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Depersonalization? Its not my usual dissociation. Whats going on?

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Recovery1st

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So I've been doing EMDR for about 2-2 1/2 months now, to try to deal with and heal from a lot of childhood emotional neglect and verbal abuse and severe childhood sexual abuse. I dissociated when being abused and I still do it as an adult. I totally know what it's all about. I never forgot about any of my 10 family members, 1 family friend or the dentist that sexually abused me from age 3 to 13. But during an EMDR session, I had a very intense flashback episode that I had a very difficult time coming out of and getting grounded from and back to reality. It was not like any I've ever experienced before. It was about my first time being abused when I was 3yo. I was raped by 3 of my teenaged cousins. Anyway, a memory I'd had blocked came back. My step grandma, who was my favorite grandma and I was her favorite and she didn't hide it from anyone, including the other kids. We went camping and fishing and I got to travel with them and spend nights and sometimes a few weeks with them, and we cooked and baked together. I trusted her more than anyone in the world. She was my everything. She was my only safe place in the world. But the memories of her telling me to and then helping me to take off my panties when I slept with her, came back. But more than that were the flood of mixed emotions that came rushing back with the memories. I can understand, after reading "The Body Keeps The Score" why that is the memory I blocked all these years. It was the most devastating, confusing, heartbreaking betrayal of all my perpetrators. But even now since I had the memory return, it's totally destroyed all my great memories and the only safe place and person I ever thought it had in my life. So I've felt disconnected from my body and the people and world around me. And numb. I've never felt like this. I'm usually a very emotional person first of all, and I'm just numb. I do break l down on occasion, but mostly numb. And disconnected....I don't really know other then that word, how to explain it. I just don't feel right. Not real. And I'm assuming it's because I obviously still can't deal with or process the memory about my grandma. It's just too devastating. It's so much more than just about the abuse. It's been weeks of feeling like this though. Not like when I dissociate and it goes away. Anyone know anything about it or howlooking it lasts. Or how I can get grounded and connected again and start feeling again. Never thought I'd say that. But this is just too weird and uncomfortable.
 
So sorry for the late reply! Every once in awhile it’s like a thread goes all ninja and becomes bulletproof and invisible.

Since posting this have you spoken with your EMDR therapist about this? Had any movement on it?

She was my only safe place in the world

Losing this kind of internal tether can be one of those nasty shocks that rocks people to their core... regardless of any other disorder running the show. The kind of thing that can last for weeks/months all on its own.

Adding in a disorder like PTSD? Can complicate things, or simplify them -oddly enough- but either way I would think not having some kind of big reaction would be more worrying, if it helps at all. The sudden distance may even -especially if you’ve got a good therapist- actually allow you to find your sense of self / strength in the wake of potentially shattering information. One of those self protective measures actually being useful in the moment, allowing you to shore yourself back up, after having suddenly lost one of the load bearing walls... rather than simply collapsing.
 
So sorry for the late reply! Every once in awhile it’s like a thread goes all ninja and becomes bulletproof and invisible.

Since posting this have you spoken with your EMDR therapist about this? Had any movement on it?



Losing this kind of internal tether can be one of those nasty shocks that rocks people to their core... regardless of any other disorder running the show. The kind of thing that can last for weeks/months all on its own.

Adding in a disorder like PTSD? Can complicate things, or simplify them -oddly enough- but either way I would think not having some kind of big reaction would be more worrying, if it helps at all. The sudden distance may even -especially if you’ve got a good therapist- actually allow you to find your sense of self / strength in the wake of potentially shattering information. One of those self protective measures actually being useful in the moment, allowing you to shore yourself back up, after having suddenly lost one of the load bearing walls... rather than simply collapsing.

Thank you for responding. And yes I did see my therapist.
My therapist said it called depersonalization. And
basically, the memory is still too much/hard for me to deal with and it's a defense mechanism. We tried to process the memory in EMDR so it wouldn't effect me so intensely but my mind completely shut down and refused to process or deal with it at all. So we've put that one on the back burner for now. She said it seems that I'm grieving about the loss of my only safe place and loss and betrayal of the only person I trusted in the world more than the actual abuse it's self. I think she's right. I'm getting little moments where I can feel emotions and empathy and deep love and appreciation for my bf, but I go right back to feeling numb again.
 
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