Desire Sexual Punishment

[void]

I am once again requesting no side conversations in my thread. Please take side conversations (wh...

@EveHarrington
....and the communication of boundaries and clear expression of your feelings, which you just did, is VERY good.:tup:
Keep up the good work.:tup:

 

[EveHarrington]

Thank you @void !

I shouldn't have to feel ashamed for standing up for myself and saying that I deserve to have a voice, too! I am here to improve myself just as everyone else is and I deserve a space to talk out my issues without being overrun by side chatter, regardless of the persons intentions.

Again, thank you!

 

[Anarchy]

Eve,
Sending you unconditional hugs if you'll accept them
@

 

[Lionheart]

@EveHarrington I hope that something I said was helpful to you! It was really difficult for me to share that information about myself and the compulsion I had to re-enact abuse trauma. Hopefully, that is not your struggle, but if it is then I hope I helped and if it is not then, I am sorry for detracting from your thread and I will remain silent on the subject.

 

[void]

Thank you @void !

I shouldn't have to feel ashamed for standing up for myself...

You are welcome, @EveHarrington :happy:

What you are internalizing and expressing is further elaborated in the....

"Personal Bill of Rights

1. I have numerous choices in my life beyond mere survival.
2. I have the right to discover and know my Child Within.
3. I have the right to grieve over what I didn't get that I needed or what I got that I didn't need or want.
4. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
5. I have the right to recognize and accept my own value system as appropriate.
6. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe or it violates my values.
7. I have th right to dignity and respect.
8. I have the right to make decisions.
9. I have the right to determine and honor my own priorities.
10. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
11. I have the right to terminate conversations with people who make me feel put down and humiliated.
12. I have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
13. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
14. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
15. I have the right to all of my feelings.
16. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
17. I have the right to be uniquely me, without feeling that I'm not good enough.
18. I have the right to feel scared and to say, "I'm afraid."
19. I have the right to experience and then to let go of fear, guilt and shame.
20. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings, my judgment or any reason I choose.
21. I have the right to change my mind at any time.
22. I have the right to be happy.
23. I have the right to stability, i.e., "roots" and stable healthy relationships of my choice.
24. I have the right to my own personal space and time needs.
25. I have the right to be relaxed, playful and frivolous.
26. I have the right to be flexible and comfortable with doing so.
27. I have the right to change and grow.
28. I have the right to be open to improve my communications skills so that I may be understood.
29. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
30. I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.
31. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
32. I have the right to take care of myself, no matter what.
33. I have the right to grieve over actual or threatened losses.
34. I have the right to trust others who earn my trust.
35. I have the right to forgive others and to forgive myself.
36. I have the right to give and receive unconditional love."

Source:Link Removed

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These ideas are changing my life.
May they fill you with courage and strength.:happy::hug:


Void

 

[EveHarrington]

Now I'm having dreams about him-----how he actually likes me and wants to spend time with me. What a joke. I'm just unhinged now and want to freak out. Still struggling with the idea that I can have someone who loves me for me, will accept all of me and not just use me for the parts they want.

I realize I sound like the biggest whiner and it probably looks like I am not working on this because I don't come back to post when I'm doing well. Much of the time I'm ok and think that things are going to end up ok and someday I will find someone who actually likes ME. But then I have times when I feel completely hopeless and want to punish myself.

 

[Freeasabird]

@EveHarrington

I did the same thing with multiple men over a period of time. It was a fight to overcome too! I think what helped me the most was understanding my worth and that I didn't need to be punished...I had lived through horrors that were not my fault. I had to repeat several reasons why I was worth while for many years, but finally I broke the shame and guilt that held me trapped.

 

[ghotiff]

Now I'm having dreams about him-----how he actually likes me and wants to spend time with me

I also have dreams where people who are toxic in real life love me in the dream. I find these dreams incredibly disturbing.

For what it's worth, the best thing I've learnt to do is to try and ignore the dreams. Eg throughout the day I will recall the dream and start to feel lots of conflicting emotions...but I say to myself "it was just a dream, I choose not to give it time" then I do something/anything to distract myself from the thoughts.

I try not to give the dream any more attention than dreams about eg being a movie star

To be clear, I'm not suggesting not to post about it, just suggesting to try to push the thoughts out when they pop in uninvited.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hopefully the immediate saga is coming to an end. I still desire punishment---both sexual and physical----but the issues with these two people in particular are coming to a close. The friend violated a huge boundary and there is no going back at this point. (A different boundary, but one that we had actually discussed in the past so there was no ambiguity.) Blocked him everywhere (and he, me as I flipped out after he crossed my sexual boundary----ahem, and had a few choice words for him.) Regardless, even if it was indeed accidental, it's the second in line of pushing my boundaries in a sexual way. First time, ok, mistake, can be understood. Just don't push my sexual boundaries again. Second time? Oh, no! If it was unintentional, it doesn't matter because I need to be around people who are cognizant enough to not run over my sexual boundaries. Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not making excuses for him-----I'm giving the best case scenario (giving him the benefit of the doubt) and saying why it's still pushing my boundaries too far.

The other guy? Apparently the traveling bug has hit him and he's going to be away for another year. That gives me a full year to get strong and move on.

(I'm a major germaphobe and the thought of getting an STI makes me want to puke so I'm not likely to hook up randomly or have one night stands, thank goodness.)

 

[Sideways]

I think it's incredibly brave of you what you've done. It's one thing to set boundaries that we know are protective, but committing to them when they're broken can be so hard. I hope that just ending the possibility to harm yourself brings you some peace.