Depersonalisation

[moomin]

Does anyone else ever feel like a detached observer in someone else's body? It's not like I'm seeing myself from above or outside. Just like my brain is in someone else's body.

Lately had a few occasions where I've thought: oh how strange you are behaving like you are having a panic attack, you must be pretending. Then kind of reconnected with my body and found I'm actually panicking and ended up crying in a weird and slightly hysterical way. It's happened twice in the last week. Just wondered if I'm alone in that

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, I do this. Mainly when I am frozen. 'Hey, idiot, move, stop faking, get off your ass, stop being stupid, get a grip, get a life.'

That diatribe, btw, is a way of talking that comes hand and hand with my depersonalization. I don't normally talk to myself like that either.

 

[Abstract]

Yes I think you are far from alone in this. I tend to have a wide a creative array of forms of removal from myself.

 

[sun seeker]

Kind of, if I'm understanding correctly. Sometimes it's as if I am watching myself go through panic reactions but it's more like observing than experiencing. Like you, I am not watching from outside of my body, but... wow, this is hard to explain. I'm in my body, going through the reaction, but only minimally aware that it's me having the reaction. Does that sound like what you experience?

 

[moomin]

Sometimes it's as if I am watching myself go through panic reactions but it's more like observing than experiencing. Like you, I am not watching from outside of my body, but... wow, this is hard to explain. I'm in my body, going through the reaction, but only minimally aware that it's me having the reaction. Does that sound like what you experience?

Wow. That is exactly what I experience. You have literally just described the exact thing I was trying to put into words. I'm sorry you can relate but it's helpful knowing I'm not alone...

 

[Abstract]

I have to add that I don't tend to panic about the removal if that makes sense. Its just something that was always there a lot and although I am an introspective person in certain senses I didn't even think to check in with how I felt in general. I tend to say I was dissociated from my dissociation! If that makes sense.

But from an experiential point of view I would describe it more like sunseeker did. It's not that dissimilar to how I react to seeing stuff around me that should get a reaction. *oh the pan and curtains are on fire tra lalala la* Still off in cloud floaty land. Nothing to do with me. Pain, panic, various other things that happen to my body don't really feel like they have anything to do with me. I am just an observer. In fact when this was worse in my life it wouldn't really register. An example is that when I am looking at myself from above or outside it took most of my life to start to think that may be worth noting.

I think with depersonalisation being outside of your body is one extreme of one aspect of this type of reaction (removal from self) What you describe is just on that spectrum but with less removal. You are not outside but a lot of your connection to it isn;t there. If you break up all the aspects of connection with yourself into different catagories in my experience deperosnalisation can take any combination of those away. That's the way I understand it and see it for myself anyway. Hard to describe always. I always think dissociation almost needs its own language as usual language doesn't really work.

The other thing I do is sit inside my head and see things from there. Thats the best I can put it into words. I can't really feel my legs or the rest of me and am just sort of floating along and trying to control things from up there. It happens particularly when I am trying to create distance in interpersonal connections. In order to look into someones eyes I need to go there.

I do way way way less dissociating these days though.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm sorry you can relate but it's helpful knowing I'm not alone...

I'm sorry you can relate too, but now I have a name for it. Thank you for that!

 

[sun seeker]

I tend to say I was dissociated from my dissociation! If that makes sense.

It makes sense to me. This is a really useful thread. Maybe we just get tired of all the stress hormones and the physical feeling of going through trauma reactions all the time, so we still go through them but put some space between our awareness and our bodies? When this is happening to me I observe my reactions but also, now I think about it, my thoughts. Like "Oh, okay, now I'm thinking I should do something about this, so I'm doing X, Y, and Z... is that going to be enough? No... okay, so now..."

In a way, it's like being two people at once: the one having the reaction and another one observing the one having the reaction.

 

[moomin]

The other thing I do is sit inside my head and see things from there. Thats the best I can put it into words.

I do that too. I used to do an exercise class (Zumba) and would do it during that.

Maybe we just get tired of all the stress hormones and the physical feeling of going through trauma reactions all the time, so we still go through them but put some space between our awareness and our bodies?

I think you are onto something. If ptsd is living in a constant state of alarm it seems like this is a way of trying to switch it off.

For me the main problem is it messes with my ability to read internal cues and to know how I'm feeling and why.

 

[Abstract]

In a way, it's like being two people at once: the one having the reaction and another one observing the one having the reaction.

Totally relate to that. Its been so extreme for me I have sat outside my body and watched myself do things but been unable to control it. Like a total stranger. It was going to jump on a train track once and there was nothing I could do.I was about 100 metres away from my body. But when there isn't that degree of seperation there is often still the same essence of separation if that makes sense. Sometimes its like the body is a separate entity to me and sometimes its like I am fighting other agendas internally and its not just the body. Another example is having an internal battle with myself and finding that my body is self harming and I can;t stop it.Total surprise and no warning it is going to happen.

so we still go through them but put some space between our awareness and our bodies?

Thats the way I understand it too. Like a trip switch and a way to control or separate aspects of things to reduce overwhelm.

For me the main problem is it messes with my ability to read internal cues and to know how I'm feeling and why.

Oh, yup. One of the things I did for this was journal all the time and look at situations for how I should be feeling, then look for connection or physical signs in the body for indications of these or make decisions according to what I guessed would be a likely feeling in that situation. Did that for many many years every day. Darn hard work.