I don't know what I'm doing but I need to put this down somewhere

goosegoose

Learning
Hey Goosegoose how are you?
Replying to both you and @StillPen , I did consider a crisis chat but my experience with them has been kinda iffy in general. Thank you both and everyone else who's been checking in and stuff :(

I feel okay right now, still deep in self hatred and depression but I got dressed, ate a small amount of food. Idk. Just floating. I'm trying to see the positives in the situation re: my therapist terminating. I'm not actually sure we were a good match, or if I was even ready for DBT. There were pros and cons but I thought that the pros outweighed the cons? I'm just so confused about everything
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
my experience with them has been kinda iffy in general.
I have called the crisis line more times than I can count. I recognize some of the CP’s and one remembers me. Let me tell you that it is a roll of the dice—like Forrest Gump said, “You never know what you’re going to get.” Recognizing that not every person is going to be a gold star helper is useful. Because just calling the crisis line is a huge win in my book! It took me years of thinking about it before I called the first time. And I was so afraid that I hung up several times before ever allowing someone to try helping me. I also fawned a bunch, and tried to get off as soon as possible. The first time I let someone help me and allowed myself to feel her care it threw me into a massive dissociative episode afterward.

So many baby steps— So many opportunities to practice self-forgiveness! I encourage you to recognize that if you get to this point,
you should just do it, just do it, f*cking do it, why not just do it
That’s a good sign to call. You deserve to be listened to when you feel pressed up against the wall by your own defenses.

One down side is that you don’t have a therapist to follow up with, and crisis lines usually want you to do that for SI calls—they will give you referrals if you don’t have a regular T. Glad you have the EMDR T at least. Did your previous T give you referrals? Can the EMDR T give you referrals? Are you searching? Don’t give up. BPD does not carry the stigma it used to have, now it’s recognized as a trauma response, and if it is daunting for the T they’re probably not trained to support you with your needs.
I'm not actually sure we were a good match, or if I was even ready for DBT.
This is good to see you considering. It doesn’t sound like a good match from what you’ve written.
 

goosegoose

Learning
Uh that's such an uncomfortable place :( I know you need to accept love to yourself, just not sure what that can be for you right now. Gentle hugs. :( listening.
Thank you, it means a lot :((

I'm really not sure what accepting self love would even look or feel like. I can imagine and also act on like taking a bubble bath or watching a favorite TV show but it's all physical actions. The internal dialogue while physically doing things hasn't been able to catch up.

Apologies if this was more of a response than you were expecting!
 

Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
Donations
$125.00
Thank you, it means a lot :((

I'm really not sure what accepting self love would even look or feel like. I can imagine and also act on like taking a bubble bath or watching a favorite TV show but it's all physical actions. The internal dialogue while physically doing things hasn't been able to catch up.

Apologies if this was more of a response than you were expecting!
Oh no worries at all I truly love to talk.

Do you have negative self talk? Put yourself down? Turn away from things you like easily because you don't feel good enough? Or is it something else?
 

goosegoose

Learning
I have called the crisis line more times than I can count. I recognize some of the CP’s and one remembers me. Let me tell you that it is a roll of the dice—like Forrest Gump said, “You never know what you’re going to get.” Recognizing that not every person is going to be a gold star helper is useful. Because just calling the crisis line is a huge win in my book! It took me years of thinking about it before I called the first time. And I was so afraid that I hung up several times before ever allowing someone to try helping me. I also fawned a bunch, and tried to get off as soon as possible. The first time I let someone help me and allowed myself to feel her care it threw me into a massive dissociative episode afterward.

So many baby steps— So many opportunities to practice self-forgiveness! I encourage you to recognize that if you get to this point,

That’s a good sign to call. You deserve to be listened to when you feel pressed up against the wall by your own defenses.

One down side is that you don’t have a therapist to follow up with, and crisis lines usually want you to do that for SI calls—they will give you referrals if you don’t have a regular T. Glad you have the EMDR T at least. Did your previous T give you referrals? Can the EMDR T give you referrals? Are you searching? Don’t give up. BPD does not carry the stigma it used to have, now it’s recognized as a trauma response, and if it is daunting for the T they’re probably not trained to support you with your needs.

This is good to see you considering. It doesn’t sound like a good match from what you’ve written.
Those are a lot of good points about the crisis lines. There's actually someone I recognize on my end, and they've been a little helpful in the past. Definitely can relate to you going into dissociation after letting someone care for you. A few years back when I was still doing in person sessions with the best T I've ever had, she was ushering me out the door and she like kind of waved her hand a little, not at me, just showing gentle body language but my body jerked away from her so strongly that I almost hit the door frame. I kinda laughed awkwardly and gave her finger guns then bolted the hell out of there.

What kind of referrals would I be given if I told the chat line I didn't have a T? I'm not really interested in meeting with anyone since I'm meeting with someone soon anyways. My previous T was the one who helped me connect with this EMDR T I'm meeting with soon and I'm really grateful for that. I guess I'm gonna have to ask the new T what we should do moving forward since the plan will be so different. Still super anxious about this person's impression of me but maybe that's where I'm f*cking myself over.

This is about to be a rant and I'm so sorry. I've never met a T who was a solid/qualified T but also not a good match for me? It's making me feel confused because if they're a good T and we like each other, why would it then be a bad fit? I feel like it's just my own fault for being combative. It's also making me anxious like to talk about the cons with her because it makes me feel like I'm just searching for negatives or not taking accountability. But I feel like partly why I'm so upset about my T terminating is because I really need someone to remind me of techniques and tools in the moment, verbal cues of like "step 1, now step 2." I'm in a really rudimentary place with my mental health and I'm sad that my baby steps were just way too small for her. As in, she thought she was taking baby steps with me but she was trying to stride whereas I'm a Tiptoer. I just felt like she was constantly disappointed with my progress but maybe that's projecting, irdk. There were times where I felt like she felt I was being not genuine or like fake and I'm sure she was probably just confused with my wording or something but I just felt like a turtle going into my shell. There were a lot of moments I felt misgendered but not able to say anything. But even after writing these things I still feel like "well no, this is still my fault"
 

goosegoose

Learning
Oh no worries at all I truly love to talk.

Do you have negative self talk? Put yourself down? Turn away from things you like easily because you don't feel good enough? Or is it something else?
Kind of a mix of all of the above but at different moments. The negative self talk is there mostly when I'm really depressed or having SI. I was actually kind of surprised, I was thinking about it recently and I don't really have...any self talk? If I do, it's shaming or guilting myself typically. There's a "something else" category in there still, I just don't know what
 

Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
Donations
$125.00
Kind of a mix of all of the above but at different moments. The negative self talk is there mostly when I'm really depressed or having SI. I was actually kind of surprised, I was thinking about it recently and I don't really have...any self talk? If I do, it's shaming or guilting myself typically. There's a "something else" category in there still, I just don't know what
Sure I understand. It can be quite the mess to sort through. But you're doing it. And I'm happy for you!

It helps me to write out the negative thoughts/beliefs

Then read them once I've calmed down/leveled out. And ask myself if they are true.

How you feel is pretty normal for our situations.
Listening as you sort it out!
 
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