Im 18, I am from an environment that alternate between restricting and neglecting, and I have no friends and effective coping mechanism whatsoever. As you can see, Im not really sane, so.....
You dont need to read the below. It is just me going crazy. I know this is more of a vent post but this is my first post and im just going insane now. If you dont like this, I am deeply sorry. Please forgive me and show me the door.
I just think I will go straight to the point. It is hard here, just like everyone here. Im just really desperate. There are no support WHATSOEVER, and I am still in the same family that well, you know the rest. They are better now, and I have done a great amount of work myself, but it is so hard! I am lonely, and even more, I dont have hope and fighting spirit. I have not had my Inner Critic for a long time, and it helps, but it also means I know more, I disassociate less and that i feel every pain and every trigger more. Nothing works, and there are no copium. I cannot chunk down on food, i cant play games, cant watch this and watch that for long because im still in this restrictive environment. And i got nowhere to go, almost nowhere to hide because i am not making money yet (as an uni freshman). I am sensitive so triggers and the like hit like a truck. Even if i do find some copium, the pain cannot be fully supressed, it can only be curbed. I know sth or two abt cptsd because i read several books on the topic and do my own research, but after all that, i dont think all that knowing will helps me all the way. It hurts, and it hurts. Idk why I am even on here, maybe just hoping for a miracle to happen. All of me, all of it, not just the thing that people want, can only loved and cared for by me. its so hard, gosh. its not even easy to attempt here, and i dont have the heart to cut, because i think they will just shame me. i run out of words to tell now, but everytime i sit here like this, all i want is to get the outrageousness of the situation to be heard, that I tried so damn hard, did so goddamn much, but still stuck, desperate, yearning. i just want to get it all out, but lacking the words. So much of me has been forced to suppressed, and it leads to so much unburied emotions and thoughts.
You dont need to read the below. It is just me going crazy. I know this is more of a vent post but this is my first post and im just going insane now. If you dont like this, I am deeply sorry. Please forgive me and show me the door.
I just think I will go straight to the point. It is hard here, just like everyone here. Im just really desperate. There are no support WHATSOEVER, and I am still in the same family that well, you know the rest. They are better now, and I have done a great amount of work myself, but it is so hard! I am lonely, and even more, I dont have hope and fighting spirit. I have not had my Inner Critic for a long time, and it helps, but it also means I know more, I disassociate less and that i feel every pain and every trigger more. Nothing works, and there are no copium. I cannot chunk down on food, i cant play games, cant watch this and watch that for long because im still in this restrictive environment. And i got nowhere to go, almost nowhere to hide because i am not making money yet (as an uni freshman). I am sensitive so triggers and the like hit like a truck. Even if i do find some copium, the pain cannot be fully supressed, it can only be curbed. I know sth or two abt cptsd because i read several books on the topic and do my own research, but after all that, i dont think all that knowing will helps me all the way. It hurts, and it hurts. Idk why I am even on here, maybe just hoping for a miracle to happen. All of me, all of it, not just the thing that people want, can only loved and cared for by me. its so hard, gosh. its not even easy to attempt here, and i dont have the heart to cut, because i think they will just shame me. i run out of words to tell now, but everytime i sit here like this, all i want is to get the outrageousness of the situation to be heard, that I tried so damn hard, did so goddamn much, but still stuck, desperate, yearning. i just want to get it all out, but lacking the words. So much of me has been forced to suppressed, and it leads to so much unburied emotions and thoughts.
