DID DID and Realisation

[Digz]

Hi. Just wondering if anybody else with DID has been through the process of Realisation, or is going through the process or attempted it?
I'm just beginning and I am finding it so hard. There is so much emotion with so much intensity.

 

[Sideways]

Can you elaborate a bit?

I remember (vividly) when my 12 year old was becoming self-aware (that she was a part, in a system of parts, and not, in fact, a 12 year old schoolgirl like she believed she was), and it was a bumpy ride.

Alternatively, coming to grips with having parts, and DID, was a seperate (quite traumatic) journey...

What experience are you having that you mean by realization?

 

[Digz]

"Realisation is the ongoing action of being aware of reality as it is, accepting it, and then adapting to it effectively". Realisation is supposed to be pivotal to processing trauma, to everyday life functioning and integration. We can have many non-realisations, from mild to extreme. For those with DID we have a lot of non-realisations as many aspects of reality, especially past reality are hidden from us, but also present reality such as the realisation that we are now safe. For integration to occur I guess all parts have to have the same realisations. It involved lots of areas of self, such as challenging long held non-real opinion such as 'I am no good' or ensuring all parts of the self have knowledge of all events of the past. At the moment I have been working to ensure all parts understand the realisation 'my parents were mean'. It involves feeling experiencing the emotions that have been kept from you in other parts also, which is very hard. So, with this realisation for example. my child part is feeling extremely sad and I have been crying a lot since she accepted this. Another part is feeling very angry and I have had to work with that. It is essentially that you feel the emotions though in order to heal because that is part of realisation too... your reality was sad and should make you angry and your mind has hidden that from you through dissociation. It's kind of tricky to explain. I hope this kind of makes sense.

 

[Movingforward10]

At the moment I have been working to ensure all parts understand the realisation 'my parents were mean'. It involves feeling experiencing the emotions that have been kept from you in other parts also, which is very hard. So, with this realisation for example. my child part is feeling extremely sad and I have been crying a lot since she accepted this. Another part is feeling very angry and I have had to work with that. It is essentially that you feel the emotions though in order to heal because that is part of realisation too... your reality was sad and should make you angry and your mind has hidden that from you through dissociation. It's kind of tricky to explain. I hope this kind of makes sens

This makes so much sense. And is exactly what I'm going through!

I don't have a diagnosis of DID. But have been working on my parts with T. And have exactly this going on at the moment: 15/16 year old me being very very sad about parents. And another part (that has just popped it's head up when T and I have embarked on finally talking about parents in therapy) which is utterly angry and annoyed that we are talking about parents.

I'm finding the process draining. It's such a struggle this internal conflict of parts. Trying to contain them. Trying to understand them. Trying to parent them. Trying to work out who they are, what they need. Am still struggling that all these parts are here, and just want to drop it all, dump them somewhere and pretend it isn't happening.

Sorry you are finding it hard too.
Have you found things that help you?

 

[Digz]

I have been aware of my different parts for a decade or more and have previously had some small success with integration. I've got pretty used to parenting the child part but it is still sometimes quite hard and sometimes she'll be upset for a while before I realise and in the time before I realise that emotion will come out in other ways that are unhelpful. A lot of things my parts and I can agree on in general life now but when I'm going through this process I am so heightened and I feel so all over the place when I'm trying to function in regular life because all parts are wanting different things and feeling bad. Sometimes my brain makes me forget why I feel so bad so I go through all this time searching for answers to why I'm so upset only to eventually remember I'm processing something, but not usually before I've made a million wrong choices first - usually which my T has to deal with!

I think the biggest thing that has helped me is getting a good relationship with my other parts. At least then you can work together and if you disagree it can be worked out. I often sit and write to communicate with my other parts, it just makes it easier for me to understand what they are thinking/wanting. With experiencing the emotion of realisation, I don't think I've really got anything that helps with that so much other than to try and remind myself that I have to feel it if I want to make progress. It doesn't make it any nicer when it's happening though! How about you, @Movingforward10 ? Is there anything you do that you find particularly helps you?

 

[Movingforward10]

Sounds like you know yourself and your parts really well. I like the idea of writing to them.

I'm new to all this. It's only been a few months. I think I'm still freaking out that I have parts. So sometimes I accept it and talk to them (sooth them), which really works, they seem to listen to me! And other times I'm too mean to them as I don't want them. Which makes it all the more hard.

With experiencing the emotion of realisation, I don't think I've really got anything that helps with that so much other than to try and remind myself that I have to feel it if I want to make progress. It doesn't make it any nicer when it's happening though

Yeah, I agree. It's a horrible process, but got to feel those feelings. I wish there was another way! But making those small or big break throughs feel so great.
I think helping those younger parts to understand what happened has helped me. They, and me, clung so hard on to the narrative that they were forced to invent. But letting go of that false narrative (i'm not all there, but most of me now believes what happened) and realising the truth, hasn't been as scary as the parts/me thought it would be.
But, for me, it does kind of feel 2 steps forward 1 step back. What with this new part popping up now, causing a bit of commotion.

Are your parts letting you process? Or do some allow that more easily than others?

 

[Digz]

I'm new to all this. It's only been a few months. I think I'm still freaking out that I have parts.

I remember that feeling so well @Movingforward10 even though it was years ago. It is really scary and I think that it doesn't help that there's such a stigma attached to the idea of having more than one 'personality'. I still struggle with being too harsh on myself and joking that I am 'totally crazy' which my T encourages me not to do. My T asks me to remember that DID is a natural response to exceptionally bad circumstances and is based on survival, that if others were under the same circumstance likely the same would happen. Reminding myself that it's a normal response helps sometimes, I think. You will get there eventually. One of my parts used to be a lot angrier and we used to disagree just about all the time but now we work together. For that part it was just a matter of understanding that she was angry because she was the 'protector' and she always protects my child part. Understanding the motivation of the parts I think can really help soften your feelings towards them. Although, that doesn't mean I don't get frustrated sometimes. It can be super exhausting too, being the one that manages all the thoughts, especially when I'm going through a time when those thoughts are conflicting.

Are your parts letting you process? Or do some allow that more easily than others?

Sometimes they do, sometimes they are against it and it requires a lot more negotiation and talking. It can really depend on the topic or area we are focusing. Because one of my parts is super protective of my child part, things that she perceives to be dangerous or upsetting for my child part can take a lot of negotiation. My protective part also still doesn't really fully trust my T which can also make things hard at times. As much as possible though, I guess my main strategy I have learnt is to understand their motivations and then explain why what I'm trying to do will be helpful to them. As you get to know those parts better you will find understanding their motivations and working with them easier. For example, I understand that mostly my child part feels unsafe and scared and a lot of reactions are based on this, whereas my protective part is mostly based on protectiveness, defensiveness and anger. All born for a reason, because they had to deal with horrific circumstances and survive.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You are still in very early days, as you say. The fact that you are talking about it, seeking help, trying to accept it - that's massive. It is a long and tricky process so just take each day as it comes and remember to congratulate yourself and celebrate little positive steps because we both know even the smallest step is so very hard. :)

 

[Movingforward10]

Thanks @Digz , it's really helpful to hear your experiences and thoughts.

Have you read Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors by Janina fisher? I'm only part way through but it is helping me. I'm not sure if there is a part about realisation specifically, but might be some interesting bits to it?

 

[Digz]

No, I don't think I have read that @Movingforward10 , sounds interesting, might have to have a look at it.