F
Ferry P
I have this thing where l don't know how to be, how to act or even how to think anymore.
I was severely and acutely physically beaten over 11 years. Much verbal, emotional, sexual and sustenance abuses and they were just as bad.
I've suffered ostracization, exclusion, false accusations aplenty throughout life and being dismissed as a nobody. This is my adult life.
I was in a church for nearly 40 years and even there l was not believed when l tried to defend my daughter against her being treated in an extremely distressing way by her 'alleged' spouse. I wasn't believed even when my daughter was being abused. I felt so weak. I failed her. But it's always been this way. I'm not a credited person and people treat me like a fraud. I know I'm not.
Anyways I'm very dysregulated. I go to try to something and l stop because l fear I'll go into a dysregulation. So many of my behaviors are dysregulation. If we are meant to be 'trees' I'm actually a 'sucker vine'. The tree that was supposed to be me is a frail anemic sapling void of force, will and life. Every behaviour l have *is the sucker vine;* nothing is me.
I was falsely accused of a very major crime. I was sacked but eventually cleared. But it's ruined my career and employment. I haven't worked in over 6 years. And l was going to work for another 6 years but no-one employs a person who has done what l was alleged to have done.
I was accused of physically beating a minor in the course of my employment as a high school teacher. That l didn't do it is immaterial to prospective employment opportunities. People, management, organizations and companies can't be too careful. I understand that but what about people in my position who just fall thru the cracks.
I've lost so many friends, I've had 27 dates in 11 years not one relationship has begun. I've only had one relationship. My teenage years were terrible. My friends could get girls without trying. I was completely invisible. I never even kissed a girl till I was near 21. When l finally found a girl l hunted her down like lion or a tiger. It was all I knew. I married her as that was at the time we started going to a church group.
Growing up my stepfather did all the above abuses and never referred to me by my name. He had demeaning sobriquets. He disparaged me. He was bisexual. But he had to be something because my mother was a slut. Did you want me to sugar coat it? Seriously she spread her legs for money. She despised me. She had no time at all for me and treated the others a little better. One a lot better but still overall we were a millstone around her neck. We impeded her sexual domination of her domain. I was conceived when they were both 17 and they were forced to marry. I was not wanted in any way, shape or form. She consumated her marriage with another man, who was not my father, on her wedding night.
I grew up compensating for everything. When he'd rain his fists down on me, to get thru my beatings, I'd say "I hate my mum, I hate my mum, I hate my mum, I hate my mum" over and over till the pain subsided. He'd punch us enough to hurt us but without major injury. He did it this way so that he could prolong the results. It was usually 20/25 blows and it was painful.
He'd throw me into bed and I'd sob myself to sleep wishing l could die. I've had suicidal ideation for 56 years. I've only found out l was CPTSD these past 7/8 months.
So now l don't know how a 'tree' is supposed to act because all I've known is the 'sucker vine'. I feel void of a persona. I truly didnt know that a person could suffer this loss of self. This is not a "I've gotta go to India or to Tibet to 'find' myself" shit. No this is a total loss of character and being.
Does anyone relate to this?
I was severely and acutely physically beaten over 11 years. Much verbal, emotional, sexual and sustenance abuses and they were just as bad.
I've suffered ostracization, exclusion, false accusations aplenty throughout life and being dismissed as a nobody. This is my adult life.
I was in a church for nearly 40 years and even there l was not believed when l tried to defend my daughter against her being treated in an extremely distressing way by her 'alleged' spouse. I wasn't believed even when my daughter was being abused. I felt so weak. I failed her. But it's always been this way. I'm not a credited person and people treat me like a fraud. I know I'm not.
Anyways I'm very dysregulated. I go to try to something and l stop because l fear I'll go into a dysregulation. So many of my behaviors are dysregulation. If we are meant to be 'trees' I'm actually a 'sucker vine'. The tree that was supposed to be me is a frail anemic sapling void of force, will and life. Every behaviour l have *is the sucker vine;* nothing is me.
I was falsely accused of a very major crime. I was sacked but eventually cleared. But it's ruined my career and employment. I haven't worked in over 6 years. And l was going to work for another 6 years but no-one employs a person who has done what l was alleged to have done.
I was accused of physically beating a minor in the course of my employment as a high school teacher. That l didn't do it is immaterial to prospective employment opportunities. People, management, organizations and companies can't be too careful. I understand that but what about people in my position who just fall thru the cracks.
I've lost so many friends, I've had 27 dates in 11 years not one relationship has begun. I've only had one relationship. My teenage years were terrible. My friends could get girls without trying. I was completely invisible. I never even kissed a girl till I was near 21. When l finally found a girl l hunted her down like lion or a tiger. It was all I knew. I married her as that was at the time we started going to a church group.
Growing up my stepfather did all the above abuses and never referred to me by my name. He had demeaning sobriquets. He disparaged me. He was bisexual. But he had to be something because my mother was a slut. Did you want me to sugar coat it? Seriously she spread her legs for money. She despised me. She had no time at all for me and treated the others a little better. One a lot better but still overall we were a millstone around her neck. We impeded her sexual domination of her domain. I was conceived when they were both 17 and they were forced to marry. I was not wanted in any way, shape or form. She consumated her marriage with another man, who was not my father, on her wedding night.
I grew up compensating for everything. When he'd rain his fists down on me, to get thru my beatings, I'd say "I hate my mum, I hate my mum, I hate my mum, I hate my mum" over and over till the pain subsided. He'd punch us enough to hurt us but without major injury. He did it this way so that he could prolong the results. It was usually 20/25 blows and it was painful.
He'd throw me into bed and I'd sob myself to sleep wishing l could die. I've had suicidal ideation for 56 years. I've only found out l was CPTSD these past 7/8 months.
So now l don't know how a 'tree' is supposed to act because all I've known is the 'sucker vine'. I feel void of a persona. I truly didnt know that a person could suffer this loss of self. This is not a "I've gotta go to India or to Tibet to 'find' myself" shit. No this is a total loss of character and being.
Does anyone relate to this?
