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Did Anyone Else Slide Into Major Depression?

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Yes, I have come quite a ways, thanks. The thing that I regret so much is that, I had just been *starting* to deal with my feelings about my Mom and Dad when the breakdown happened. To me, this was caused by the car accident and even more so, the insurance company. But he kept insisting it was abuse as a child - it made me hate my Mom again, after so many years of making peace with her. We made good strides while she was alive.

But now I feel like I've dishonoured the dead. It was such a confusing and overwhelming time, I didn't know what to believe and reverted to the mindset and beliefs I had as an angry teenager. I feel so guilty and ashamed.
 
Midi, yes I did the exact same thing - drove myself onward, "Hell, I can deal with this! That guys nuts!" And just as you say, it got worse. Thus, the later diagnosis of Major Depression.
 
My first serious effort at getting well was after family intervention, and our great state, thought it would be best if I went into a treatment center. After the psyche evaluations, an MD shrink came into the room I was in. The first thing he asked was, "Have you been depressed all of your life"? All I could do was just nod my head.
Sometimes I was more depressed than others. While in treatment, in describing my mental state at various times in my life, the counselor stated that was major depressive disorder. I know this, I would not wish that on my worst enemy. It is very, very bad. It is considered by health care professionals to be most serious.
 
It is a miserable place to be, I must agree with you Irs. I have improved considerably over the past couple of years.
 
We made good strides while she was alive.

But now I feel like I've dishonoured the dead. It was such a confusing and overwhelming time, I didn't know what to believe and reverted to the mindset and beliefs I had as an angry teenager. I feel so guilty and ashamed.


Dear cragger,
I went into a major suicidal long term depresssion when the news of the torture by Americans at Abu Grab came out. The discussions about what was considered torture seemed so mild to me(except for waterboarding.) The discussions about the Geneva Conventions, Sen. McCain's questions, etc kicked up alot of flashbacks and memories. I'm still sorting out what constitutes torture.

I can feel for you over your feelings of quilt and shame about your parents after they died. I will be blunt.... They hurt you. They made you stay around to be hurt. They may have convinced you that it was all your fault (blame) and not to tell any one(shame). Maybe when you were young, you formed a totally natural alliance with them for your survival. For torture victims, it is call the Stocklohm Syndrome. IT is not your fault or your responsibility.

I too managed some degree of relationship to my abusing mother. But when I came up my own front steps after the funeral, some younger part of me started to sing,"Ding dong the witch is dead. Which old witch. The wicked witch. Ding dong the wicked witch is dead." Yeah there is that feeling about not dishonoring the dead but what about honoring you!:Hug_emoticon:
 
cragger,

I do not believe that you have dishonoured anyone in any way. It may feel disconcerting to have such feelings/anger rise up, but truth is truth, facts are facts, and feelings are just that- feelings, and you are entitled to every one of them.

I believe that you can still forgive someone, but no one can entirely forget- just view things differently. Moreover, "what" your mom did might be what you hate the most, though understandably it's hard to seperate the two.
Triggers are still triggers, too.

Perhaps it is possible that the "overwhelmingness" of everything at the time, and the frustration of dealing with someone who was voicing for you what was not the totality of your thoughts and feelings from your perspective contibuted, too.
(-Just a few thoughts).

It's good to forgive yourself, too.
 
Forgiving myself is the hardest thing to do. I let myself slide backward instead of forging forward. I feel like I sold my soul. My Mom didn't do anything horrible to me, she just wasn't the mother that I needed I suppose, which isn't all that uncommon.

One thing that was hard to forgive was that when I was at bottom in my late teens, verging on suicidal my mom gave me the heave-ho. I realize in her mind, she was just giving me the option to sink or swim. I almost drowned, but I did keep coming up. That's the way I feel now sometimes, like I'm just treading water, sitting in one place.

I could have done better, that is my shame.
 
Hi cragger,

I struggle with self-forgiveness (amongst other things), too.

You very likely did the best you could with the tools you had at the time, as did your mom.

It is very likely that your mom may also have felt the way you do about some of HER decisions, too.

(..Too bad we don't all come with fool-proof "manuals".):rolleyes:
 
Hi

was clinically deppressed from early teenagehood till 24/25 given 60mg of citalropram a day and when in treatment and formally diagnosed with ptsd, and ocd .

Soon after leaving the treatment program, and being diagnosed, things made sense ..was not ' crazy ' anymore,.. Clinical deppression turned into deppression, to which i have bouts of deppression which are quiet serious, given mirtazapine and olanzapine.

But generally, after diagnosis and treatment program felt deppression lift slightly.
 
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