Desire Sexual Punishment

[scout86]

I can't talk to my therapist about this stuff.

Can you talk to your T about not being able to talk about it? (Might sound weird, but it can be helpful by itself.)

 

[Casper1018]

Just read through this entire thread. I can SO relate to this topic! I have acted out sexually my entire life; in my youth as a sexually reactive child, in my teens and young adult hood with one night stands, then cyber sex, and always by self injurious behavior.... I am now 52 and married (hate having sex with my husband) but act out alone to abuse fantasies, but to much less of a degree than I used to. I finally wrote my T about my behavior, and the shame lifted almost immediately. Telling someone my lifelong "secret" was very freeing, and I learned from her, as you can see from this thread, it is a very common problem to have if you are a victim of CSA. I'm so sorry you are struggling. I share your pain. My hope for you is you can find the courage to tell your T and lift some of the burden you carry.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

The problem is (so far as my own story goes, I hope you can relate) there's so many damned layers

This im finding the same in my own reason i do this.

In my life i do constantly every night crave to be held (but if someone was there to do so fear i wouldnt be able to allow myself to be touched to just be held). But then i also have the part that i call the "child prostitute" (the "hunt" or also known as forceful seduction then the complete turn to fully submissive "do whatever you want" though im not selling it anymore..which is why i call myself a "free prostitute".). Then during sex im after as much pain as possible which is usually more pain than most will do so thats why its common of hurting myself there first so that during its nothing but pain & oddly pleasure. I also almost always pretend its my step father which i find incrediably disgusting, but BSM stuff wouldnt go over (like being tied/handcuffed to a bed, id freak, pin me down or to a wall, i freak...theres a few things that mock my past too much and i freak and dont know why i can re-enact so much of my past but not others).

Then you have the absolute insane porn addiction...or so i call it and though no longer coupled with something else, it remains and its still part of most of my rituals and so i call it an addiction, the hold is much stronger than any addiction ive ever had, i dont know what drives it and why i cant just not go there...and i also dispise porn, it disgustes me...yep i know it doesnt make sense.

I know theres even more layers then that, those are just the top, biggest, most obvious ones. To work through all of that seems almost impossible, though i know it isnt its just very hard and very confusing.

So to say i can relate is an understatement.

 

[anonymous]

I finally wrote my T about my behavior, and the shame lifted almost immediately. Telling someone my lifelong "secret" was very freeing

I'm so glad this was what happened for you.

I told my T a few weeks ago my version (thoughts I wish I didn't have) and explained how I hate that Csa changed me in this way. She responded that it might not be Csa, it might just be they way I am, i.e. My preference.

The shame compounded.

I think she meant that my thoughts aren't that abnormal so they could just be me ... I think she thought this would be de-shaming ... But I know where they come from and I hate them.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

She responded that it might not be Csa, it might just be they way I am, i.e. My preference.

??? Wanting to have painful/punishment like sex isnt a preference; gender is a preference. Doesnt sound like an understanding therapist, if you desire sexual punishment, Id beg to differ and say its def the CSA! Sorry this was invailding! :hug:

 

[Sideways]

I'm so glad this was what happened for you.

I told my T a few weeks ago my version (thoughts I wish...

When explaining my version of self-harm, I've had more than one P-doc and T initially respond by saying that getting into bdsm doesn't make me "sick", some people have really fulfilling relationships in the bdsm subculture and it's ok to be turned on by that.

And they're totally right. Missed the point entirely as to why I was getting into it, and yeah, you don't exactly need a lot of help feeling more ashamed in this area. Pretty much all over the "shame" thing.

But I can understand why it's important for them to say hat. Because they're right - being turned on by a bdsm relationship is nothing to be ashamed of.

The important part (for me) was once I plucked up the courage to explain that, for me, no it's not about getting turned on (I don't personally), it was about getting treated how I felt I deserved- they all changed their tune completely.

It would be awful, if it was a turn on, for your T to immediately start telling you that your sexual preferences are sick and twisted. I think from a T's perspective, this is a difficult area to deal with in that respect. As long as they ultimately understand why you're doing it, and can help you with that if it's NOT for the sexual turn on, that's the important part.

There is nothing wrong with bdsm per se. And just because you have csa on board, doesn't mean you CAN'T be turned on by bdsm. But getting to the crux of it is really important. And personally, I still rely heavily on my T to help me out with very (very) similar issues to the ones discussed in this thread...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

There is nothing wrong with bdsm per se. And just because you have csa on board, doesn't mean you CAN'T be turned on by bdsm.

I didnt think as BDSM as a prefetence but a fetish but ok, I can roll with it as long as the therapist has indeed ruled the CSA out as the possible cause of the seeking it out, you know?

 

[mary1979]

I didnt think as BDSM as a prefetence but a fetish but ok, I can roll with it as long as the t...

I think this is a precarious ground for most of us Lost.
I've got a few sexual preferences that i know were aroused or caused by my trauma experiences.

A lot of my very early therapy concentrated on healing my sexual disfunction. A huge amount of work was done accepting that it was ok to feel pleasure (because, well you know how that goes during abuse) and to let go of any shame I felt for feeling good that would cause me to disconnect or react badly during sex.

I spent a lot of time learning to separate the acts that were done to me then from the acts I chose as an equal partner.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I've got a few sexual preferences that i know were aroused or caused by my trauma experiences.

I spent a lot of time learning to separate the acts that were done to me then from the acts I chose as an equal partner.

Totally on both of these. I can see what i search for is what i was forced to do, not necessarly what i even really like per sey and i suppose if my therapist told me it wasnt due to my past, well he's the professional but that would be hard for me to swallow and i suppose im the one that's known to question 'professionals' (mostly because, i think, of the 4 free, and horrible, therapists I had) but when one tells me "I desire sexual punishment" my brain doesnt goes straight to BDSM, it goes to "what happened to cause that desire?" Especially if abuse happened...but even if i dont know that, its the first place it goes. Maybe because of my past, i dont know.

But i know BDSM is there, to each their own...i dont judge anyone for anything, so unsure why its so hard for me to accept that its one's preference...especially if their therapist said it.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm glad that others have been able to join in the conversation about their own struggles.

I've skimmed over the replies but can't get into the topic again right now as last night was rough-----I need a breather!

For those who have addressed me directly, I will be back to reply. Thanks all for your input! It's much appreciated and I hope you can understand trying to deal with it all a little at a time with breathing room in between.

 

[Sideways]

@lostforgottensoul - I journalled a bit about my bdsm thing and I won't (don't have the gonads & wouldn't be appropriate) rehash it all here.

Thing with me, I used to go onto the bdsm dating websites and I'd (literally) have to sift out the guys that were legit, the ones who actually did care about why I was into it, what turned me on & what didn't, etc.

Heading into one of those dating sites, I had to actually go looking for guys that weren't interested in my wellbeing, or guys that actually wanted to mess me up.

And so interest in it can (and often does) come from a healthy place unrelated to csa, and a T jumping to the assumption that any non-vanilla sex life is a symptom of csa would be really quite damaging if that's just where your natural preference lies. Potentially just as damaging as if you T assumed that being gay was just a symptom of your csa...actually, no, that's just how I am, and I happen to have been abused as a child as well, you know?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Ragdoll Circus oh i def see what you're saying. I have no clue why my mind does a jump like that into only CSA and not "legit" but i def see why one would need an open mind either way.