Desperately need help/encouragement "buying into" EMDR

goosegoose

Learning
I get it, emdr is scary, I know everyone here can run a talk therapy session on their own. I wish i could have had emdr at 20 instead of 57. At 20 I was told to pack that trauma away and move on. My mother's illness and death triggered more than I bargained for. I reached a point that the trauma was too much for me to handle alone. I looked for someone who specializes in trauma. Complex PTSD - 20 years of physical abuse and neglect, 57 years of emotional and mental abuse. I jumped in both feet, I did take a couple of months to feel safe. It is hard, really hard, but I can drop something and not feel as if I'm stupid and worthless. I am no longer a victim. It usually takes me 2-3 days after an emdr session to fully process, rest, and recover. I have a ways to go- but I want to feel better and I can feel and see the changes in the way I handle triggers. I don't think of it as buying in but it does take work, support, and commitment. Good luck fellow survivors.
Thanks for your input! I've been a little more comfortable with the idea of EMDR lately, but yeah, it's still really scary to consider. I'm in my late 20s right now and exactly what you described is why I'm trying to start trying now vs avoiding it (for me avoiding, different for everyone I think). Was there anything specific that helped you feel safe? I'm mostly worried about not being able to be open enough with what I'm experiencing, keeping things to myself, etc. Was there anything that really shocked you about the process that you weren't expecting?
 
S

shades

Thanks for your input! I've been a little more comfortable with the idea of EMDR lately, but yeah, it's still really scary to consider. I'm in my late 20s right now and exactly what you described is why I'm trying to start trying now vs avoiding it (for me avoiding, different for everyone I think). Was there anything specific that helped you feel safe? I'm mostly worried about not being able to be open enough with what I'm experiencing, keeping things to myself, etc. Was there anything that really shocked you about the process that you weren't expecting?
My T started me slow, we played with the different bilateral stimulus and my fist emdr was just introductory of the process. truthfully I hadn't fully opened up yet but she had enough to get me started. At first I was like how can watching a ball and thinking about my mom beating me and telling me she hated me help anything. But my therapist guided me by questions and encouragement. By the end of the session I was exhausted but better. I am not normally a journal person but I found the writing is helpful. As I started feeling stronger the anxiety is getting better. What I found is I didn't have to share the gorey details just think about them while watching the ball. I moved past the first couple of topics and some long term feelings I learned I am who I am inspite of my mom. I told my therapist don't worry I have plenty of material. Last week we went a little deeper and she used both the ball and chimes. No joke it was so hard, I thought of stuff I swore to myself I would never speak of. Be prepared to spend some time resting, reflecting, meditating, crying, and reprocessing. It takes me 2-3 days to fully process and write out my thoughts and feelings. But I fully believe its worth the pain and hard work. I don't see the therapist as all knowing instead a co-pilot with tools and insight to help me on my journey to healing.
 
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