Depression, Safe Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts

[Blackjack]

I am at the end of my tether. I am a laughing stock. I am deeply depressed. I am excessively anxious. I think about dark actions constantly. I don't want to be me any more. I can't do it.
I care for and worry about people that don't want me to care for or worry about them. I am a nuisance to others. I hate me. I hate me so much. I so want to help people, to support them, care for them but they won't let me. They just push me away. I am never good enough.
I am a total nuisance in chat here. I do nothing but be miserable and it's not fair to the lovely folk there.
I cry and cry and cry inside but I smile on the outside as its what people around me want. They don't care how I feel. I keep trying and trying to cope, carry on and be strong.
I can't face the anniversary on my own. People think it shouldn't matter any more but it's ripping me into a thousand bits. They just don't care what it's doing to me. The images haunt me badly. Very badly. Nobody should have to see a decapitated body. The body of someone you knew. They didn't care at the time, nobody was there for me, nobody wanted to know and it's the same now. I am alone with it.
I need help, I really do. I need someone to be there for me.
I will regret writing this I am sure but it's how things are.

 

[Jung in the JUNGle]

Wow man have some compassion for yourself. Beating yourself up so much isn't going to help.

Sounds as though you take rejection pretty hard?
It is making you take up a false persona to please others in the hope of being accepted. What is strange about that is because people do not feel you are being genuine and they switch off. your paradox is that you believe you can 't be yourself given your depressive frame of mind and your cheerful front isn't working on attracting people to interact with.

What is it you are looking for or needing from others?
In the Jungian world (I am a Jungian Psych) these are called projections and are typically compensatory. That is you can't find it within yourself so you look outside. there is an old saying if you can't love yourself you won't find it in anything external.

what are you referring to when you speak of a decapitated head?

NEVER regret being honest about how you feel, just be careful who you tell!

 

[LanaD]

"I so want to help people, to support them, care for them but they won't let me."

Sounds like you need to care for YOU first and that you're not doing that. I'm working on staying away from the darkness myself and hating ourselves is *not* the way to go. We do need others to be there for us but *we* also need to be there for us. I strongly suggest you start treating yourself with kindness this very moment. That is your first step away from the darkness.

I'm no therapist, only a fellow "depressee" (though a fighting one!) and my suggestion would be for you to make yourself as comfortable as possible right now and write down 5 things you like about yourself. And definitely reach out to the Samaritan hotline or whatever suicide hotline is in your area. If you're not yet, start seeing a therapist asap.

 

[shimmerz]

what are you referring to when you speak of a decapitated head?

You realize that you are on a trauma forum? People here have seen things that you couldn't even imagine. I don't know that asking for specifics and details about one's past trauma is prudent here.

Are you trained in trauma at all?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I am never good enough.

I feel that way, too. No matter what I do, I am never good enough.

I am a total nuisance in chat here. I do nothing but be miserable and it's not fair to the lovely folk there.
I cry and cry and cry inside but I smile on the outside as its what people around me want. They don't care how I feel. I keep trying and trying to cope, carry on and be strong.

I understand this, too. Here's what I am trying to learn. Sometimes we are able to support others and sometimes it's our turn to lean on others for support. This is a place for support. I don't know if you have anyone you feel comfortable enough to lean on for support outside of the forum, but sometimes it's worth taking the risk. Often people don't know how to help. Some people do truly not care and some people really do care and want to help, but have no idea what to do or say so avoiding the topic is easier.

I can't face the anniversary on my own. People think it shouldn't matter any more but it's ripping me into a thousand bits.

Ditto once again. I am in anniversary mode. The actual date just past, but I consider the anniversary to be a 4 month period in this particular case. But people don't understand that it still affects me to the degree that it does. And it feels like I will explode from the pain of everything related to it, that came after it, and that I currently have to deal with in life.

You aren't alone and you don't have to apologize for being you.

 

[Blackjack]

Wow man have some compassion for yourself. Beating yourself up so much isn't going to help....

Jung In The Jungle, when I speak of a decapitated head I speak of the worst part of my trauma incident, the anniversary of which is approaching.
I was very closely involved with a light aircraft crash inwhich the two pilots died. I had to go to the scene of the crash and identify them in the wreckage. I knew both men. One of them had been decapitated in the crash. It was something nobody should have to see or go through. I hope this answers your question!
Although I do not wish to appear rude maybe a little bit more thought should be applied before writing such a probing question on a forum like this where most people carry awful mental scars from deeply traumatic events

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Jung in the JUNGle , I agree with what @shimmerz . And what does it matter what @Blackjack means by a decapitated head? Just those two words are enough to know it was cause trauma to see that.

 

[Jung in the JUNGle]

You realize that you are on a trauma forum? People here have seen things that you couldn't even imagi...

Ah yes i have fairly good awareness skills (knowing where i am typing) along with 3 degrees including post grad in Jungian Psychology, have been a practising Analyst for 15 years and i currently run a Harm Minimisation Program for Vets with PTSD in the Amazon which is based on a Research Framework published on academia.edu, if you are interested to check it out. I also have several PhD candidates coming to study with me on my research team for their doctorates.

My question was because the comment lacked context, ie was it a dream, did i come across a guy without a head, etc to try to elicit some further diagnostic indicators, so that i could offer some accurate analysis.

you will find i can imagine just about anything as the Jungian method has a broad ontological framework :)

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

My question was because the comment lacked context, ie was it a dream, did i come across a guy without a head, etc to try to elicit some further diagnostic indicators, so that i could offer some accurate analysis.

Support is one thing, but it's my understanding that this is not a place for getting diagnostic indicators and trying analyze other people on here. Encouragement, advice, support, letting people know they aren't alone. I don't think asking for details of a trauma is appropriate as lots of people don't want to get into the details or aren't ready to.

 

[Jung in the JUNGle]

@Jung in the JUNGle , I agree with what @shimmerz ....

actually to a trained Jungian Analyst it means everything as it is a trauma encapsulator that can be reverse engineered into causal indicators, but needs context to elicit the inherent symbology and sensate imagery and thus provide a meaningful answer to the question

 

[joeylittle]

@Jung in the JUNGle - sometimes it's helpful to click on someone's profile and see if they've made an introduction post, where you can usually get a brief context for their trauma. Helps when deciphering where folks are coming from/what they are referring to.

Practitioners are welcome; but do remember that this forum is fundamentally about peer support, not about online treatment. And if you've got questions, feel free to message me.

Let's get the thread back to @Blackjack, thanks.

My question was because the comment lacked context, ie was it a dream, did i come across a guy without a head, etc to try to elicit some further diagnostic indicators, so that i could offer some accurate analysis.

Ask questions to learn more to better support, not to provide analysis. I'm sure you are experienced enough to read cues in a poster and use some judgement.

 

[Blackjack]

@joeylittle thank you for stepping in.

This is an awfully hard week for me and I am struggling greatly so those kind of comments are not exactly helpful or welcome. They just felt like an attack. Thanks again Joeylittle