Undiagnosed Is it PTSD? Or am I deluding myself? - How often/strong PTSD symptoms?

[grit]

@siniang
I hope you take justmehere's advise to the heart. this is online, people including me write stuff to help or respond and sometimes we all leave a piece of our own merdi in it and sometimes not.

 

[siniang]

I actually was genuinely wondering what you meant @grit, what parts of my story made you think that - because you might have some truth to it that I'm just not aware of. As I think I mentioned before, I tend to reflect a lot on what's brought to my attention regarding myself. I always have the underlaying assumption that I could be wrong.

 

[grit]

@siniang
I truly hope you are not taking my own words over your own.

Your first post and your follow ups sounded more like you were bragging and you are not taking your ailments affecting work, marriage, relationships, friendships, health, quality of life seriously. and your casual referals to PTSD maybe touched a cord. It felt to me you may have conditions that are under ego-syntonic in such your concept of you is aligned with your condition and it is hard to separate the two. Whatever you are suffering from has not reached at peak, if you are not seeking therapy or others in your life are telling you to seek therapy and you are not listening to them but further show how wonderful everything is therefore, no reason to seek support, help or other relief. There is something missing in your original post.

Now, I feel you really need to find a way to alleviate your suffering and hope you find respite.

these are just opinions evoked by your words and your way of sharing. I truly hope you find great therapist.

 

[Justmehere]

You are very focused on defending your performance, functioning, and picking out your flaws.

A healthy adult will struggle at times, and they will ask for help when needed.

But I've also always been a lone fighter, had to face my battles by myself and always been successful. That's why it's so incredibly hard for me to take on help. That's why it takes so long for me to go see a physician - or a therapist.

Even the fiercest warriors need a coach from time to time to sharpen their skills.

There was a somewhat traumatic event over 18 years ago, when I was 13 (not rape/sexual assault, no accident).

I have a shit ton of debt that doesn't stem from overspending. We may or may not lose our home (that we rent and love, which would mean we might have to move for the 5th time in just a couple years). Cars breaking down unexpectedly resulting in just more financial burdens. Animals becoming sick, unexpectedly. My husband being run over while on his bike. My husband being fired completely out of the blue and with absolutely no wrongdoing on his part. Us being in a car accident in February. You know...just normal life challenges ... ?

Any of this could lead to being in a position of needing a coach, someone to confide in, someone to bounce ideas around, to walk through these experiences with skill. Moving is one of the top 10 stressors in life, and there are many people who have needed help to get through far less.

If you feel you haven’t grown up in the ways you would like, that’s ok. Ever seen all the “adulting” jokes online? Most adults feel a little like life is beyond them from time to time. One of my favorite memes: Being an adult is a little like looking both ways before crossing the street and being hit by an airplane.

You’ve done a marvelous job reaching out and seeking answers. Now perhaps is the time to learn the skill of interdependence and risk trusting a therapist, just a little, to get their perspective and input. Going once to get a feel for it doesn’t sign you up for any kind of commitment. It may not be for you. That’s ok too. But it seems worth checking out, if only because you have thought about it so much.

For a little more perspective: 1 in 5 grad school students have struggled with self-injury and 1 in 3 have depression.

Graduate student’s risk of anxiety and depression is more than six times higher than that of the general public. Mental Health in Grad School: Master’s & PhD Student Resources

Everything you have going on mental health wise is a pretty common reaction or response to the crap you have been through and the stress and strain of life. A therapist isn’t there to deem you lacking in all the good things you have, but to coach you with a few more tools, for continued solid success, with less suffering and a little more relief and joy.

 

[siniang]

Your first post and your follow ups sounded more like you were bragging and you are not taking your ailments affecting work, marriage, relationships, friendships, health, quality of life seriously. and your casual referals to PTSD maybe touched a cord. It felt to me you may have conditions that are under ego-syntonic in such your concept of you is aligned with your condition and it is hard to separate the two. Whatever you are suffering from has not reached at peak, if you are not seeking therapy or others in your life are telling you to seek therapy and you are not listening to them but further show how wonderful everything is therefore, no reason to seek support, help or other relief. There is something missing in your original post.

I'm genuinely dumbstruck that this is how people perceive me/took away from my words.

@Justmehere Thank you for your words!

My first therapy appointment is next week. I am honest, I'm a little terrified. I've had too many doors shut in my face too many times, over the years. Too many times, when I finally opened up, finally reached out, tried to resolve conflict, have it just downplayed or reflected back at me. It's become self-preservance, not trying to depend on others, or even just as much as expecting help, to avoid being hurt again.

 

[Justmehere]

My first therapy appointment is next week.

Nice!

I am honest, I'm a little terrified.

Yeah, I was too.

It's become self-preservance, not trying to depend on others, or even just as much as expecting help, to avoid being hurt again.

I can relate. It's worth it to keep trying.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm genuinely dumbstruck that this is how people perceive me/took away from my words.

Just remember that this is the Internet and a huge portion of communication (ie tone etc) is simply lost.

Then you throw in the fact that everyone brings with them some sort of baggage that influences their replies.

I think maybe you’re getting too hooked on any one reply and not taking things with a grain of salt

 

[siniang]

I think maybe you’re getting too hooked on any one reply and not taking things with a grain of salt

I probably do. I know I'm probably taking this a little too personal. This is one of my weaknesses, taking things too personal. It is my personality that when there is conflict, I try to talk it out, try to resolve possible misunderstandings or try to explain things. I do have a hard time just "letting things go", be above it. I hate a sink or swim approach with comments/advice. It's probably just me, trying to look at every possible angle. And particularly so, if I feel I've been done injustice or if I start questioning my own point of view - and then I want to discuss it further to help me "think". I realize that everyone comes with their own baggage, but being accused of bragging (which is quite an accusation) and "simply" not wanting to grow up, after struggling to even open up, was somehow insult to injury. Being accused of willfully not seeking help because "everything is wonderful", while I even stated how I tried to seek help multiple times over the years, and how I DID schedule upcoming therapy appointments, made me frustrated. It reminded me of how my grandparents deal with me, as a little child, not an adult. Talking down to me. And yes, I'm probably over-interpreting (because as you say, the internet is missing tone and also for many of us English probably isn't the first language). But this just really really hurt, plain and simple. I've been there so many times before.

I'm truly sorry if I overreacted. I wasn't looking for conflict, just to resolve a possible misunderstanding with the added element of feeling attacked.

 

[siniang]

Sorry, I just need to write, I don't know where else to turn to. I'm feeling particularly restless today. Have been trying to get myself to start on my work for hours, now, and just can't focus. I keep pacing to the living room and sit down on the couch to just stare outside, I keep bothering my sleeping cats, keep making tea. Sit back down at the desk for a few minutes only to get up again. Or I start reading on the internet instead of my work. My stupid mind just won't shut up. It's all over the place. I'm already starting to feel the urge to get up and go to anther room while I write this.

The list I was "preparing" for my appointment next week is 3 pages long. I keep looking at it and keep thinking whether or not I should delete a few of the points, because I'm just exaggerating, blowing things out of proportion. I feel stupid. I still don't know what I expect from the appointment (to somehow, magically, finally get better, yes - but why should it work this time when it didn't work all these last times?). I have no idea how it will work - I've never been in therapy. Am I expected to talk? Will she ask questions? I don't even know how long the session will be.

I'm also starting to freak out a little, or rather, trying to suppress it, control it, actually. My husband has to fly helicopters often for his work. It's already always leaving me on the edge when he does. On Tuesday, another helicopter of the same type (different company) doing similar type of work as he does crashed in the area. My rational, scientific part of the brain knows about statistics. But the emotional part doesn't care. Like, at all. I don't know how to handle this incidence, it's only increasing my anxiety.

Didn't help that I was waking up to Notre Dame burning on Monday.

I'm extremely frustrated today. At the world. Mostly at myself. I apologize if I've been coming across as particularly confrontational today or the past couple days.

Ok, time for another tea. Rant over.

 

[siniang]

When you hear hoof beats in Central Park, don’t go thinking “zebras”.

"If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, quacks like a duck ....it probably is a duck".

 

[EveHarrington]

....but you’re not describing a duck.

Please seek out a professional opinion.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My first therapy appointment is next week

How did therapy go?