Firstly, forgive any bad grammar, misspelling or repetitiveness. I tap this into my phone with eyesight no better than a mole
Where to start?
I have been on an incredible journey this last 20 months.
I had been single for some time, my ex partner and I had a good working relationship, as we were parents to twin girls. We split amicably, and things were good as we went our separate ways. I had regular access to the children, and everything was very cool and calm.
However, in April last year I met a girl in a chatroom, and we connected very well. I mean, after a few weeks I was smitten, and I knew that we had to be together. As time went on, her treatment of me was erratic, but she explained how she was becoming dissociative. And I understood, I must admit it was very demanding, but she always pulled through. At this time she was attending therapy, so I know she was triggered by almost anything. Now, we continued to chat, every day as far as I can remember. And I professed my love to her, with the intention of moving in together. It took 8 months for us to meet up ( she lives in a Nordic country, I in the UK). And we hit it off - kindred spirits, soulmates etc.
After this meet, I made plans to quit my job and move in with her, this took another few months until we did so.
Things were good, but often she would still dissociate and I'd find myself the figure to get all the anger. I honestly thought when we were together, things would have been ok, but I neglected to think just how vulnerable and mistrustful she was. I've been through several traumatic experiences in my life, but I wouldn't describe myself as suffering from ptsd, I couldn't get away from the fact that I believed I was the one causing her distress. It came to the point that when she packed my bags, I waited for 2 days for things to improve - they didn't, so I left. - At the time, I thought it selfless "you love her, so if she doesn't want you, let her go".
Then hindsight
Of course it was entirely selfish, the last thing she needed was a runner. She needed me to be strong. But I s**t it.
Unbelievably, I moved back in several months later. Although, it took a LOT of effort and persuasion from me. It was difficult from the outset, she even told me not to come mid journey, but that's how she is so I carried on anyway.
It was quite difficult, and after she had a dissociative spell for a couple of days, I told her I needed to see my children (as I hadn't said my goodbyes properly).
Disaster.
So here I am, back in the UK, wondering how on earth she will ever trust me, as I try to get back to her.
I might add, it took several attempts for us to meet up in the first place - as the finite date for the trip got closer, things broke down.
I've been here several weeks now, and she is telling me she has a new relationship. But she's said similar before, and I really am beginning to doubt.
Whatever comes of all this, I just wanted to say how important it is for partners to stay strong and focused on binding the relationship, not what can tear it apart.
It's never ever about you, even though you are the focus.
I think that's about all I can say at the moment, it's a lot more complex than my summary. But I'm feeling very heartbroken at the moment, and just had to get it out there.
Where to start?
I have been on an incredible journey this last 20 months.
I had been single for some time, my ex partner and I had a good working relationship, as we were parents to twin girls. We split amicably, and things were good as we went our separate ways. I had regular access to the children, and everything was very cool and calm.
However, in April last year I met a girl in a chatroom, and we connected very well. I mean, after a few weeks I was smitten, and I knew that we had to be together. As time went on, her treatment of me was erratic, but she explained how she was becoming dissociative. And I understood, I must admit it was very demanding, but she always pulled through. At this time she was attending therapy, so I know she was triggered by almost anything. Now, we continued to chat, every day as far as I can remember. And I professed my love to her, with the intention of moving in together. It took 8 months for us to meet up ( she lives in a Nordic country, I in the UK). And we hit it off - kindred spirits, soulmates etc.
After this meet, I made plans to quit my job and move in with her, this took another few months until we did so.
Things were good, but often she would still dissociate and I'd find myself the figure to get all the anger. I honestly thought when we were together, things would have been ok, but I neglected to think just how vulnerable and mistrustful she was. I've been through several traumatic experiences in my life, but I wouldn't describe myself as suffering from ptsd, I couldn't get away from the fact that I believed I was the one causing her distress. It came to the point that when she packed my bags, I waited for 2 days for things to improve - they didn't, so I left. - At the time, I thought it selfless "you love her, so if she doesn't want you, let her go".
Then hindsight
Of course it was entirely selfish, the last thing she needed was a runner. She needed me to be strong. But I s**t it.
Unbelievably, I moved back in several months later. Although, it took a LOT of effort and persuasion from me. It was difficult from the outset, she even told me not to come mid journey, but that's how she is so I carried on anyway.
It was quite difficult, and after she had a dissociative spell for a couple of days, I told her I needed to see my children (as I hadn't said my goodbyes properly).
Disaster.
So here I am, back in the UK, wondering how on earth she will ever trust me, as I try to get back to her.
I might add, it took several attempts for us to meet up in the first place - as the finite date for the trip got closer, things broke down.
I've been here several weeks now, and she is telling me she has a new relationship. But she's said similar before, and I really am beginning to doubt.
Whatever comes of all this, I just wanted to say how important it is for partners to stay strong and focused on binding the relationship, not what can tear it apart.
It's never ever about you, even though you are the focus.
I think that's about all I can say at the moment, it's a lot more complex than my summary. But I'm feeling very heartbroken at the moment, and just had to get it out there.
