Did I Make The Choice?

[Finding Shawna]

I am very torn my a decision I made recently. Since my mom left on Christmas eve and filed for divorce after 35 years of marriage, I still haven't heard from her. It's been rough on me. I really needed her last week with advice on weather I was making the right choice, because I was unsure and it was a permanent choice.

I am 33 and have 1 son. Last week I had a procedure done called Essure. It is a non-hormonal, permanent birth control device. It cannot be removed. As a woman, I did want another child, I wanted to experience a good pregnacy in a loving relationship (my first was not). I feel as though I will never find happiness, I got screwed over again recently by a man. So I decided to have this done, because I am not getting any younger and I don't want to end up raising another alone.

On my way to the doctor I cried a lot. It brought back memories of the abortion I was pretty much forced to have at 19. The difficulities I went through having a premature baby who stayed in the hospital 2 months in NICU. It also made me remember all the times I got screwed over in my relationships.

The anger and abandonment I feel about my mother was horrible...I needed her to be there with me, I needed her advice. :cry:

 

[safenow]

HI Shawna,

Please, don't be angry at your mother. After 35 years she is probably trying to find herself and that is why she hasn't been in touch with you.

I'm sorry to hear what you have been through. I can only imagine how horrible that must be for you. (((( Shawna ))), if you will allow me to hug you.

 

[Finding Shawna]

Than you safenow. I spoke with my T about my mother the other day, it was a very emotional session. I will forgive her, but I feel I deserve to be angry. There are a lot of issues involved with her leaving. It was a time that I needed her, I needed someone. I do love her, I guess we both need time to sort things out.

 

[Britt.f7]

Finding Shawna, even knowing I was never going to have any more children, when my husband got fixed it was still a loss to me. I could have still had a child, in those years. One moment I was determined it was the best thing, the other I was devastated over the whole idea. Even after he had it done. I have friends who felt the same way. You are not alone.

As for your mother, that is a difficult situation and allow yourself to heal. It really stinks when we find out our parent's are human also. They hurt, they change, they make decisions you may not necessarily agree with. Decisions that hurt us too. I recently found out that my parent's cheated on my stepmom. There was talk that it was possible, but they both denied it to me. Which was good since my stepmother cornered me with it and I had not a clue. Unfortunately, I can not confront my mom about it since she died. I have half siblings in this deal and it wasn't that long ago. Frankly, I wish I didn't know. I can not bring myself to confront my dad, though I know, because I once told him, he would not get my approval for it. I just keep reminding myself that they are adults, are human. Doesn't mean that it doesn't suck.

I hope you can forgive her. Maybe she'll be able to discuss her reasons with you. It's hard not to pick sides, but try not to. I'm really torn about a lot of things myself. My mom would have been the one I spoke with. Out of the two, she was the easiest to approach.

My thoughts are with you. (By the way, I can't believe I admitted what my parent's have done).

 

[Finding Shawna]

Thank you Britt! Also thank you for sharing your parents' story.

I know I forgive my mother. I am not a person who likes to be at odds with anyone. I'm just very sensitive and my family is my life.

As far as for my choice to have the procedure, my head said it was the right thing to do.....but my heart was unsure.