Recovery1st
New Here
So I've been doing EMDR for about 2-2 1/2 months now, to try to deal with and heal from a lot of childhood emotional neglect and verbal abuse and severe childhood sexual abuse. I dissociated when being abused and I still do it as an adult. I totally know what it's all about. I never forgot about any of my 10 family members, 1 family friend or the dentist that sexually abused me from age 3 to 13. But during an EMDR session, I had a very intense flashback episode that I had a very difficult time coming out of and getting grounded from and back to reality. It was not like any I've ever experienced before. It was about my first time being abused when I was 3yo. I was raped by 3 of my teenaged cousins. Anyway, a memory I'd had blocked came back. My step grandma, who was my favorite grandma and I was her favorite and she didn't hide it from anyone, including the other kids. We went camping and fishing and I got to travel with them and spend nights and sometimes a few weeks with them, and we cooked and baked together. I trusted her more than anyone in the world. She was my everything. She was my only safe place in the world. But the memories of her telling me to and then helping me to take off my panties when I slept with her, came back. But more than that were the flood of mixed emotions that came rushing back with the memories. I can understand, after reading "The Body Keeps The Score" why that is the memory I blocked all these years. It was the most devastating, confusing, heartbreaking betrayal of all my perpetrators. But even now since I had the memory return, it's totally destroyed all my great memories and the only safe place and person I ever thought it had in my life. So I've felt disconnected from my body and the people and world around me. And numb. I've never felt like this. I'm usually a very emotional person first of all, and I'm just numb. I do break l down on occasion, but mostly numb. And disconnected....I don't really know other then that word, how to explain it. I just don't feel right. Not real. And I'm assuming it's because I obviously still can't deal with or process the memory about my grandma. It's just too devastating. It's so much more than just about the abuse. It's been weeks of feeling like this though. Not like when I dissociate and it goes away. Anyone know anything about it or howlooking it lasts. Or how I can get grounded and connected again and start feeling again. Never thought I'd say that. But this is just too weird and uncomfortable.