Undiagnosed Is it PTSD? Or am I deluding myself? - How often/strong PTSD symptoms?

[siniang]

....but you’re not describing a duck.

Please seek out a professional opinion.

I really don't know why you keep insisting that I'm not in professional care - DESPITE me stating otherwise MULTIPLE times.

I'm also curious what your expertise is that you repeatedly keep insisting that I simply don't have anything and that I'm not describing a "duck". See below.

How did therapy go?

Sessions are too short. I hardly can address a fraction of what I want to talk about/mention. And they're too far apart for my comfort (my next appointment with the psychologist is in 4 weeks) So far I've had two psychologist and one psychiatrist appointments.

So far I've been diagnosed with GAD (no question there from both), mild depression, and both independently are floating around PTSD. During my last appointment earlier this week, T mentioned that she does think that in addition to GAD a large portion of my anxiety is PTSD-related and we'll be starting trauma-therapy with the next session. In addition to nightmares, hyper-vigilance, extreme startle-response and the number of anxiety/depression symptoms, she sees strong avoidance and also suggested that my workaholism could be my kind of "drug".

I've gotten a prescription for antidepressants, which I yet have to get myself to start taking. (For one, I wanted to wait until after my sleep study, which was last week Thursday. Secondly, I'm having a pet crisis and was a wrack over the weekend, still am. And finally, I still am reluctant. I'm not principally against it, hoping it'll help, but the thought of taking something where I have no idea how it'll affect me, makes me uncomfortable (there's the control and uncertainty thing again)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Sessions are too short. I hardly can address a fraction of what I want to talk about/mention.

Yeah. I feel that way most of the time but what I don't bring up this session is brought up next session. Showing my therapist my diary entries help to address things and not forget them and to address things that come up after therapy. Most of my stuff has come up after therapy. Its been that way for 6 months or more now. So, showing him the posts helps to sort of keep those things fresh in mind.

And they're too far apart for my comfort (my next appointment with the psychologist is in 4 weeks)

Can you move them closer together? My therapist has to specifically suggest weekly sessions for my insurence to approve them. I had one insurence that had to have a convo with him once a year to reup approval for that year. They were a nightmare. The insurence had their own therapist that had never seen or spoken to me and he alone (the insurence therapist, without talking to me once), said that I only needed every 2 weeks and the other week I could do like support group stuff and the public is what scares me the most. This was pre-service dog. Not being able to go to a support group sort of thing is why my therapist found this site. No way could I do that! So, it left me in a hole of 2 weeks a month uncovered by insurence for 6 months. A complete nightmare. But, that happens.

Can you discuss having more often appointments with your therapist and see what they say? Do you have insurence?

 

[Justmehere]

Sessions are too short. I hardly can address a fraction of what I want to talk about/mention. And they're too far apart for my comfort (my next appointment with the psychologist is in 4 weeks) So far I've had two psychologist and one psychiatrist appointments.

Awesome! You stopped avoiding it, and are giving it a go. This is no small thing.

Secondly, I'm having a pet crisis and was a wrack over the weekend, still am.

I hope the pet related matter gets better soon.

And finally, I still am reluctant. I'm not principally against it, hoping it'll help, but the thought of taking something where I have no idea how it'll affect me, makes me uncomfortable (there's the control and uncertainty thing again)

Pretty common thing to be feeling. I know that doesn't make it easier, but maybe it would help to know, you can walk away any time, but you are trying something new as an experiment to see if it could help. Appointments 4 weeks apart would be hard for me at the start too.

 

[siniang]

Awesome! You stopped avoiding it, and are giving it a go. This is no small thing.

I still feels weird.

Can you discuss having more often appointments with your therapist and see what they say? Do you have insurence?

Appointments 4 weeks apart would be hard for me at the start too.

Yes, I do have insurance, not sure if there are any limitations. Well, >technically< I have an appointment every 2 weeks, the next with the psychiatrist in a couple weeks. But the first one with her was essentially the first one with the psychologist all over again and the second is shorter and only a medication evaluation, as far as I understand it. After the next appointment with the psychologist, the next one with her is 2 weeks later. I don't think it's because of limitations by the insurance but by her availability. I'll start scheduling multiple appointments at once, in the future.

Yes, the hard thing about this is that now that I start opening up, it's just all spilling out, overflowing. It's not a door I'm opening, it's a dam that's breaking.

But they gave me a lot of selfcare info and also told me to continue to take notes of anything that comes up/to mind.

I hope the pet related matter gets better soon.

Thank you. It's been really really rough and I'm not sure whether we're out of the woods, yet. I genuinely thought I'd lose my pet on Sunday. And it's probably only bought time, as she's already old .... while it's always on the back of your mind with an older pet, it came completely out of the blue and I noticed I have no idea how to handle this...

 

[Sideways]

It's not a door I'm opening, it's a dam that's breaking.

The self care info they’ve given you is going to be worth it’s weight in gold. I swear by practicing self care techniques before you start needing them - don’t wait until you’re really struggling to figure out what works for you.

If all else fails? The dam can be plugged. The process can always be stopped whenever you need to stabilise:)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I don't think it's because of limitations by the insurance but by her availability. I'll start scheduling multiple appointments at once, in the future.

I have to schedule 2 months at a time, 2 months ahead or my therapist gets booked solid. If I run out of appointments and didn't make any in advance, there is a month or more gap. I've had to learn to do that.

Same with my PDoc though with her and because I am on medication that I can't just stop taking, they find an appointment and squeeze me in but the month before last I got a huge hand slap from scheduling about that and was advised to make my next appointment as soon as I came out of that one.

Yes, the hard thing about this is that now that I start opening up, it's just all spilling out, overflowing. It's not a door I'm opening, it's a dam that's breaking

Starting is very, VERY, hard. But it is well worth it! Good on you for starting the process! It is so very hard and that is a big step that warrents celebration!

 

[Justmehere]

I still feels weird.

If it was easy, you would have done it awhile ago... and yeah, therapy is a bit weird and it makes sense to feel weird about it all.

Yes, the hard thing about this is that now that I start opening up, it's just all spilling out, overflowing. It's not a door I'm opening, it's a dam that's breaking.

You can (and should) take time on working on how to do "containment" - techniques so that you don't get flooded with symptoms between sessions, and that if the damn breaks, you know how to manage the flood and contain the work.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You can (and should) take time on working on how to do "containment" - techniques so that you don't get flooded with symptoms between sessions, and that if the damn breaks, you know how to manage the flood and contain the work.

Yes! Compartmentizing is my life. Learning how to mentally pack away the trauma and symptoms to function is an amazing skill. Many will do things like mentally putting it in treasure box and putting it at the top of a moutian or bottom of the sea or putting it in a container and leaving it at your therapist's office. Whatever works for you. I do it naturally so never had to be taught to but yes, this is so very important! Symptoms still effects me but the bulk of the trauma is numbed away so I can still work and am not too overloaded. If my trauma hits at once it is unmanageable. It happened once and never wanna go through that again!

 

[siniang]

Learning how to mentally pack away the trauma and symptoms to function is an amazing skill. [...] I do it naturally so never had to be taught to but yes, this is so very important! Symptoms still effects me but the bulk of the trauma is numbed away so I can still work and am not too overloaded.

I mean, that's essentially what I've been doing ever since it happened. I do have symptoms, always had (like nightmares and very specific avoidance behaviors), but those never significantly affected my life in the past. Yes, they were very annoying, but I'd just come to accept them as part of my life (for some I also didn't even make the conscious connection until just recently). Other symptoms developed over time (like my increased startle-response and irritability). But I've always managed to keep going, keep working. That's why I initially mentioned the "high-functioning" in my considerations. But it seems like I've just been really really good at avoiding. And now it's coming back at me stronger than ever, while my coping mechanisms are finally crumbling, because my stress cup is overfull, and because my body seems to finally have had enough. I've had a terrible time concentrating for the past several months - not being able to concentrate for me means not being able to really work, not being able to run the million miles an hour that have become an inherent part of me.

Someone earlier asked "why now?". I found this in another thread:

Whilst anything can trigger pre-existing PTSD (Like from childhood trauma) into getting symptomatic ... the most common causes are
- New Trauma (your accident)
- Stressors (relationship)
- Loss of Coping Mechanisms / Stress Reducers (both healthy coping mechanisms; like exercise, or the fiery passionate side of sex in a healthy relationship, or hobbies, job, friends, etc. -and- unhealthy coping mechanisms like smoking, drinking, fighting, cutting, disordered eating, thrill seeking, etc.)

Like I said, literally anything (the way the sun was shining that day) can kickstart PTSD into being symptomatic, again, but it’s a perfect storm if you’ve had new Trauma, increased stress, and lost coping mechanisms. Like... practically guaranteed.

Yes. Yes. And YES. Basically all of them. Over the years and as recently as a couple months ago.

If my trauma hits at once it is unmanageable. It happened once and never wanna go through that again!

This is basically what happened after my last night terror. I hadn't felt so terrified for quite a while, maybe ever? (Though I had been in severe shock after a very traumatic event a little over a year ago, but I don't recall feeling this terrified - just really really really shaken for a good day or two after being in real shock for over an hour) My trauma - which happened 18.5 years ago! - was as present as if it had happened yesterday. It kept my mind hostage for days. I was - while continuing to function and work - pretty agitated and particularly on the edge for probably almost a week. My pre-existing hyper-vigilance was through the roof for weeks to follow. Everything has settled down again to some extend since then. Some symptoms changed or developed. I'm having more nightly hallucinations since then, for example. Concentration is pretty much zero.

And shit just keeps hitting the fan (like with my pet). I'm just exhausted. I want to get better but I don't seem to be able to focus on what's >actually< going on with me because new things are being added to my stress cup consistently.

I still don't have the full extend of symptoms or severity that most people with PTSD seem to have (judging by reading here in the forum). My trauma is nowhere near as severe as many of the things that happened to other people suffering, because nothing actually >happened< to me. It could have. It didn't. Because I woke up in time.

 

[EveHarrington]

I really don't know why you keep insisting that I'm not in professional care - DESPITE me stating otherwise MULTIPLE times.

I'm also curious what your expertise is that you repeatedly keep insisting that I simply don't have anything and that I'm not describing a "duck". See below.

Uhm, for one, the title of this post!

It’s been said repeatedly that only a professional can diagnose you but you’re insistent that random people on the internet give you validation. We can’t.

I’ve said it before and I’ll probably say it many more times. It’s those who come here actually wanting a ptsd diagnosis that usually don’t have ptsd. This isn’t a pleasure cruise. This isn’t some elite club (even though many seem to think it is). I’m not sure why you aren’t trusting in the diagnostic process?

Each and every symptom you describe could be a part of a different disorder, and that’s why it’s important that you trust your doctor.

 

[siniang]

You're absolutely right and you're seeing through me. There's actually really absolutely nothing wrong with me. I'm really just lazy, obstinate, and refuse to grow up. But psst, don't tell anyone, please.




?

 

[Friday]

I really don't know why you keep insisting that I'm not in professional care - DESPITE me stating otherwise MULTIPLE times.

@siniang ... you’re responding to a post that is well over a month old, from the very beginning of this thread, before the rest of that information had been provided. A good 4 pages before this...

My first therapy appointment is next week.

If I can make a suggestion as a Mod... instead of continuing to update your intro thread, where people are largely going to be responding to the Title & OP, both of which are coming from a very different place from where you’re at now...

- Start a Trauma Diaries or Dead Link Removed if you’d like to keep your journey relatively in one place (that way people will naturally “start” from the most recent post, and scan backwards, rather than starting from the Original Post and replying to that).

This, for example, is a perfect diary post

Sorry, I just need to write, I don't know where else to turn to. I'm feeling particularly restless today. Have been trying to get myself to start on my work for hours, now, and just can't focus. I keep pacing to the living room and sit down on the couch to just stare outside, I keep bothering my sleeping cats, keep making tea. Sit back down at the desk for a few minutes only to get up again. Or I start reading on the internet instead of my work. My stupid mind just won't shut up. It's all over the place. I'm already starting to feel the urge to get up and go to anther room while I write this.

The list I was "preparing" for my appointment next week is 3 pages long. I keep looking at it and keep thinking whether or not I should delete a few of the points, because I'm just exaggerating, blowing things out of proportion. I feel stupid. I still don't know what I expect from the appointment (to somehow, magically, finally get better, yes - but why should it work this time when it didn't work all these last times?). I have no idea how it will work - I've never been in therapy. Am I expected to talk? Will she ask questions? I don't even know how long the session will be.

I'm also starting to freak out a little, or rather, trying to suppress it, control it, actually. My husband has to fly helicopters often for his work. It's already always leaving me on the edge when he does. On Tuesday, another helicopter of the same type (different company) doing similar type of work as he does crashed in the area. My rational, scientific part of the brain knows about statistics. But the emotional part doesn't care. Like, at all. I don't know how to handle this incidence, it's only increasing my anxiety.

Didn't help that I was waking up to Notre Dame burning on Monday.

I'm extremely frustrated today. At the world. Mostly at myself. I apologize if I've been coming across as particularly confrontational today or the past couple days.

Ok, time for another tea. Rant over.

Or

- Start new threads in the relevant forums if you’d like to discuss that particular aspect. Like Treatment & Therapy