Undiagnosed Is it PTSD? Or am I deluding myself? - How often/strong PTSD symptoms?

[siniang]

Again, thank you so much for your replies! Most people don't realize how hard it is to open up like this, even anonymously on the internet. I'm sure you all know this from your own experience. Everytime I start opening up, it's like my mind and my emotions try to go in a run-away over the top mode. It's almost binary - I am very private, it's hard for me to share anything private (though I learned to open up somewhat over the years after bottling up all my negative emotions/experiences/struggles for years), but once I do, it's like all-or-nothing. I tend to overwhelm the other party. I tend to not be able to stop once I start. Ruminating a lot. Over the same thing, again and again and again. Posts/texts (it's easier for me to write, not actually talk to someone in person) become excessively long. I drive people away like this. I've been told I'm overreacting. I've been told I'm wallowing in self-pity. This is like a door being shut in your face and you learn to keep your mouth shut to avoid further pain (of rejection in this case, of self-doubt). Until I feel drained, manage do distract myself, and cary on with life, either forcing myself, actively trying to be positive, or on auto-pilot.

Opening up, allowing your feelings, your inner demons, opens you up to getting hurt. I learned that early and hence learned to control myself, not let my true inner self show. At times in my teens, I sometimes felt like I turned a switch to bet that happy positive person and I truly genuinely was at that moment.

Hey, fellow scientist! What field? :)

Biology/ecology :)

I can resonate with your story and it felt like I was reading my own words a couple of years ago. Before it just had gotten to far and I got the burn out from my job, used alkohol and work or actually anything to hide or run away from my feelings. PTSD for me is not every day if I don't take notice to it, it all depends on how you look at it. If you don't want to see it you might not see it. But I know for sure I would benefit with being more aware of how it affects me so I can meet it instead of running away from it. It shows it self thatI get anxious or worried/feeling small in situations similar to the trauma and that I feel numb in my body.

To me it sounds like you are not allowing yourself to feel your feelings and experience your experiences through. When you write "I don't want to be weak" and that if you have PTSD it's probably mild, it's like you are suppressing a part of yourself and that part is calling for your attention in different ways. I can not say if you have a diagnosis or not but I would like to say that suppressing of feelings is both unhealthy and common. Maybe it's ok to be weak? Maybe you are being brave by being weak?

Thank you!

What I was referring to with "mild PTSD" is that if at all, I only have one, max two of the symptoms from each criteria. And even those are kinda "mild". I don't have full-blown panic attacks. I don't have nightly nightmares. I'm not suicidal. For example. Especially comparing myself to other people with diagnosed PTSD and their struggles, their symptoms. I tend to reflect A LOT, because i always question everything, even and especially myself. I always assume I might be wrong, despite being generally confident and headstrong.

Reading all those other stories, I feel stupid for even considering I might have PTSD with my single-event trillions of years ago and only mild symptoms, if any. I feel like an imposter, like I'm trying to talk myself into having it for for whatever reason (attention? finding an "easy" excuse for my struggles?)

(seeing you type "alkohol" ...are you German?)

Regardless of what’s going on, I 100% believe that unless you find a way to slow down, you’re going to burn out and be forced to slow down, even perhaps by way of a chronic disorder.

Running a million miles an hour may be your way of coping, but even the best of us can only move so fast and stay healthy.

See, the thing is I KNOW that. I know I need to slow down. Have been meaning to for years. But somehow I just seem to be able to. Though I'm finally starting to feel the hard truth of the consequences. I've been struggeling to get anything for my work done for months. I have days were I literally haven't been doing anything - though I need to. Thus far, my (white) lies haven't blown up in my face just yet, but I expect to every day.

I often feel it's just part of who I am. I always tended to take on too much. It's probably a control thing. It's probably at least in part to not disappoint. For large parts it's because I actually truly enjoy(ed) it. It's like it inherently keeps me going. I had a phase when I was 14, when I was incredibly lazy and almost lost everything I really cared for at that moment (friends, my school). It's like I woke up, suddenly, finally, found myself, and been running those million miles an hour ever since.

It's in part because I have large dreams that aren't easy to achieve, but I feel deep down that that is what I want, what I need in life. And that I need to put in those extra 50% in order to do so. I tried to settle, abandon those dreams when it became particularly hard and frustrating with a lot of drawbacks for a while, and I was miserable.

I'm currently a PhD student, which in itself is inherently supposed to be hard and stressful. I'm struggeling with the fact that I'm struggeling. I certainly don't want to give in to all the "Told ya"s. Yes, it's a pride thing, of course. But it's also the fact that I fear risking everything I've been working so extremely hard for for 10+ years, and which means the world to me.

I feel terrible towards my husband. He's been complaining about me being so stressed out for equally long. I always promised him it will finally get better after that current project is done. After I graduate college. When I move to a new place and start my PhD, finally doing what I was dreaming to do and have been stressing out so much to get to. And yet, nothing changes, ever. Eventhough I really believed that when I tell him that. It frustrates me heaps, and makes me feel helpless. And guilty, especially since it also takes a toll on him, too. We're continue to deal with a lot of hardships and I feel I increasingly can't cope with them because they're added to all that stress, all that exhaustion, that's already there.

And yet, even when I went to see my physician about fatigue that first time 10 years ago, I didn't feel like I was doing particularly more than any of the other students. I'm still not convinced I feel so exhausted and fatigued because of working so much. Most students I know who are exhausted are so because they don't sleep enough - I do, I sleep way too much (no, I'm not tired because I sleep too much, tried everything, sleeping less doesn't help), and yet never feel refreshed upon waking up. Even on vacation. When I finally went to seek counseling (sponsored by my college at the time), all she could say was, that I shouldn't be able to take 1-2h naps in the afternoon if I sleep 8-9 hours and how that doesn't make sense to her. Well, thank you. It sounded like she didn't believe me or at least didn't know what to make of it. And for my troubles concentrating she suggested to take 5-minute breaks and eat an apple. I felt so stupid at the time and never went again.

 

[siniang]

I wanted to add something.

Part of the reason why I haven't seen a therapist yet is the system. In my home country, you have wait times of 9 months up to 1.5 years. Over the years, everytime I was finally ready to admit to myself that I can't do this on my own anymore, that I need help, I needed it NOW (but not severely enough to become in-patient). As I mentioned, I saw a counselor at one point, which didn't help nothing. I have/had an acquaintance in my circles who studied psychology and who I consulted re seeking help because I was suspecting burn out and/or mild depression and we talked about the whole process. I asked for recommendations in my home town. But I never went through making an appointment and eventually it would pass, getting better again.

After moving to the US I considered it once or twice, before, but didn't follow through because I didn't realize it was covered by my health insurance and I thought I simply couldn't afford it (just as the sleep study, which I also assumed I would've needed to pay out of pocket and which is several thousand bucks - getting a sleep study had been recommended years ago, by the same psychology "friend"). I wasn't until that last night terror that my husband finally strongly encouraged me to speak to someone, my physician, a therapist...someone who might be able to help. I decided against my physician and go straight to a mental health profession because I know that there's a lot going on with me (and partly because I felt ashamed to open up to my physician like that after saying "I'm fine except being tired all the time" during all past visits). I did a LOT of research for over a week on who I wanted to see (it's limited where I live and due to my health insurance) and it took me that long to muster the courage to even make that call. I was reluctant because the person I had picked is a psychiatrist - and I don't want to take medication. But at least on her online profile she states that despite being a psychiatrist she's open to other therapy forms. But when I wanted to make that appointment I was told I had to go through some general number and have a screening - and they then scheduled with a psychologist when I said I didn't really want to take medication and that the person I picked is a psychiatrist, so she's only prescribing medication. I can't find anything on that "new" person, which makes me very uneasy. I ALWAYS try to gather as many information as any possible before going into any situation. I think it's a control thing. I want to be prepared as best as possible. I didn't feel comfortable with "just" seeing a psychologist that I can't find nothing about and who isn't a clinical psychologist, so I did end up scheduling another appointment with the psychiatrist I initially looked up. I really wanted to get the initial assessment by that person, but apparently I can't just because of the system and now I'm worried that the first psychologist makes some diagnosis (or none), passes that on to the psychiatrist and she simply puts me on some meds. I'm very anxious about those two appointments, really don't know what to expect, and more then once have already thought about cancelling...

Every other day I feel stupid and that I'm only exaggerating. That what I'm dealing with is normal, that it's just part of life, that everyone else has struggles and hardships and that I should stop complaining and whining and start looking at the positive things that I DO have and that I should be glad for, because it could be so much worse.

 

[Sideways]

Seeing someone who can give you a proper diagnosis, and steer you towards appropriate therapy options, feels like losing control. It’s an incredibly scary prospect for most of us.

If someone was concerned they had cancer, and decided that they could potentially just “deal with it”, push through, be ‘stronger’, rather than fronting up for a diagnosis, confirmation of a really serious reason...well, that right there is why so many times cancer is diagnosed late.

Same goes for mental illness.

So what you’re feeling? Is the most normal response in the world. No one wants to be diagnosed with a serious illness. We all have more than enough to deal with, without dealing with that as well. If you can avoid dealing with that? Absolutely, most of us would avoid that.

But here’s the thing. You’re contemplating serious mental illness here. You’ve self-diagnosed GAD, like it’s some milder kind of mental illness. It’s not. It’s absolutely not mild. It’s different to PTSD, but just as debilitating for many sufferers. And if you’re right? There’s treatment options, for both GAD and PTSD.

So, going to a qualified diagnosis isn’t about giving up power, it’s about taking power back. If you have a mental illness? Get it diagnosed, so you can get it treated and get your life back. Medication may be an option (works wonders for me). But it’s not the only option - it’s just one choice available to you once you have a diagnosis.

And if it’s not a mental illness, if it’s something else? Then you keep looking for a proper diagnosis. Because this level of distress? Isn’t necessary. There are treatments available.

So, take the leap. From Google, to someone qualified to give you real answers. You cannot self-diagnose PTSD, GAD, or any other mental illness. But you can get treatment, and get your life back once you figure out what’s going on for you. Until then? It’s not much more than rolling the dice with what it might be and what might help.

 

[siniang]

I just read this article : Ptsd diagnosis and I apologize for pretty much self-diagnosing. It also explained the "persistent" part I was wondering about.

Edit: Just saw Sideways' post. Thank you!

 

[siniang]

if it’s something else? Then you keep looking for a proper diagnosis.

See, that's the thing, I've been trying to get my life back for 10 years. I've been looking for a proper diagnosis for 10 years. I'm exhausted. I'm sick of essentially being told or implied I'm just a hypochondriac.

But I absolutely understand your points. Thanks for grounding me! I really didn't mean to self-diagnose. I just started reading up on several things (started with night terrors and one let to the other) and just started reading so many things, symptoms and experience reports from people, that seemed so familiar. So many things suddenly started making sense, kinda clicked into place. I think it's just my scientific nature to try to connect dots all the time.

 

[Sideways]

The sleep study sounds like it would be really worthwhile. Sleep is a crazy mess of half-science and a whole lotta stuff that we barely understand. But we do know that there’s hundreds (thousands?) of possible causes for persistent sleep disturbance. And loads of treatment options.

Fwiw? Being able to relate to symptoms and subjective experiences of disorders like GAD and PTSD? Makes you human! Whether it rises to the level of mental illness? Whether that’s the cause of your sleep disturbance? No one here can say. And you deserve an informed answer.

There’s potentially a solution to this problem out there. There’s potentially a great night’s sleep in your future, night after night. But that solution isn’t going to come from the internet. And anything short of a solution? You’re selling yourself short.

If it takes another few years, with different types of specialists? You’re worth it. You’re worth more than a roll of the dice chance at feeling better:)

 

[siniang]

Points taken!

But in my defense I have to say that many if not most websites talking about mental health/illness kind of encourage you to self-diagnose by saying that if you have any of the symptoms or suspect you have this or that disorder you should talk to a therapist. ?

 

[shatter eyes]

I would show the psychologist what your started the thread with so u could give an account and show the state you were in while writing.

Keep us posted on how it goes. Diagnosis can take 2 or 3 days.
My ptsd dianogsis took 3 days of interview. Each day about 2hrs.

 

[EveHarrington]

When you hear hoof beats in Central Park, don’t go thinking “zebras”.

Yes, this is essentially what you’re doing.

You run at a million miles an hour, refusing to slow down, and then get mad because doctors won’t give you a diagnosis that proves you are sick.

Honestly, SLOW DOWN!

I think if you slowed down, your life situation would improve dramatically, and you may not even have a diagnosis.

Here in the USA, psychiatrists diagnose, but they primarily prescribe meds, and don’t do therapy. You know, it’s that whole, “this job pays so much more and I’m drowning in student loan debt” thing.

I see you as being extremely controlling in this whole process and if you want help, you’ve got to learn to go along with the flow.

Again, if you don’t find a way to slow down, you may lose everything to the point where you are low functioning and can’t work at all.

So please, slow down.

I’m not sure if this is just me, but you seem to be talking a million miles an hour.

 

[siniang]

I would show the psychologist what your started the thread with so u could give an account and show the state you were in while writing.

Keep us posted on how it goes. Diagnosis can take 2 or 3 days.
My ptsd dianogsis took 3 days of interview. Each day about 2hrs.

I've started taking notes whenever something crossed my mind, but showing a complete text (even an incoherent one es the one I started the thread with) seems like a good idea.

I keep wondering if I should push the two appointments until after the sleep study. Yet, I'd rather have had the appointment last week then having to wait another few. I fear that I might be back in a better place by then and will be convinced I was just overreacting. You know, like a hair cut, by the time the appointment comes around, you're usually happy with your hair again (or is that just me?)

When you hear hoof beats in Central Park, don’t go thinking “zebras”.

Yes, this is essentially what you’re doing.

But....but ....
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No, in all seriousness, I get what you mean :) Always expecting the worst is part of my struggles and the problem.

You run at a million miles an hour, refusing to slow down, and then get mad because doctors won’t give you a diagnosis that proves you are sick.

Honestly, SLOW DOWN!

I'm not >refusing< to slow down. I genuinely don't seem to be able to. I've tried so many times. I promised my husband so many times.

Partly, I simply don't know how. Partly, I feel like I >need< to run a million miles an hour, like I >need< this amount of stress for whatever stupid and unhealthy reason. Partly due to extrinsic circumstances and expectations that are just inherently stressful and I have very little control over (school/job).

And yes, I KNOW that I can't keep this going forever. I AM starting to feel it, to see the consequences. I AM starting to struggle to not drive the entire thing into the wall, loosing everything.

I see you as being extremely controlling in this whole process and if you want help, you’ve got to learn to go along with the flow.

Yes. I have a strong urge to be in control all the time and of everything. Things that are beyond my control freak me out and tear me down.

I’m not sure if this is just me, but you seem to be talking a million miles an hour.

No, it's not just you. This is my mind, most of the time. Most days I just can't stop thinking and analyzing and ruminating. It IS driving me nuts, sometimes. I really get frustrated at myself because some times, days, I want it to just STOP. That's partly why I pick my skin. It gives me 10, 15 minutes of "not thinking anything".

I tried autogenic training, didn't work.

 

[Justmehere]

I didn't feel comfortable with "just" seeing a psychologist that I can't find nothing about and who isn't a clinical psychologist, so I did end up scheduling another appointment with the psychiatrist I initially looked up. I really wanted to get the initial assessment by that person, but apparently I can't just because of the system and now I'm worried that the first psychologist makes some diagnosis (or none), passes that on to the psychiatrist and she simply puts me on some meds.

As others have stated, may take a little time to sort out a diagnosis. Ideally, the two providers will work together. I'd want to know more about the psychologist too.

I've been looking for a proper diagnosis for 10 years. I'm exhausted. I'm sick of essentially being told or implied I'm just a hypochondriac.

Makes sense why you would be reluctant. However, you are trying a very new approach, and hopefully, this will help, no matter the diagnosis.

I'm not >refusing< to slow down. I genuinely don't seem to be able to. I've tried so many times. I promised my husband so many times.

Partly, I simply don't know how. Partly, I feel like I >need< to run a million miles an hour, like I >need< this amount of stress for whatever stupid and unhealthy reason. Partly due to extrinsic circumstances and expectations that are just inherently stressful and I have very little control over (school/job).

Most people with PTSD who post on the forums have one maladaptive coping tool or another. Being busy is your tool. It's got it's benefits, which is why you keep using it. When you have other coping tools, it will be easier to not always rely on this one. There is a difference between being busy because life demands it, and because one is driven to it to run away from something else. It's actually easier to sustain busy times in life when not also trying to run away from other things.

You are taking good steps.

 

[siniang]

There is a difference between being busy because life demands it, and because one is driven to it to run away from something else. It's actually easier to sustain busy times in life when not also trying to run away from other things.

See, that's the thing, it doesn't feel like running away. It always felt, always feels, like I need to work so hard and put in that extra 50% in effort in order to achieve my dreams, which is just inherently true because of the field I chose. I didn't choose an easy profession. It's like becoming a prima ballerina...you won't make it if you're not going the extra mile. I've never considered it as something bad, just as part of the path I chose, consciously chose when I was 17. I knew from the first moment that it's gonna be tough and will mean sacrifices. And I'm not even working nearly as hard as some of my peers.... (which I don't aspire to do because I don't agree with THAT lifestyle and THEIR sacrifices they make)

OT: My sincere apologizes for the copyright infringement, I genuinely didn't mean to and didn't realize it is considered as such since the "insert picture" was asking for an URL. This, of course, will not happen again!