artemisberry
New Here
Hi, I've just discovered this website whilst reading up a bit more about flashbacks. Last year I hit a crisis point in my life (one of many) I got involved with a relationship, fell very much in love and then he became controlling and abusive (emotionally). I realised then that this continued pattern in relationships had been going on for many years and did something called the Freedom Programme (UK) . that is all about understanding about how abuse in relationship works.
I started Trauma focused CBT a few weeks ago and although hard it feels hopeful - I experienced repeated sexually abusive incidents throughout my teens starting at 13 with abuse and rape by a group of boys, on most the occasions I was drunk or stoned, extremely vulnerable looking for love etc, and pretty much alone as my mum (whom I lived alone with) was totally wrapped up in herself (narcissistic) was neglecting me and emotionally abusing me.
I was starting to describe a couple of incidents in some of my sexual relationships in which I had an extreme panic response too - an example being a bloke I had been seeing for a few months was sitting on my sofa, stroking my beloved cat - i could tell he couldn't stand the cat but then said something like - oh what a lovly cat' but whilst saying it he looked almost resentful. the contrast of his words I what I saw in eyes - made me respond to the situation in total fear and panic, it felt terrifyingly sinister and I found myself blurting out an incident that had happened in my teens in which I felt the same, after which he said 'why did you tell me that' i felt ashamed and sacred and confused as couldn't really understand why.
Its really hard to get to the point of what I want to get some perspective/help with - basicly many of of my relationships have ended relatively quickly due to me feeling this total extreme anxiety, panic and confusion, in which in desperation to not feel like I have run away from but just don't understand what is going on which creates more panic, shame, terror, confusion and then I have tended to run back to them desperately in a state of sobbing despair. - I have thought for years that the breakdown in the relationships have been all my fault because I am crazy, have this anxiety that I can't make sense off. Then a few months I figured that the relationships were abusive but now I'm getting confused again..
In my last CBT he identifies the example I said above was a flashback, which really helps to know and makes sense and I'm trying to process this information, I'm know wondering if I've been having repetitive flashbacks throughout my life and ongoing in relationships I have had. What's confusing me is I'm find myself doubting know if the relationships were abusive or if its that I have felt so bad in them because of the flashbacks? The confusion can make me feel a bit panicked, as I find hard to make sense of it - I'm struggling to step back with this and make sense of what is my flashbacks? what was real abuse? what was going on etc?.... i just wonder if anyone identifies with what I'm talking about and has any thoughts on it?
many thanks for reading
I started Trauma focused CBT a few weeks ago and although hard it feels hopeful - I experienced repeated sexually abusive incidents throughout my teens starting at 13 with abuse and rape by a group of boys, on most the occasions I was drunk or stoned, extremely vulnerable looking for love etc, and pretty much alone as my mum (whom I lived alone with) was totally wrapped up in herself (narcissistic) was neglecting me and emotionally abusing me.
I was starting to describe a couple of incidents in some of my sexual relationships in which I had an extreme panic response too - an example being a bloke I had been seeing for a few months was sitting on my sofa, stroking my beloved cat - i could tell he couldn't stand the cat but then said something like - oh what a lovly cat' but whilst saying it he looked almost resentful. the contrast of his words I what I saw in eyes - made me respond to the situation in total fear and panic, it felt terrifyingly sinister and I found myself blurting out an incident that had happened in my teens in which I felt the same, after which he said 'why did you tell me that' i felt ashamed and sacred and confused as couldn't really understand why.
Its really hard to get to the point of what I want to get some perspective/help with - basicly many of of my relationships have ended relatively quickly due to me feeling this total extreme anxiety, panic and confusion, in which in desperation to not feel like I have run away from but just don't understand what is going on which creates more panic, shame, terror, confusion and then I have tended to run back to them desperately in a state of sobbing despair. - I have thought for years that the breakdown in the relationships have been all my fault because I am crazy, have this anxiety that I can't make sense off. Then a few months I figured that the relationships were abusive but now I'm getting confused again..
In my last CBT he identifies the example I said above was a flashback, which really helps to know and makes sense and I'm trying to process this information, I'm know wondering if I've been having repetitive flashbacks throughout my life and ongoing in relationships I have had. What's confusing me is I'm find myself doubting know if the relationships were abusive or if its that I have felt so bad in them because of the flashbacks? The confusion can make me feel a bit panicked, as I find hard to make sense of it - I'm struggling to step back with this and make sense of what is my flashbacks? what was real abuse? what was going on etc?.... i just wonder if anyone identifies with what I'm talking about and has any thoughts on it?
many thanks for reading
