Defending Against Family Initiated Ptsd

[xena21]

I grew up in an abusive household from the get go. I know that now. I have always blamed myself for the inadequacies of my life no matter how small. I have always explained my existence as something tainted. I had no other reason to explain why so much evil took place in my life so early on.

Anyway, as my life progressed, I trusted nobody at all. I had a moral compass to live in a black and white universe...right and wrong that was it. I went into law enforcement to put the "bad people" away. You can imagine how hard it is to decipher the truly bad people when you grow up with people that are so evil that it is your standard.

I'm sure others can relate to how their family treated them in such an evil way. I never understood how much it affected my life until I went into law enforcement and I looked at people so differently. I then had trouble dealing with my coworkers too. I began to mistrust them. It became a nightmare every day. It built up until I was terrified of everything in life. I was beyond depressed and just wanted to die. How can life just turn around so quickly?

My therapists now say I just couldn't handle it anymore. I can't figure that out though. I had so much training. It is so frustrating to see how people can ruin other peoples lives and how evil they can be. Now I am still wondering how to move on from the nightmares that the family has left behind?

 

[ms spock]

Hi Xena,

I am working with this family initiated PTSD stuff. I really feel for you for what you are going through.

 

[blindcansee]

I relate to this. I have many challenges. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Spiderallis]

It's very brave of you to express that so honestly @xena21 Acknowledging that what happened wasn't right is a big part of healing from it. You're further along in the process than you think. Morals and ethics vary quite a bit from person to person, as does their importance in an individual's life. Those things clearly mean a great deal to you, and I admire that. I'm still working on the black-or-white thinking, but it's helped me to consider that some people don't have the right tools or resources to make the healthiest decisions. Sometimes they're just doing the best they can with the limited knowledge and awareness they have- I can forgive that so long as they keep trying to learn and grow. Not everyone wants to learn or grow, so it's a matter of trying to determine intentions. Sometimes hurtful things are done meaning to help, other times it's just the thrashing of a wounded animal trying to defend itself.

 

[xena21]

I'm still working on the black-or-white thinking, but it's helped me to consider that some people don't have the right tools or resources to make the healthiest decisions. Sometimes they're just doing the best they can with the limited knowledge and awareness they have- I can forgive that so long as they keep trying to learn and grow.

I get this too. I see it very plainly in my life. I have OCD as well as PTSD so my life is all about right or wrong and black and white, but I also have that moral compass that is related to right or wrong where I NEED to do the "right " thing. That's why its so important for me to learn what those right things are. I have tried to follow what I think other people in the "normal" families think is right. I have tried to follow the path that is least evil. That which is least like my family.

I don't think of it as brave. I think of it as surviving. I have thought of killing myself since I was 12. The only thing that saved me was the thought of morally living a better life than the people around me. It has fallen short several times over the last few years, but I try to keep that moral compass as my main focus. I understand some people do things when they don't intend to screw things up royally, and I give leeway to that. I know my Mom never intended for me to be hurt so badly. She is my comfort despite everything. I know a lot of people don't INTEND for others to be hurt. It's those bastards that do that I would love to send straight to He*&.