get caught up on whether or not the label means 'absolute truth.' Just trust your feelings. Did it hurt your feelings? If so, that's all that's necessary to deserve healing.

Hitting is abuse.

There is no excuse for hitting another human being, except in self-defense. Hitting is punishment, not discipline. Discipline means 'to teach.'

It is both physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. It is morally reprehensible and there is no justification for it. It should never be tolerated in any society. Someday it will be illegal in all states.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. She should have had to be arrested for that, sent to a judge who could order her to counseling. She is quite ill to do that, and also to believe it's ok.

 

[tphillips117]

I was going through my college computer hard drive, and I found this letter on it. I've never showed this to anyone (not even my husband) because I feel deep, painful, unexplainable shame. This could be triggering for some of you, so please be warned. I'm sorry in advance.

Sept. 21, 1997

I wanted to write you because I can't stop thinking about my life and I wanted you to help me and understand what you did to me.

Who am I? What am I doing here? Am I responsible for my brothers death? Was I your disappointment? Are you going to kill me? Why couldn't you love me? I hate you for what you did to me! I hate you for all my nightmares, my memories, my anger. I hate you for giving birth to me. I hate that you stole meaning and purpose from me. I'm going to die like this. Alone and forgotten. Just like you.

"You're not crying because you're in pain, you're crying because you feel guilty for what you did". What did I do?

The sound of the wooden paddle with my name on it. The belt, fly swatter, hand,switch, wooden spoon, slapping against my skin and feeling like it was being violently ripped off. Why would you do that over and over to me?

"Take it off! Right now! Take it off, or I'll give you something to ball about". Do you remember yelling that at me?

"How can you do this to me!? Why do you make me do this to you!?" Through my cries and screams you would say that to me. It's my fault. I feel so guilty.

Do most kids know what blood smells like? I did, thanks to you.

The gun you would terrorize me with. Sitting on the other side of your bedroom door you would tell me that you had a gun to your head and would pull the trigger if you wanted or needed something and I was too slow to get it. You would yell "I'm going to count to five. If you don't bring me that phone, I'm going to pull the trigger...1...2...3...4... I was so scared.

You would burst into my room screaming "he's going to rape me!, he's going to kill me!". I was just a kid. How did you want me to help you?

"Shhhhh, if you cry, he's going to leave me" whispering this after you would beat me--always holding your hand over my mouth. afraid to cry, afraid to make you mad, sad, angry. afraid to make mistakes, I was afraid to be alive.

Whenever you punished me, I wrote you an apology letter explaining how sorry I was for whatever I had done wrong. I carved a hole inside every closet of every bedroom we had over the years, and I would hide the letters between the drywall panels. I am sorry for disappointing you, mom.

"I really hate you sometimes", You'd tell me how horrible my father was and then cap it off with "and you are just like him". "Your brother and sister have the same father, that's why they're so close".

1988. grounded to my room. I was only allowed to come out to go to the bathroom. I ate every meal on my bed for 10 weeks. I talked to my "fish", my only friend.

John paid child support for the three of us every first of the month, but you spent all of it. If I had money and failed to disclose it and you found out, I got a beating for being a liar and a "sneak".

The year Santa never came, remember that? You put coal in my stocking on purpose. I was 11. How could you do that to me?

I'll never be the same. But that's not what hurt me. Your voice, the way you walked, the look on your face, the way you breathe, the way you watch me, waiting for me to mess up. The snapping of the belt. I will hear and see that in my head forever. I'm scared of you. I have horrible dreams that you are going to kill me, hurt me, beat me to death. Just do it. I can't live like this. Just finish the job, mom. I'm done. My life is over because it never began.

I love you.

 

[Philippa]

Yeah, the fact that your mother made you take your clothes off for it, suggests something more than just plain old abuse. There is something sexualised to that...in my opinion. I think spanking is abusive though. If it is maybe one spank to shock the child then that may be something debatable, but if it is full throttle onslaught of spanking hard then it is definitely abuse.

 

[Philippa]

God, I just read your letter tphillips, and I'm so sorry you had to endure that womans highly manipulative and cruel abuse. Threatening to kill herself if you didn't do what she wanted...is just...extremely childish for one thing, and extremely horrible as well. I can only reel to think how her own mother must have raised her that she thought that was sound parenting.

 

[tphillips117]

Thanks, Philippa. Her mother was a cruel parent as well. I lived with her mother after age 16 and she was a tyrant.

 

[Rumors]

I read your letter. :( My heart cries for you. I hope you find some resolution to all of this. You deserve some peace.

 

[tphillips117]

Rumors, thank you. I hope to get some peace, someday.

 

[kastour]

Legally, it's very clearly defined as abuse. Ethically, I would say it is, too. I would definitely call it sexual abuse, too.

Spanking in itself is wrong, especially as you were close to being an adult (in legal terms) which would make that assault all the more serious (this is the abuse). The fact that you were forced to, unwillingly, take all your clothes off definitely comes off as sexual abuse. Although there was no sexual intent (I assume and hope) you were forced to remove all of your clothing.