Depression, Rage, And Passive Suicidality

[F_uckYourselves]

I feel like I've been decompensating fast and furious in the last month or so. I've been feeling passively suicidal. Not like I actually want to kill myself or even necessarily be dead, but like I'd prefer to just stop existing. I've lost the capacity to feel much of anything except for anger, and anger is always right beneath the surface. It takes nothing to set me off, and when I do I go from zero to a hundred in the blink of an eye. The rage is overwhelming. I feel like I hate everyone and everything. The other day I even self-harmed just to cut through the fog of it, which isn't something I ordinarily do. The pain brought instant relief, but afterward I wished I hadn't done it. Luckily, I've since found that I can get the same effect from watching very graphic horror movies. I guess seeing a realistic injury stimulates a similar part of the brain as self-inflicting one? I'm not sure, but if it works I'll take it.

Before anybody asks, I'm already in therapy. I've had one session with my new T and I'm seeing her again on Sunday. I hope she can give me some strategies to get past this because I'm sick of feeling like this all the time. It's f*cking boring.

 

[Ronin]

Anything more productive to do with the anger?

Something that makes you feel how alive you are & what you're facing is manageable & you're on it, energized and vitality?

(Basically thinking of how anger feels when it's not the muddy shading one, and if you can get there, to how anger feels for you when it's a healthy anger, by doing something healthy with it from where you are.)

 

[ladee]

While you are finding ways to do something productive with the rage. Hopefully your T will help you to get to the core issues. And help you to understand what you are feeling is normal and not right or wrong
Feelings of rage was my best friend until I started to learn the causes and new ways to direct or even just feel it. You sound self disciplined and are bored and ready to move on.
Wish you well Sunday and try to be kind to yourself even if you don't like you a lot right now.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@551 When I was full on PTSD, I had no other emotion other than rage/anger. Just someone looking at me would bring it out full force. I was a walking bitch, ready to fight, and did... Many times. Got my ass kicked a few times too....

It will take time and energy on your part, to figure it all out, but it can and will get better with you working through your trauma. In the meantime how about taking up boxing, kickboxing, punching pillows until they fall apart. Just anything that will expend the energy that comes with the anger. I know those aren't very ladylike hobbies, but neither is the anger, but they may prove more effective. Good luck!