Hm, yes - I do know about these from another helpful friend. But was unsure about asking him to do that. The AA family meetings when I was going were all quite along the lines of either accepting their behaviour or leaving, or at least that was my impression, though as the meetings are not about giving or getting advice, it's really hard to know if my impression was correct ?? And the online forum I did go to were all like LEAVE HIM HES NO GOOD, but this is the man who gave me and my kids the tools and support to heal from our own traumas, so no I didn't want to just leave him. So I never did get any good advice. But thanks for the reminder about that as a tool Friday.
This sounds so like me. I am great at work. Work is a huge distraction for me. The fact that I can work and work well while being so non-functional in general and any place but work is really confusing but I am able to compartmentalize at work. I do it automatically and I do it very well. The trauma, the instability, all PTSD symptoms except for anxiety which has escaped the boxes, are in these mental boxes and numbed off while at work. It happens automatically without me even trying to. I think it has something to do with needing to work after my trauma and forcing myself to work and that ended up with super awesome compartmentalizing skills.
Trouble speaking is one thing I also struggle with when even triggered let alone dissociated. When I am disocciated, people tell me that my eyes go glossy and then I am "gone" mentally. And I may look drunk and disoriented. I also may say weird things and middle of a thought thing cause, again, my mind is somewhere else. And if I am between the two places, I may say weird things. Half way between the two type of thing. Or simply watching the present reality.
Thank you so much for this feedback - that's exactly the kind of thing I'm trying to understand, what it's like from the inside, to put stuff in context. It sounds so much like him. I think he is quite wary of telling me what it's like in his head because he thinks I'll think he's mad. I won't. And anyway some of the nicest people I know are mad.
He has often said he has used work as a focus and distraction - much like outside of work he is always frantically involved in some or other project, never still - also distraction. So it's at the end of the day, when these activities slow or stop, that it gets him. He used to immediately start drinking, and it's not even that he would drink a lot - he's a really cheap drunk lol. So he has obviously used alcohol since a young age to "escape" - the only trouble is that it's not an escape at all, it switches off his only defense against the memories - his frontal cortex - and leaves him totally exposed to the past and the trauma (childhood stuff and beyond, some pre-memory). And then it can get really messy. So he listened when I first started pointing that out, but of course, it's old habit, and he was desperate for relief from his brain, so he would regress to a drink, and then I would be upset because it's only made it worse for all of us. I guess my experience of him drunk is almost one and the same as dissociation, because it's where even one beer would take him. So maybe he wasn't even really drunk after one beer, but dissociated. And maybe that's where it's really hard for me to distinguish. So he might genuinely not be drinking but the dissociation might make it appear almost the same to me.
So this conversation has been really helpful for me to untangle stuff. My summary now would be - PTSD is definitely part of it, I already knew that. It was the dissociation and alcohol entanglement I couldn't work out. So my understanding now would be that alcohol triggers almost immediate dissociation, but dissociation can happen without alcohol. Which then gives me some tools for working out how I approach it as a supporter - he now has some tools from his therapist, which he has shared with me, so I can, say, remind him to listen to observers when he's not seeing it himself. And he has been given tools for grounding, including to seek the trigger. In conversation yesterday, he did work out what the trigger has been, and hopefully dealt with it, but he wouldn't have known to do that if I hadn't made him stop and look at what was happening. Which I think is a healthy role. I can hold boundaries, which helps us all, and he knows he just can't do alcohol at all. And I will hold him to that. I'll consider the breathalyser idea if needed, although I could do with some perspectives on that. It seems quite intrusive??
Speaking of intrusive
I don't know that it always has to be controling the information. The relationship a person has with their therapist can be really strong and having anyone in there could cause someone to close up and not speak 100% truth because of someone else being in there. You say things to a therapist that you would never dare say to another soul. You'd want to protect that and so many maybe reluctant to allow someone else in for all sessions. Maybe a session or two but certianly not all of them.
You're totally right. I guess that wasn't very fair. But no I would never want to be part of the whole process, I'm respectful of what he wants to tell me or doesn't in terms of his trauma. So just enough couple time for me to understand how to manage as his partner, although I feel like I have a lot more insight already.
PS. I checked in with him about his work, and it was clear that he does have supports in place. They defo know about his stuff and work around it. A lot of therapists are peer support so it can't be uncommon. And he has in the past turned down a promotion when he knew he wasn't in a good place to do the work, so I'm confident that side is covered.
Thank you all, I'm so glad I came and asked!
Edit: spelling edit for clarity
