Undiagnosed Is it PTSD? Or am I deluding myself? - How often/strong PTSD symptoms?

[siniang]

I have to admit, I'm starting to feel really silly for thinking I have either GAD or PTSD. You guys made really good points about self-diagnosing and that these are serious mental illnesses, that no one wants to have and no one should be looking (hoping?) to have. At this point I don't know what outcome I hope for... a diagnosis and the potential of questioning myself whether I've been honest, whether I didn't make things up (subconsciously?) or made them worse than they are/were, you know, kinda like a self-fullfilling prophecy or being manipulative for whatever reasons. Or no diagnosis and essentially being an imposter, being incredibly insensitive for even considering that I have those severe illnesses, especially since so many of you are truly struggling.

 

[Justmehere]

Yeah, grad students are busy. It does take work to achieve. I have good friends in grad school getting PhDs in the sciences, and they disappear to everyone but life at school for chunks at a time. You are doing great work to build up your career. I sometimes have to work 18-hour shifts in my own life. So I can kind of relate.

You are also promising your husband you will slow down and pushing away projects at work and starting to seek therapy for symptoms and then backing down. You are expressing fears around being "weak." You are reaching out for help trying to resolve symptoms and experiences pulling you away from living more of the life you want to live.

I think what people are picking up on is that you are avoiding quite a bit. Everything from projects at work to feeling your emotions to following through on promises to your husband... The thing about avoidance is that the more one avoids, the worse one feels, and the more one avoids. That's not just a PTSD thing, it's a human thing.

Prima ballerinas are actually wicked good at self-care and rest, and they are also very strong. The very best dancers who last the longest also don't simply try to push past weakness. They take care of what feels weak and help themselves have the tools to recover. Because if they don't, their bodies break down and they can't dance at all.

I'm not stating don't achieve. Don't excel. Don't be busy. You will have to be that in grad school. There are ways to be busy and feel weak moments, and embrace them as a way to keep moving forward.

When an experiment fails, does that signal weakness to be feared? (Take out the pressures of publishing and academia.) Nah, when an experiment doesn't turn out as expected, it's good information to learn from. Weakness is like that. It's not a terrible thing. It's information to learn from. That's all.

You have the skills of observation. You also have the strength to make decisions that are right for you. I can tell in your writing. Keep using those skills. When you feel fear and other things, notice. Sometimes that alone can help manage the feelings. It's actually a skill taught in mindfulness and some other types of therapies used for anxiety.

Example; I felt panic today. I paused. I noticed my heart beat fast. I noticed my hands shake. And just by pausing and noticing, it came and went much more quickly than just trying to not feel it or push past it. Other times, I get caught up in the panic. I either try to keep focused on other things (sometimes I can't pause) or I get stuck on the panic. That usually takes longer and more energy to work through.

As someone who studied science myself, the difficulty is that we are not quite experiments to be solved. Our lives are adventures to be lived.

Even if you have a diagnosis of this or that mental health condition, you as a person are not lacking in being enough. Maybe you could benefit from gaining some tools to manage, maybe a diagnosis, maybe not, maybe working on the past, maybe not.

You are enough. Weaknesses and strengths and all.

 

[shatter eyes]

In the search for answers..google can really through curve balls and open up rabbit tunnels to self diagnosis and possibly even freak me out sometimes.

Here is a funny one but not so funny. Early in my PTS stage when i was hyper vig and combative..combined with a TBI i would hit people which is not me and made me feel very bad. I googled "why do i hit people" and goog responded by dating tips on how to "hit on" strangers.

3 years later and $hit ton of therapy i no longer hit people or objects from working with professionals that are teaching me ways to calm my system and be aware through TAG, ACT, CBT, and recently DBT.

With a correct diagnosis i am getting the therapies that help me.

As for the sleep study my opinion is that it maybe good to NOT push your 2 appointments after it because those appointments may reveal critical information that can help the study

 

[Justmehere]

@siniang - the warning was removed due to moderator error. Any further questions or comments about this or any forum administration matter, please use Contact Us. Thanks.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled introduction thread. :)

 

[littleoc]

I tend to not be able to stop once I start.

This is normal for anyone who tries to keep things in. You’re overflowing — and once you get what you need, you will find yourself no longer needing to tell others what’s bothering you :hug:

Also, off topic, but it is an introduction thread, so, I’m also a biologist!!! Cool!!!! :D :D

 

[siniang]

And another horrible night where I felt like I didn't sleep at all. Granted, I went to bed late and had to get up early for some travels. I started sleeping with a nightlight, again a week or two or so ago, I'm not sure it's helping or making it even worse. It's definitely bothering my husband...hm...you're damned if you don't, you're damned if you do.

I'm tired and moody.

You have the skills of observation.

Oh yes, I observe. And reflect. And observe more. And reflect. And question. And overthink. And reflect some more.

In the search for answers..google can really through curve balls and open up rabbit tunnels to self diagnosis and possibly even freak me out sometimes.

Very true.

I'm also wondering if some of those websites that even offer a "test" are like horoscopes and they present information in a vague-fit-all manner ?

As for the sleep study my opinion is that it maybe good to NOT push your 2 appointments after it because those appointments may reveal critical information that can help the study

The sleep study is out-of-network, so I'm not sure how much influence they have. As I understand it the study will be analyzed by someone else and the results passed on to my physician. My thinking was more along the lines that if I have one or two therapy sessions before, the sleep study isn't unbiased, isn't independent, but shouldn't it be? Sorry, the scientist in me is speaking.

This is normal for anyone who tries to keep things in. You’re overflowing — and once you get what you need, you will find yourself no longer needing to tell others what’s bothering you :hug:

Also, off topic, but it is an introduction thread, so, I’m also a biologist!!! Cool!!!! :D:D

Well, I've always been extremely communicative, I've always talked a LOT. So that in itself is nothing new. It's just part of my nature, actually.

Hello fellow biologist ??

---

Sorry, this is turning into a diary thread. I don't think that this is the intention of an intro thread - but since I have no diagnosis, I think this is the only appropriate place, if at all. Maybe I should just shut up until after my appointments ?

 

[shatter eyes]

I think you feel you are being heard and understood here then stick around. There are diagnosis and misdiagnosis. There are overlaps in labels and symptoms.

Check with the mods on membership and the site policies too. From time to time i have seen people admit they are without ptsd or pts symptoms create a profile and poke around for research and their own agenda. To me this forum is a gathering place to chill my nervous system and nurture my acceptance that i need to take extra care to manage symptoms from going batshit bunker buster postal... and share what i cannot share to others in nonvirtual life.

You given much effort opening up and i can see that from your posts. Whether u decide to stay or not, i hope we made you feel less lonely. for me reading your post reminded me i am not alone so thank you.

(*Biologist here too. Have not completed or returned to studies since TBI and PTSd. Restoration biology evolutionary ecology with specialization in freshwater species such as turtles and salamanders. Still learning to grieve the old me and the dreams shattered *)

 

[littleoc]

(*Biologist here too. Have not completed or returned to studies since TBI and PTSd. Restoration biology evolutionary ecology with specialization in freshwater species such as turtles and salamanders. Still learning to grieve the old me and the dreams shattered *)

(That’s really cool!!! Hello, fellow biologist! I am not currently working either, but I say that once you have the mind of one, it’s hard to go back :) :hug: )

Try the diagnosis route! No matter what you learn, it will provide treatment options. :hug:

 

[HealingInProcess]

(That’s really cool!!! Hello, fellow biologist! I am not currently working either, but I say that once you have the mind of one, it’s hard to go back :):hug: )

Try the diagnosis route! No matter what you learn, it will provide treatment options. :hug:

Have you all thought about volunteering at a zoo or aquarium? I think that would be fun!

 

[siniang]

Over the years, I've worked/interned at zoos/aquaria multiple times, in zookeeping/husbandry. I LOVE animals, so this seems perfect. But it's frigging hard. Starting work at six and spend 8 hours cleaning enclosures. Interact with random people of varying degrees of ignorance and/or interest. School classes! Unless you're trained, you won't be allowed to interact with most animals, probably even more so in the US because of liability reasons. I personally don't know what you'd be doing if it wasn't on the animal side of zoo/aquaria work, e.g. outreach etc. I still loved it, though :)

I just started volunteering with a local therapy dog group. I have four cats, but I do miss the multitude of animals in my life and it gives me some peace and something where I feel useful (while I work with charismatic megafauna that everyone loves, scientists in general often have a hard time "justifying" their work when they're not researching cancer...especially in these times and days. It's my little part of giving back to society)

Many conservation groups look for volunteers all the time. But I could imagine that either of those might be "traumatic" in itself for shatter eyes and littleoc, as it would be constantly remind them of what they "lost".

 

[Reply]

I guess ptsd can be an individual experience and the severity of the trauma and the effect of your experience is what is important to you do you feel consistent fear over a past event that shaped your life in some way? Does the horror of that event remain still in your body? Ptsd for most is about not feeling safe in your body and mind it's a reaction to an extreme event you can't process complex ptsd is multiple events that have had a long lasting horrific impact on you if you cannot separate the past from the present then you may have a form of ptsd again long standing effects of the past that's cause complete horror no matter the event may be a cause for ptsd... that's my understanding of the diagnosis from being in therapy and having it myself but it can be different for everyone
( hope in someways that was helpful)

 

[Sideways]

the severity of the trauma and the effect of your experience is what is important to you do you feel consistent fear over a past event that shaped your life in some way?

Well-intended, but wildly inaccurate.

Trauma that can lead to ptsd is not a subjective “was it traumatic to you,” assessment, or even “American Psychiatrists consider these types of trauma to be bad enough to cause PTSD” thing.

Criteria A trauma are types of trauma that get processed by a certain part of your brain (the amygdala) and can cause that part to dysfunction. Causing PTSD.

Many other experiences can be as subjectively traumatic as Criteria A trauma. But they do not cause PTSD, because they are processed in other parts of your brain. They may well lead to other mental illnesses - PTSD is not the only mental illness that can be caused by traumatic experience.