• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Is this depersonalization? I feel void of a persona.

F

Ferry P

I have this thing where l don't know how to be, how to act or even how to think anymore.

I was severely and acutely physically beaten over 11 years. Much verbal, emotional, sexual and sustenance abuses and they were just as bad.

I've suffered ostracization, exclusion, false accusations aplenty throughout life and being dismissed as a nobody. This is my adult life.

I was in a church for nearly 40 years and even there l was not believed when l tried to defend my daughter against her being treated in an extremely distressing way by her 'alleged' spouse. I wasn't believed even when my daughter was being abused. I felt so weak. I failed her. But it's always been this way. I'm not a credited person and people treat me like a fraud. I know I'm not.

Anyways I'm very dysregulated. I go to try to something and l stop because l fear I'll go into a dysregulation. So many of my behaviors are dysregulation. If we are meant to be 'trees' I'm actually a 'sucker vine'. The tree that was supposed to be me is a frail anemic sapling void of force, will and life. Every behaviour l have *is the sucker vine;* nothing is me.

I was falsely accused of a very major crime. I was sacked but eventually cleared. But it's ruined my career and employment. I haven't worked in over 6 years. And l was going to work for another 6 years but no-one employs a person who has done what l was alleged to have done.

I was accused of physically beating a minor in the course of my employment as a high school teacher. That l didn't do it is immaterial to prospective employment opportunities. People, management, organizations and companies can't be too careful. I understand that but what about people in my position who just fall thru the cracks.

I've lost so many friends, I've had 27 dates in 11 years not one relationship has begun. I've only had one relationship. My teenage years were terrible. My friends could get girls without trying. I was completely invisible. I never even kissed a girl till I was near 21. When l finally found a girl l hunted her down like lion or a tiger. It was all I knew. I married her as that was at the time we started going to a church group.

Growing up my stepfather did all the above abuses and never referred to me by my name. He had demeaning sobriquets. He disparaged me. He was bisexual. But he had to be something because my mother was a slut. Did you want me to sugar coat it? Seriously she spread her legs for money. She despised me. She had no time at all for me and treated the others a little better. One a lot better but still overall we were a millstone around her neck. We impeded her sexual domination of her domain. I was conceived when they were both 17 and they were forced to marry. I was not wanted in any way, shape or form. She consumated her marriage with another man, who was not my father, on her wedding night.

I grew up compensating for everything. When he'd rain his fists down on me, to get thru my beatings, I'd say "I hate my mum, I hate my mum, I hate my mum, I hate my mum" over and over till the pain subsided. He'd punch us enough to hurt us but without major injury. He did it this way so that he could prolong the results. It was usually 20/25 blows and it was painful.

He'd throw me into bed and I'd sob myself to sleep wishing l could die. I've had suicidal ideation for 56 years. I've only found out l was CPTSD these past 7/8 months.

So now l don't know how a 'tree' is supposed to act because all I've known is the 'sucker vine'. I feel void of a persona. I truly didnt know that a person could suffer this loss of self. This is not a "I've gotta go to India or to Tibet to 'find' myself" shit. No this is a total loss of character and being.

Does anyone relate to this?
 
Is this depersonalization?

It might be?

I personally shorthand
- Depersonalization = I am not real
- Derealization = The world isn’t real

…But…

It might also be identity issues & dysreg & cognitive distortions / core beliefs in play.

Or some from column A & some from columns B & C & XYZ.

I truly didnt know that a person could suffer this loss of self. This is not a "I've gotta go to India or to Tibet to 'find' myself" shit. No this is a total loss of character and being.
I did this a long time ago when I shattered, and had to completely rewrite my moral code & understanding of the world… and was quite, quite insane during the early parts of that process. Which doesn’t sound like where you’re at.

It reads more as if you’re in a place where you don’t feel real (which IS depersonalization) combined with attempting to sift/sort/decide WHO you want to be.
 
It might also be identity issues & dysreg & cognitive distortions / core beliefs in play.

Or some from column A & some from columns B & C & XYZ.

It reads more as if you’re in a place where you don’t feel real (which IS depersonalization) combined with attempting to sift/sort/decide WHO you want to be.
Yep, that's me except l don't feel like l want choose who I am, more like l just want to be *who I was supposed to be.*

Neil Young sang: "Just think of me as one you've never figured".

I am a hologram, l only look like I'm here. I have v few friends, 4 maybe, and 3 live 200kms away and more.
 
I can relate. When I joined the site my username was “searching for self”. Hologram is a good description. Are you in treatment? Believe it or not, having four friends is a huge advantage, no matter how far they live. Friends can help tremendously with forming a sense of self.
 
I have this thing where l don't know how to be, how to act or even how to think anymore.
in my own case, this phenom has way more than a single thread/symptom tangled in the paralyzing web. way more than i can untangle in a single sitting. yes, depersonalization is among those threads. or is that social anxiety? low self-esteem? ptsd psychosis? dissociation? etcetera? etceteri?

by whatever name, i counter that uncertainty of how to act or think, i counter with mantras.
just be yourself.
to thine own self be true.
ad lib allowed.
fake it till ya make it.
etcetera
etceteri

but that is me and every case is unique. steadying support while you find what works for you.
 
Back
Top