Depression Help

[LexiRose]

If my trauma that took place wasn't at a church, but the people involved are associated with a particular church, if I shut down when the topic is brought up, would this be related to my trauma?

For example, my boyfriend is a part of the same organization, and I feel like I'm not being a good girlfriend to him because church is very important to him. But I feel like I can't talk to him about it, because every time he brings up church, I will shut down completely, and try to change the topic. My heart will jump in my chest honestly, when the topic is brought up. It just feels like a sinking feeling inside of me. it hurts me to know that he probably feels like he can't talk about what is most important to him. It took me a long time, but I attend the church where the trauma took place, and it's really hard at times. I really don't participate in the service much, and just try to get out as quickly as possible. I think the majority of the reason I attend here is for my boyfriend.

What should I do in this situation? I don't want to lose my boyfriend.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But I feel like I can't talk to him about it, because every time he brings up church, I will shut down completely, and try to change the topic.

Can you tell him at least that something traumatic or bad or however you want to frame that took place w/ some of the church goers or even someone/people in A church?

The reason i ask (though i do have early trauma in a church) is cuz im always upset that my dad & step mom arent supportive but tho my dad knows some stuff, he doesnt know the really bad stuff, (tho my step mom does know) and before i told my dad more id be all upset and my therapist said "why dont you tell them"; no no i cant do that. He'd say "well thats like asking someone to grade a movie or book 5 stars that they havent seen or read; they cant understand if they only have part of the story."

I myself went slow w/ that based on my trauma & my dad, his age, & his constant state of denial/dont want to see his part in it; but slowly over time ive told him more and more (actually helped when he'd watch dr phil episodes w/ me on where he was playing a story of something i went thru for some reason); but if you want (and i know you do) for your BF to undersrand why you have that reaction; and really in my opinion its part of getting better anyway (learn to not run from what hurts/terrifies us) then you have to tell him something, even if that something is "i was hurt by some church members and that topic really panicks me", im sure he'll understand that! ;)

 

[Reply]

Thank you for your comment :) this thing is, he knows about it already. And I think that makes it even harder because he doesn't understand why I have the reactions I do. He thinks I should just be able and pray and move on. If it were that easy, I would have done that by now.

It was a guy I was dating in that church abused me emotionally, and sexually. That was traumatic for me, but on top of that, when I went to church leadership, they actually thought it was my fault and blamed the whole experience on me. The whole thing was extremely traumatic, especially to hear that it was my fault that I was sexually assaulted.

So, my current boyfriend does know about this trauma. But we are still having conflict in our relationship over it.

Thank you for your story, I'm glad you understand:) I hope things get better for you too.

 

[Friday]

I tend to call this triggery-stress-ish-ness ;) It's technically a stressor, rather than a trigger, but... Shrug. Treatment* is the same. IME stressors are both easier & more complicated. ((Easier because there isn't a direct link, more complicated because my durn brain has decided to link the 2 things together anyway, and that's always a tangled pain in the ass to unravel all the places it's decided to superglue to Warning! Achtung! Alert! Alarm! ... Because they sure do crop up in weird ass ways and places.))

* Check this article out :)
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/how-to-use-triggers-as-a-means-to-recovery.87557/

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I tend to call this triggery-stress-ish-ness

Hehe! You always make me laugh! I once had my own dictonary, things that arent words but should be. We should start a PTSD dictonary w/ "words" AND defintions like this!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

He thinks I should just be able and pray and move on. If it were that easy, I would have done that by now.

Well thats an entire different situation.

What id do? Id find a new and MUCH more understanding BF, or at least let him know you dont 'just get over' ANY trauma.

I'll kick his ass for you! ;)

I dunno, thats a hard one. Thats why i dont want to tell my dad more than he knows; deny, deny, deny...and why cant you just push it away and move on. Ummm, supressing is never good. But im sorta stuck w/ my dad ;)

Now for the first time for the night im at a loss for encouraging words. You want to stay w/ him but yet he doesnt get it. Maybe show him some material about PTSD? I have an AWESOME sourcebook (not that my parents will ever read it) but if you maybe google stuff for him and show him that prayer doesnt work for EVERYTHING (not putting down prayer or anything) but god did put therapists there for a reason now didnt he?

I hope you find the answer sweetie and im so sorry the church blamed you (partely why i hate religon most days). I got a :hug: if that helps any?

 

[Reply]

I tend to call this triggery-stress-ish-ness ;) It's technically a stressor, rather than a trigger,...

Would it be a trigger if I go to the particular church where the boyfriend who assaulted me attends there? And the same leadership who treated me like that are still there? Just trying to figure out why I have the reactions.

 

[Reply]

Well thats an entire different situation.

What id do? Id find a new and MUCH more understand...

Thank you for your help :) I'm at a loss about what to do as well. Because I have tried to show him articles, and i know he will probably never understand.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thank you for your help :) I'm at a loss about what to do as well. Because I have tried to show him articles, and i know he will probably never understand.

I can totally relate as my dad is that way along with denying and not believing it all really happened (and he owns part of it) and im stuck w/ my dad so i had to just accept that he wont ever get it and stopped talking to him about it. Not to say it wasnt painful as it was VERY painful, it was very hard, and took what seemed forever and my therapist constantly telling me my dad is small minded (which is very true) but finally just came to accept it. But until i did i was stuck.

I wouldnt be caught dead in a f*cking church due to my trauma therefore i dont think you should force yourself to go just because he doesnt get it. Im not saying forever as eventually you should start to ease yourself back in (a different church) especially if spirituality is important to you but right now it sounds like its making it eoese or keeping you stuck.

There are plently of even married couples where one goes and the other doesnt and so maybe this has to be some accepting on your end as you cant force him to get it or think or do certian things and then telling him you arent comfortable going to church w/ him, only did it for him anyway and that you dont mind if he goes. I just think its unhealthy and to try to get better while being retraimatized just about every week isnt gonna help the getting better.

And if he cant accept that sweetie, i know you dont want to but you may need to let him go. This isnt healthy or helping you one bit.

I know thats not much help but im an honest person and its likely the best things to do for YOU, because you is what matters. :hug: