Depression and fears

[Deleted member 44394]

I feel like I've finally found something that describes what I have been dealing with - a cluster of symptoms or things, that nobody or doctor could find or narrow it down to or understand. It seems like there's a bunch wrong with me, like once the circuit shorts out the system doesn't work right again, has quirks of all kinds and has a lot of problems. I have depression. I have fear problems, I freak out over everything and have phobias and fears all the time over nothing. I go in circles - I used to do this a lot more than now. I was shy. I used to get embarrased and was hard on myself. I was sensitive. It seems a lot of this was just inherent or biological in me, maybe it was learned, how do I know? Anyways, with the backdrop of ptsd it's helped me to understand the comprehensive understanding of my symptoms, especially fear related ones such as anxiety/ obsessive fears, the phobic strange thoughts and ocd. I never used to have these "pre trauma". I feel it's reactionary and it's sort of like a heightened nervous system aftereffects. It's unavoidable. My biggest problem now is rage, and depression. I have rage attacks and they have gotten way worse in the last few months, especially I don't know why. Once the floodgates open that's it.
I can clearly see how my depression has shaped my thoughts - and the link to feeling, powerless - how that's affected me. I can see it all now as I get older. The depression is the ultimate worst because it shapes who you are and changes your perception of the world, in ways that don't help you. I have so many negative thoughts, that I am now questioning - that I once took as granted. I used to blame things around me, but realize that it's my thoughts that are creating that. For some reason I feel incredibly weak, is that a symptom of depression? Weak as in, just that like nothing will work out, that I'm weak and don't have the strength, I feel low down and my self esteem is low.
I have a history of mental illness in my family, and I think honestly it's it. I think I got it the worst for some reason out of my family. It was from my Dad's Moms' side, that whole family has something, some problem with them; everyone in the family has depression/anxiety or some sort of being off somehow, hate to say it, but facts are facts. I don't know what it is either. I just know it resembles depression/anxiety.

Anyways, going to read Dr. Burns Feeling Good book. That will help with the depression. Has anyone any suggestions for rage and how to control it?


Thanks,

I get hung up on certain thoughts that are very painful for me - and they are repeating. I have poor impulse control, hyperactive, basically all kinds of problems. It's like the worst way to be a human, ever. I have ocd. I have insane irrational fears, it's basically as if someone has drained all the serotonin out of my head. I think I just shattered when I was young and just never recovered, maybe it was meant to be?
Anyways, to give an example, I used to live in Europe and travel all over when I was young. Sometimes, I think and get sad whenever I think about it, I have one thought that repeats over and over that I can't get over. I think that I'd be happier over there and not here. I dwell on that...and start obsessing over that. I have a few dozen of these things like this. It drives me crazy and they have lasted for years. Literally decades. What gives?
I think it's a matter of self talk, but I don't know.

I'm also not ruling out brain damage from vaccines, I was heavily vaccinated as a kid from all the international moving I did every two years. I think this may have had an impact, not sure. Anyways, taking 5htp and working on my depression, with my thoughts.
Does anyone else feel like an evil gremlin has taken over their mind, one that just uses fear?

 

[Friday]

My biggest problem now is rage, and depression. I have rage attacks and they have gotten way worse in the last few months, especially I don't know why. Once the floodgates open that's it.

I get hung up on certain thoughts that are very painful for me - and they are repeating. I have poor impulse control, hyperactive, basically all kinds of problems. It's like the worst way to be a human, ever.

From a PTSD perspective, beyond the depression, it sounds like you're mostly talking about dysregulation (we have a whole forum for that, it's very much a part of PTSD, although how people dysregulate varies // there's a lot of crossover... Lots & lots of tips/tricks/advice). Both with the depression & anger, as well as the impulse control & ruminations, anxiety & panic attacks (fear & rage // fight & flight), etc.

I have ocd.

How this piece fits in? I don't know. I know ADHD+PTSD very well, but OCD+PTSD isn't in my wheelhouse. We have several members who are either comorbid or very edumacated in it, though, so I'd definitely touch base with them. :) Look for the OCD tag in "Other Disorders", for a super quick way to connect.

Anyways, going to read Dr. Burns Feeling Good book. That will help with the depression. Has anyone any suggestions for rage and how to control it?

Dealing with anger <<< This.

 

[Deleted member 44394]

Thank you for this. Thank you a lot, seriously.